Why do some DC with autism manage in a mainstream school and others struggle to attend?

[WhaaaatNowThen]

I have three teens aged 15, 13 and 12. The 15 and 12 year old both have ASC diagnoses. The 15 year old spent most of last year out of school and has not returned for the new term yet.

The 12 year old has been back 2 days and is now refusing to go school tomorrow. She has cried both nights and is utterly miserable. They are at different schools.

DD2 has a best friend who also has ASC but is managing very well.

I feel like a terrible parent. I don’t understand how others can manage and others can’t . Am I doing something wrong?

Because not every autistic person is the same. You're not doing anything wrong.

Mine managed until 17, and then fell apart.

A comment made by another parent just made me feel awful. “You can’t have two DC out of school. You must be too soft on them”.

Not everyone with ASD are the same. There will be a range of influencing factors impacting on school success including biological (e.g puberty), emotional (e.g anxiety) and environmental (e.g parenting). Your younger dc may also be copying older sibling.
Have a look at the resources around emotion based school refusal. It's pretty common in young people with ASD. Also try and get as much support as possible From school and other professionals.

It is likely that one has learnt from the other that there is little you can do about it if they simply refuse

I think it can be a whole mix of things. The school and the spiky profile play a big part. For kids with high sensitivity, school can be a hellscape of sound and movement and light. Some kids with an ADHD and autism blend can thrive in the right school - lots of novelty and socialising and extracurricular to hyperfocus on. Peer issues are hugely affected by school culture and catchment.

More controversially, some parents are more willing to push resilience. This is a high risk strategy. Some people argue it builds true resilience, others that it just encourages masking and burn out. It is an incredibly stressful situation and I really feel for you. There are no easy answers but I hope your family are being supported

Not all autistic people are the same. And some could be in school but masking.

Not every autistic person is sensitive to noise. Or crowds. Some may need movement to regulate, so sitting still for hours on end is stressful. Some may have a better grasp of language, others may take things literally and constantly find themselves not really understanding what's going on.

You're not being soft, you're putting your children's wellbeing needs first.

I have 3 kids, 2 are the most opposite characters as you can imagine - in terms of interests, abilities, temperament, opinions etc. Yet both have the same diagnosis. Despite thinking I was well read after DS1 I was just as clueless starting over with DS2. There is not one strategy that has worked for both.

I'm sorry someone made you feel bad. Well F*ck them. Either they have mainstream kids and haven't a clue what you've been through or if they have kids with additional needs and are just being smug twats who don't realise they are lucky to not have this issue.

Remind stupido who made remark that your children have been in school for many years, but now school is no longer working for them so your looking at other options.
My son has been home educated since she 14, l had the same ignorant responses inflicted on me, but guess what ? He out ran all his school educated students when he passed his exams. Oh the look on the parents faces, they couldn't wait to ask how he had got on, thoroughly expecting him to fail, it was priceless.
Good luck OP, things have a way of working out, not everyone is meant to walk the same meaningless route.

Since age 14

Because they are all totally different! My daughter isn't too bad with sensory stuff compared to some, but struggles socially and with having to sit and do work. She would much rather just roam around entertaining herself. I suspect she has ADHD too but we are still on a long waiting list for that one.

She is managing ok in primary school but I suspect it will get harder as she gets older.

I think a lot depends on the group they're in.

Ds has ASD and ADHD. He has a far better fitting friendship group than either of his sisters did at the same school. It's not really anything he's done. It's totally luck of the drawer that there were two lads in his class in year 7 who are similarly quirky and he just gelled with them. He's going into the 6th form and the original two have been added by a few more so he has a lovely group.
Neither the girls ever really found their tribe at secondary. There may have been a wonderful group, but they never met them long enough to make friends there.

Because its a huge spectrun and everyone is impacted differently two of ny sons best friends have a diagnois of of autism and coped well.in mainstrean they left this summer
My yougest son is severly autistic with severe learning disabliities a mainstream would never in million years have met his needs
Ok these are two.extremes but not one eize fits all.

This question is incredibly complex. There are usually multiple factors interacting; autistic people have highly individual constellations of traits- the saying goes "if you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism". They also have their own underlying personalities and all the baggage of a normal human existence. Sometimes it can be really difficult to drill down into exactly what has gone wrong in school, when it started and which needs are not being met, and by the time the adults know there is a serious problem it's too late and the child is too burnt out to continue.

