I’m at my wits end with Dd

[Sfuandtired]

I’m really not sure where to turn tbh or what to do, dd is 17 and a half and in the midst of the you can’t tell me what to do as I’m nearly18 stage. She’s respectful enough when she’s in the house if a bit distant, but doesn’t follow any instructions at all regarding a curfew or keep me informed as to where she is or what she’s doing. We’ve tried consequences for this but it hasn’t worked.
She’s not particularly engaged with her college work and not sure what she wants to do in life.
we’ve always had a good relationship but she’s very distant and closed off at the moment from me and I’m worried, she won’t talk to me and denies any issues saying she wants to be with her friends, I’m worried and don’t know what to do? As not to drip feed DD has autism. Thanks

Anyone?

What do you pay for that she likes or needs to make her life easier?
As long as curfew isn't something stupid like 8pm on a Saturday I would be explaining that unless she respects me and my home then her x box goes, or her phone won't be paid for.
It's amazing how quickly most of them don't want to be an adult once they have to pay for it themselves.

I don't really agree with the above @LifeIsShambolic She is an adult and not far legally from being an adult.
I remember telling my Mum I was staying at my boyfriends. Oh no you're not! Well - yes I am because I'm 18 and you can't control me any more.

I'd actually just let her get on with it to an extent. She needs to find her own path. For what it's worth, I'm autistic but wasn't diagnosed until my 4Os and kicked off plenty at your daughter's age. Including dropping out of Uni at 1 month.

It's her life to explore how chooses. She's probably having fun for the first time and college may well have dropped off the radar.

Are her friends from college? Best thing you can do is explain - not tell - and not a lecture... But if she fails her college courses and friends pass, then her friendship group will move on.

I'd just give her time. I know it's a worry, I've a 26 year old and a 15 year old, blummin heck I'm a grandma. I tried to put foot down with my son so many times it destroyed our relationship. We're best of friends now, but there were a lot of empty years.

I should have said that's fine, I worry about you. I know you don't think I need to, but I do. Please let me when you are going out. Please let me know you are safe and please let me know by 11pm if you are coming home or not so that I can sleep. My phone will be on always if you need me.

4 simple asks with no judgement.

You can't force her to do anything else, so start there and respect her so she respects you.

It's hard work isn't it!!

Just reread about a curfew. Don't give her one. Most just turned 18 year olds are mates houses or clubs until early hours.

She doesn't sound too bad actually. If there is something going on she'll talk to her friends before she talks to you.

Have a nice night
Do you know when you'll be home?
Let me know you're safe and if you're staying out.
My phone is on if there's an emergency.

You've got to let her grow up, she sounds quite good actually.

Don't take her phone and always make sure she has credit.

She’s too old to have a curfew so it’s no surprise she’s fighting back. I remember being her age and just wanting to spend every moment with my friends. It’s entirely normal. Just let her know you’re there if she needs you and let her have her freedom. She’s much more likely to confide in you if you’re supportive rather than restrictive. Taking things away or punishing her will drive her further away

You are treating her like a child, she is an adult and the mental and emotional transition needs to take place. Step back, start respecting her autonomy.

I have the same, but my daughter is 15. She doesn't interact with us unless we make her (and it's a horrible feeling). She respects her curfew but fights bitterly about when it is on the weekend. Her friends and BF are everything, school and family are there to be endured. Punishments don't really work, or, rather, "work" in the short term but push her away.

So no wisdom from me, but you have received wise answer from parents with older children who have been through it.

