I really dislike my mother..

[Gingerbread775]

Not sure of the reason behind this post but I’d just like to know what other people would do in my situation.

My mum and I have never really been close. My mum had me when she was 21 and I never knew my dad. My mum was in a relationship with someone from when I was 2 and he has brought me up as his own, even when they separated when I was around 8. I can’t fault him and I’m very grateful to have him in my life. Although I knew my ‘dad’ wasn’t my dad, my mum would never disclose any information about my real dad. I once asked and I remember my mum almost spitting “he died in a fire now shut up about him” when I was around 9 (and this was very much not true). I often wish that they had just lied and never told me about my lack of a real father but, now having known my mum for 31 years, Im guessing that I was told this out of spite.
Growing up my mum never really bothered with me. She would lay in bed until nearly midday and leave me to my own devices. I never had breakfast before school. I was sent to the shop with £1 to get some lunch. We never did anything together, I was a hindrance! She always drummed into me that we were poor, yet she always had cigarettes. When PCs at home became a thing, my mum would just sit on chat rooms all day.
I left home at 19 and moved about 2 hours away. She never came to visit me but eventually she did move this way. I spent my whole childhood embarrassed about her as she didn’t work and had no reason not to. Maybe that was silly of me but it really made me feel rubbish. Now, in adulthood, my mum and I are still polar opposites. She’s taken to drinking and smoking and can be very nasty when she’s had a drink but as soon as she’s sober she expects me to forget everything she’s said. I feel like she has struggled with depression and is now living in what I would call squalor. To put it bluntly, she smells. Her house is like that of a hoarders and she drinks heavily. I’ve tried to help her but I now have my own life too and I’m fed up of being her parent.. I’ve got a good job, I live with my husband and we own a house together. We have a 3 year old little boy and we have made some great mum friends. My mum has a lovely relationship with my son and has kindly said that she will take him to a baby class every week when I’m at work. However, I’ve now found out that my mum friends will be taking their children to the same group. I’m mortified. I know that they will recognise my son, obviously, and know that she is my mum.

if it were up to me, I would just run away and go NC because of the amount of stress she causes me but that’s not really an option as she would have no one if not for us. The main question here is, how can I go about telling her that she needs to (please) sort out her personal hygiene at least if she is going to be taking my son to a baby class. I just have this overwhelming dread that, once again, my mum is going to embarrass me and make my newly made friends think less of me too. :(

it may sound a bit dramatic, and I know you can’t change your family, but I just long for a ‘normal’ mother. Well done if you made it this far. 😅

You can’t change her for a start. Given your experience with her as a mother, do you actually want her spending time with your child alone or taking him to groups? She has an alcohol problem and lives in squalor and was a terrible mother. This is the actual problem not what your mum friends think. Although what they will be asking themselves is why you are leaving your child with this woman?

I’m not judging you at all for not wanting your friends to know she’s your mum.

I am judging you a little bit for letting her anywhere near your child when you know she’s drinking heavily and she was quite happy to leave you to your own devices when you were a child.

I’m so sorry for all you have been through. I wouldn’t leave your son with your mother. You are the normal mother you have craved and your son will reap the benefit.

The answer to this is not to have her take your child to the "baby class" (?). If her drinking is a problem, then the least of your worries is what people might think. Your child's safety is the issue here.

Forgive me but do you really think she is an appropriate adult to be sole carer for your 3yr old?

I agree with @ImGoingThroughChanges

I see your point but I should have maybe explained that she’s not an alcoholic as in she drinks all day everyday, more in the sense of she drinks a couple of bottles of wine at night and stays up on the computer talking to her ‘friends’ until 4am. Maybe that’s no better but I’m struggling with whether it’s reasonable to deny contact with my child on the basis that she’s evidently depressed. Like I said, she has a great relationship with my son.. almost as if she puts in 200x more effort because she feels guilty about my childhood maybe? Or maybe this is just me making more excuses for her.

You are making excuses for her , and yes she clearly has a drink problem. Do not allow this woman time alone with your child ! Let her see him in your home when u r there, end of. If anything happens to your child you’ll never forgive yourself.

Seriously recommend this youtube channel! https://youtube.com/@CrappyChildhoodFairy

I have some similarities on the neglect side and hoarding. Boundaries and trauma therapy are a great help - you owe her nothing.

Do you really think she's sober during the day after drinking that much alcohol during the night? And how alert is she after staying up all night?

Stop feeling guilty. Why should you? Your childhood was very unpleasant due to her behaviour and she has done nothing to make up for that, doesn't behave differently towards you now.

Don't impose her in your DS.

I wouldn't let her near your child unsupervised tbh. She may appear to be making more effort than with u but it sounds like she was deeply neglectful with you.. do u really think she's somehow suddenly developed the ability to be responsible? It doesn't sound like it from the state of her house and her drinking. I would not trust this woman to care alone at any point for your son. She may be fine when things are going well and it's fun but you can guarantee if anything goes wrong or your son is acting up she will not be able to deal with it.
As for your friends please do not worry. Everyone has embarrassing family members and more people than you'd ever think have problems with their parents. Any good friend will not judge you for that. If anything they would think more of you that you have done so well for yourself despite coming from a neglectful background and a mother who struggles with mental health.

I just wouldn’t let her have your son alone if it were me. Do they really have a good relationship? My parents seemed to have an ok relationship with my children, despite ours being bad, however it only lasted while they were small. As soon as they got a little older and had opinions and weren’t so easily bought they relationship has started to sour.

