I’m so scared and sad

[Oldmuffin]

I have been on anti depressants for 3 years. Started off on a low dose and gradually increased when I felt I needed the extra help.

over the last month I have felt myself spiralling out of control. I have never felt like this in my life. I increased my dose 3 months ago. Instead of helping I’m now feeling worse than ever.

I have two primary school children. I work full time. 2 days in an office which is 1 hour drive each way.

oh works from home but is a director of a large international company. He earns 4 times my amount.

i have been coping but recently have gotten more responsibility and more money at work. I self medicate by taking propranolol to perform at work. I hid my panic and nerves but it increasingly doesn’t work so I end up taking dangerous amounts to help.

for the last two weeks I am so so low. I crave the feeling of ending my pain. Not to the point I would end my life but to the point I would open a bottle of wine and drink the lot. I almost done this Sunday morning after drinking all night on Saturday. I’m numbing my pain

yeaterday I work I had a full on breakdown. I was sobbing. I had to leave. I’ve ruined everything. My career everything. Everyone thought I was a nut job. I told me boss I wanted to wake up and drink alcohol cos I can’t cope.

im a wreck. I’m waiting on a call from the doctor.

It's okay, you're doing the right thing by contacting the GP. I think you probably need to think about going part time if you can afford it. Also, having a few months rest if you can afford to do that as well. You might need a change of meds too.

Oh you poor thing. Well done for calling your GP.
I doubt that you’ve ruined everything, most people these days are far more understanding with regard to mental health. Things will get better. 💐

The doctor is tapering me off fluxotine then starting me on mezitpine (or something like that). So as of tomorrow I reduce my dose. And start the new medicine next week. Not sure how that will help immediately. She said self certify for a week.

I have already put in a flexible work request so hoping that gets accepted then I can return. Although im so so embarrassed

Deep down I want to live a simple life. I don’t want the corporate job with pressure and presentations where I am a shaking mess. I want to be home with my kids. I want to cook nice meals. Be around for homework. Right now we survive on pizza or pasta or takeaway. I know I’m failing as a mum. Then as soon as the weekend comes I open the wine and lose myself into oblivion as I’m just so glad the working week is done.

Have you spoken to your DH about any of this OP? What would his view be if you giving up, or at least cutting down your hours, at work? Do you feel that work is the primary cause of your depression, or is it also linked to other stresses/pressures in your life?

He has said it’s okay on one hand but on the other hand wants to to keep going or keep my chin up. He also says I can leave the job but he wants me to start my own business etc. it’s a lot. He ideally would like to be self employed so he can leave his high pressure job. His idea is that I leave my job and start the business and grow it so in time he can leave. Which leaves me nervous and stressed even more because I’m like ok I will but what. I can’t just pull a business idea out of thin air. And he doesn’t have many suggestions. He says buy a property, flip it and rent it out. Do that multiple times a year and I will replace my current income. That makes me nervous though. What if I mess it up. What if I loose our savings. He is very business savvy. I’m not.

On Monday I told my work I was struggling to cope. I ask to reduce my hours. My boss said it wouldn’t be considered for 2 weeks as her boss was off. Then could be another few weeks for a decision to be made.

I then went home yesterday upset and phone In sick today. She called me to say it has been fast tracked and I can start my new hours next week.

I think you need to concentrate on coping with the reduced hours, caring for your home and family and not even thinking about some non existent business idea. If he wants to do that, fine. If he wants to change to a less pressurised job, fine. These are not your problems and he shouldn't be putting pressure onto you.

Bloody hell you don't need the hassle of this job. A one hour commute plus all the pressure?. Hand your notice in right now, concentrate on your family for a while, and then look for something part-time locally. Good luck!