I don't think further discipline or punishment is going to help, I think it will only push her further away from you. I have two teenage girls, 16yo and 13yo, the younger one having autism as well. For the past year my 13yo has been really distant and I knew something was wrong, but I couldn't figure out what. It turns out it was a lot of online drama. It was actually pretty serious and even after a month of no contact with these people they are still making youtube videos trying to swat her. The world these kids are growing up in is so unlike how we grew up. The social dynamics and how they interact is so much more complicated. To me it sounds like your daughter is going through something and either she's unwilling to talk to you because she's 17 and that's what 17yo's do, or it's a autism-related social issue and she doesn't know how to express it, or just feels like she needs to fix it on her own. The best thing you can do is to show or tell her how much you respect her as an individual, and that you accept her no matter what. Make sure she knows she can talk to you about anything with no judgement. This is really dependent on your past dynamics, but it's never too late to start. What broke the floodgates open with my daughter is when I talked to her about some things I'd been hiding from her. There was a situation in our neighborhood where a man pulled a gun on an elderly neighbor just a few feet from our house (I'm in the US if you can't tell) and I was scared out of my mind and didn't want to scare her. She knew something was up but couldn't figure it out. Once I told her my thing, she was able to tell me her thing. So you could try leveling with your daughter as an equal, talk to her as a near-adult and share with her the way you want her to share with you. If she can see you as a resource instead of a disciplinarian it might help. It might take some time, but I'm sure she's going to need you more and more as she navigates the world as a female with autism, which isn't easy. I hope this helps and please let me know if I'm not making sense, I didn't want to ramble on too long.

I agree with this as well, the suggested talking points have a nice tone that show a lot of respect.

I learned the hard way! My relationship with my 15 year old now is miles apart from the one I had with my 26 year old. It's all a learning curve, for all of us and that's what I try to outline now too. I don't have all the answers, I'm not always right but everything I do is with your welfare in mind.

I really like what you said about being a resource and not a disciplinarian. We are here to help our kids navigate life, not to push them down a path that may not suit.

It's all so tricky! I do love my open relationship with my daughter though (and now my son too). I think a lot of my parenting mistakes came from trying to parent how my parents parented me, I look back and think why would I do that? I was a young Mum, it was all I knew I guess.

I hope you managed some sleep @Sfuandtired !

Feel free to keep ranting. There's no one answer.

My DD first day back at school today, same age. Got the hump with me, but she's just anxious about going back.

None of her friends tend to stay much (thankfully!). She did make me laugh after she came home from the fair in the summer - OMG Mum! Friends older sister gave us a can of cider, went on this rude and had to go and be sick in toilets. It's was SO embarrassing!!

Well... Lesson learned then! 🙄

No point in me berating her for sharing a can of cider. She's teaching herself the lessons. At least she is open with me.

Well she came home knackered hot and moody. Poor girl started her period at school. Normally she'd have products in her bag, but she'd cleared her bag out.
All my fault, so I kept my gob shut 🤣. We had some dinner and she took herself off to bed. Poor love.

Hope every other teen parent has an okay day / evening!

A 17 year old, in full time education doesn’t need a curfew??? Really?? It’s ok for them to stay out al night if they wish and no one’s supposed to give a crap???
Mine are not this age yet but not far off and they will definitely have curfews during the school week and be expected to let me know where they are.
Does she understand the very negative impact that her behaviour has on you? I’d be up all night worrying. I just consider this kind of refusal to communicate basic stuff and abide by fair house rules to be so selfish and thoughtless and unkind.
I would expect the same consideration from anyone living under my roof. Even if they’re are actual adults! And espy if I am funding their lifestyle!

Oh no, @JanglingJack ! I hope she will have a good night tonight and tomorrow will be a better day at school.

Thank you. Luckily she loves her food and her sleep so fingers crossed!

I hope your daughter has settled back in to school life.

Oh, she's already identified a 'fitty' so we did have a giggle about that. No idea of his name.. Watch this space 🤣

@Smartiepants79 please do point out where nobody gives a crap.

I wasn’t really talking about you. It was a hyperbolic, rhetorical question as I was pretty shocked at the number of people who thought it was normal to be happy with a 17 year old out at all hours!
And I know that all these parents do care but some of these replies seem to suggest that she should be just left to come home when she pleases and shouldn’t be expected to let you know where she is? To me, that is not a safe or acceptable option.

I think the point people are making is that you have to negotiate an agreement with another adult whereas you can impose rules on a child. At 17 and a half, this child is nearer adult than child and so the OP is going to get a lot further with her DD by negotiating terms as she would another adult rather than pulling rank.

Often it's not what you ask for but how you ask for it.

@Resilience put far more succinctly than I could have managed thank you.