Thank you for being so kind, I’ll have a look at the YouTube channel for sure!

I think you’ve all just confirmed that I’m not just being a brat. I’m going to look into some counselling for me and also cancel the baby group with some excuse for my mum.

If she’s drinking a couple of bottles a night until 4 am, she’s not going to be in a fit state to be driving the next morning. And even if she’s walking to the baby group, someone who would fail a breathalyser test is not someone you want supervising a three year old. She’s not putting in the effort to stay sober ready to see him the next day. She’s not putting in the effort to wash herself so it’s not unpleasant for him to cuddle her and she’s not putting in the effort to clean her house up so it’s safe for him to spend time there. Also, it’s a very slippery slope between a couple of bottles of wine every night, to a quick drink in the morning just to stop the shakes and get herself going.

If you want her to carry on seeing your DS, then you don’t have to deny her supervised contact, but I think it’s years of you hoping that she’ll suddenly become a responsible caregiver rather than a genuine belief that she’s a suitable person to care for a three year old unsupervised 💐

This.

Oh my, I think you’ve just hit the nail on the head 😩
How do I even go about addressing this? It all needs to be said but how do I do it in a way that isn’t going to cause the entire conversation to be twisted around to me being the bad guy? Emotional regulation is not her strong point either.

I think if she’s neglecting herself then she won’t necessarily cope with looking after a child. I don’t know how to go about helping her other than persuading her to go on medication if she isn’t

You're jumping to cancel the baby class first and foremost because you don't want your friends to see her. I understand this and I'm not judging. But your priorities are skewed.

What does your DH think about your mother looking after your child? Is she going to be his childminder? Forget about the baby class and focus on finding a reliable, trustworthy person to look after your child.

I don't think it does need to be said really. She's not going to change. She wouldn't change for you and she won't change for your child. She can't change. It's really sad because a lot of this behaviour probably stems from self loathing but it doesn't matter how much you or your son love her, it's no substitute for having love for herself.

What you need to do is decide which boundaries you need to put in place to manage her relationship with you and your child. As others have said no unsupervised contact and no visiting her home are sensible starting points.

Making you out to be the bad guy is definitely what she’s going to do, no matter how you word it. Because the alternative is admitting that she was a bloody terrible mother to you and that she’s not in a fit state to care for herself, let alone a three year old. And she’s never going to do that. It’s far, far easier for you to be the wicked daughter who is denying her time with her grandchild for absolutely no reason.

I think your first step needs to be telling blatant lies if you have to. But she cannot be left to care for him. And then you need help to deal with your own childhood trauma. Once you’ve done that, you’ll be able to see clearly just how dangerous it would be to trust her with your baby and you’ll have the strength to say what needs to be said.

You’re a good person. You made it through a dreadful childhood. You’re allowed to have boundaries with her.

So sorry that you've had such a terrible experience in terms of your mum. She neglected you terribly and you deserved so much more.
Well done for turning things round, for building a great relationship with your son and creating a stable family life. You are giving him the love and emotional security you deserved but didn't have.
I completely understand your complicated feelings around letting your mum into your life and that of your son's, and worrying about what your friends will think. It must feel really difficult but from the outside it's quite clear. Your mum drinks heavily and is not fit to be your son's carer. And she neglected you as a child. Why should you be the one feeling guilty?
Feel empowered to tell her the truth. You don't have to be cruel, just calmly matter of fact. And if you're not ready to do that, don't have any qualms in following your instincts and doing what you have to do make sure she only sees your son in suitable circumstances.
Wishing you all the best!

My mother was very similar, but it was pills and she was in bed from 1984 onwards. I did try to help her and basically ruined my life in the process. You really can’t change anyone, and she’d likely resent you for trying. I would never leave her alone with a child either. A substance abuser isn’t in their right mind- esp after so many years of it. If she can’t even properly take care of herself how do you trust her with your child? I’m not judging you btw, and I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. 💜

I’m not sure that it is worth addressing directly with her. Obviously with most people you’d want to address issues directly and aim to get a resolution. However with many people that type of approach simply isn’t possible because they cannot manage that type of interaction. I’d guess your mum would be one of those a direct approach wouldn’t work with? If you are likely to end up in an argument, being blamed etc….then I’d just simply say “sorry mum we’ve changed plans and the baby group plan won’t work for us anymore”. The. Just arrange to see her together and not with your child alone.

This sounds extremely similar to my MIL who had a substance abuse problem. The long and short of it is that DH tried talking to her, his sisters tried talking to her and nothing changed....it just caused a falling out. Your mum cannot and will not change nomatter what you say....it has to come from her.

We did not leave DDs alone with her at any point. If your mum is drinking two bottles of wine every night then she is an alcoholic.

I really feel for you. When MIL died DH turned to me and said he felt relieved, which is an awful legacy to leave your children.

I don't necessarily think you need to have the big conversation with her if you don't want to. But there's no way I'd be leaving her in sole care of your child.

I agrée - you don’t owe your mother any kind of explanation- it will only lead to a row and you bring emotionally blackmailed further. I think it would be helpful to get some counselling to help you through this difficult period. You’ve kept good boundaries until now and have created your own lovely family unit. She is now invading this and you need to reset the boundaries. The plans have changed for that day. That is all she needs to know. Keep repeating that and don’t get drawn into a row. Tell her somewhere neutral or text her. Don’t let her cause a scene in your house - your safe place. It’s very hard to deal with someone like this but you must prioritise your son’s safety and your own wellbeing. So what if she throws a fit. Let her - and let her see that it doesn’t make any difference to your position.