Mid life crisis, drifting and seeking motivation and hope!

[notforever]

I think I am having a bit of a midlife crisis at the moment. I am mid 40's, no kids and happily married for the most part. I have an art degree and a fine art masters and up until my early 30's a good career in a creative industry but I gave it up to be closer to family to help with care for relatives and then I had my own health issues. I worked a bit on and off up until the pandemic which seems to have completely wiped out what was left of my career which is fine really as I was done with it really.

I suppose at the moment I am just kind of drifting a bit not sure what to do next. I am now definitely too old for kids and I don't want them anyway. I don't want to and can't (I still have some health issues) go back to my old career. I went to art school and so would like to go back to doing fine art or illustration but it would require a bit of retuning of my skills and I suppose I worry that nobody would be interested in the work of a middle aged lady (I know how ageist and sexist of me but it is all internalised from society).

I am overweight and out of shape but I have a serious plan to change that DH and I are on the same page and working on that together and we both hope that it will give us a boost to start exercising again and improve our diet, which isn't too bad its just too much!

I just feel that I am drifting a bit at the moment and probably have been for a while at least since the pandemic and even before. I think so much about the past even my teenage years trying to make sense of things that happened, of things I did and didn't do. I think I am probably looking back because my life is a bit empty at the moment and because I fear the future. I know it is probably only a few years now until we start losing our parents and I feel like this is the time I need to make a life for myself that will sustain me through the next 2 decades of my life or I will lose myself again caring for others or going though the grief of losing them.

I do have friends but because I lived all over the place in my 20's and early 30's most of my friends are also all over the UK / world and I rarely see them. Even the ones close by have young children at the moment so don't have lots of time to meet up which is fine, mostly I am ok in my own company and I know they will come back around in a few years as long as we keep in touch which I do.

I do see family often but while I love and get on with them I am not really close to any of the women in my family as we tend to have different interests plus they all have kids and not having them seems to put me at a remove from them.

I am perimenopausal and on HRT but think I might need to increase my dose. I think in part I just don't know who I am as a middle aged woman. I still feel as I always have like many of the same things and same styles, is it ok just to do that to just recover who I used to be and use as much of that as I can even if I am older?

It is so crazy to think that 20 years ago I was so young and now in 20 years from now I will be mid 60's and be heading for the last 20 years (if I am lucky) of my life. It just goes so fast, it is so easy to be derailed and before I feel I ever got a handle on things its too late.

I am not depressed but I am lacking motivation because I just can't see where to go from here.

Any advice on any of this would be great. I have to go to bed but will be back!

Thanks!

Hey - I get it - just be kind to yourself. You have a lot to be grateful for a talent, a loving partner and also
the awareness that you want to make changes. I don’t have magic answers but I think three things will help 1) exercise - this give structure and purpose to a day 2) food -
control what and you yiu eat make it purposely and healthy try new things 3) talking therapies - use local psychotherapist or even online therapist but do it consistently just to let out stuff. Lastly just make a start not everything will work but have the sun shine on your face and knowing you are free and loved, good luck 😀

Have you thought about teaching?

Perhaps a connection to future generations might be the connection you are looking for.

@Comfortablechair Thanks for that post, yeah it is good to focus on what I do have! I am thinking about therapy, I've tried before and it never quite seemed to help but I will look into it again.

@frozendaisy I have tried teaching in the past at a FE Collage and as a volunteer for a charity and it is absolutely not for me I'm afraid. I am much more interested in doing my own work. I wouldn't rule out volunteering with young people in some capacity in future though.

Just giving this a gentle bump to see if anyone as any further advice to give!

The uncomfortable and ‘lost’ feelings are signalling an opportunity to be grasped, OP.

I just bought a painting from a local artist who is probably mid-50s and only took up painting seriously after she recovered from a serious illness a few years ago — she’s very good, is developing a bit of a following, and is making a viable living from selling her work and teaching painting.

A good friend of mine (single and childfree) moved halfway across the world (Australia to Ireland), quit her finance career and retrained as a yoga teacher in her mid-40s after finding she had breast cancer.

Another friend moved countries, quit accountancy and retrained as a therapist aged 45

I wrote my first novel in my mid-40s, and moved countries aged 49.

I think therapy to explore your feelings and decide what kind of life you want is a good idea. This is a great time for you.

I would also recommend talking therapy if you can afford it OP. There is a lot there and as I am reading I felt like it needs to be heard. Also I was just thinking that although we have these societal norms that we have internalised, we can choose what we do with them and if we want to accept or reject them. This maybe something you could discuss in therapy. Just a caveat to say I think it's healthy to consider how your life is panning out, I am not saying to go to therapy as I feel like there is anything wrong. I think we could all do with a bit more soul searching in this kind of realm.

@MyFetch Thank you for your post, I think sometimes it is nice to have some examples of what is possible and to feel expanded by that! I think I do need to shift from a mindset of I'm past it to this is an exciting time with lots of possibilities but it is just making that leap! Perhaps therapy is a good idea.

@coffeeisthebest I don't think there is anything wrong as such as you say but yes it might help to be able to talk about the past and future. I think I am coming up against the issue in that society doesn't really have too many options for older women, especially when being a grandmother isn't on the cards.

Hi there,
I feel very similar to you. I'm 49, perimenopausal and take sertraline for sweats, mood swings and flushes. i am engaged to my partner of 14 years and no children. I too feel like I don't know what I really want to do with myself. I've work as a nurse for 20 years and have become dissatisfied with my role. I want to pursue another career but haven't a clue what. I have friends but like yourself have moved around geographically and so I don't see them as often as I would like. My family live in another area although I phone when I can. I wanted children but I left it too late to try so it never happened. Since going through perimenopause I have developed increased anxiety and so enjoy meditation, yoga, exercise, reading etc to try and manage this but I have a fear of the future in that I want to be my best self but know I am not at the moment. I fear almost everything just lately including losing my elderly parents. I tried one form of hrt but only gave it three months before stopping so am wondering if I should give it another serious go. I think definitely ask to get your hrt dose increased especially if you have been on it for a while.
The joys of mid-life!! I'm here for support if you need it 😀