It's important to look at the school as well as the child. Without wishing to be hyperbolic, many secondary schools are increasingly hostile environments for neurodivergent children; rigid off-the-shelf behaviour policies, poor pastoral support, inadequate action around bullying, narrow and intolerant attitudes towards anyone who doesn't easily conform or has a different learning style.

Family therapy with someone who has an autism specialism would be my advice. It gives the young person the space to talk and be heard, with a neutral person there to help tease out the full story. You can't really make a plan until you understand what is going on in your child's mind.

Autistic spectrum disorder - clue is in the name. But also there's comorbidities often and yes households differ, parenting differs etc.

My dd went in every day, I didn't allow staying at home but often I was picking her up by 11am, but we persevered and found a way of keeping her in school (she worked in the school office instead of in the classrooms), weekly therapy sessions also helped plus if she got picked up she had to come to my work, no going home. I can't tell you that if you take my approach your children will attend school because they are all different but it worked for us, final year university now.

They're all different.
Some have more significant sensory needs than others (this makes mainstream very difficult imo)
The support in place at school

Or they might just you know , be genetically similar and have the same triggers ???

And take no notice of people who haven't lived it. They have no idea. I had two at home for a while. Once in specialist provision one thrived but one still struggles a bit, they just have different needs and personalities!

Sorry that was in response to @BorrowedThyme

ODFOD.

As @Greensleeves has so eloquently said, "many secondary schools are increasingly hostile environments for neurodivergent children; rigid off-the-shelf behaviour policies, poor pastoral support, inadequate action around bullying, narrow and intolerant attitudes towards anyone who doesn't easily conform or has a different learning style."

But yeah, the reason the youngest child in the family isn't going to school is because they're copying an older sibling.

It sounds like the other older sibling, who doesn't appear to be autistic, is going to school no problem?

Could it possibly be that the younger child, who is also autistic, is also finding school intolerable and thus cannot attend?

They're not taking the piss, kids just want to be normal and go to school like everyone else. When they can't, it's heartbreaking. And it's CAN'T, not won't. It's not some stupid learned behaviour.

Mainstream schools can feel more like prison camps to many neurodivergent children. And yet we're surprised and blame the parents for not being strict enough when they can no longer force their children to attend?

If you had a job where your employer had rigid control of you all day, you were forced to obey every command or face the consequences, you didn't have control over your own appearance or even have control over when to use the goddamn toilet, would you think that was fine? Would you cope with a complete loss of autonomy all day, every day? This is what kids face in mainstream high schools now. Of course some don't respond well - especially autistic kids with a PDA profile.

Adult in a job that's destroying their mental health? Get signed off sick, find a new job that doesn't make them ill.

Kid in a school that's destroying their mental health? Come on parents, do your job properly and force them to go regardless.

Believe it or not, those of us parenting children with extreme school-based trauma got here because we DID do as we were told for many years. We forced them in: via bribery, threats of punishment, even physical force. And we all lived an increasingly miserable existence. Until one day the kid was just too big to actually carry in kicking and screaming, and then something had to change.

Being told they're copying someone else, or we just need to 'not give them the option', literally boils my piss.

It’s so unhelpful when parents say you are too soft and their kids would be made to go. I would like to see them try to get a demand avoidant teen out of the door!
My ds barely went in in year 11 and up to that point he had bee pretty good but his attendance fell off a cliff.
he just started college so 🤞

Without wishing to be hyperbolic, many secondary schools are increasingly hostile environments for neurodivergent children; rigid off-the-shelf behaviour policies, poor pastoral support, inadequate action around bullying, narrow and intolerant attitudes towards anyone who doesn't easily conform or has a different learning style.

I think there's a lot of truth to this. We had to work hard to keep my DD in her last year of primary school, she needed a lot of flexibility and support and we were always on the edge of her refusing to go. She's in a specialist school for high school and the difference is night and day - they're used to having to plan around kids additional needs, classes are smaller, much less moving around the school. She would never have coped with the regime in a mainstream secondary school.

The mainstreaming agenda is massively letting down children who need scaffolding to cope with the environment but who could cope academically, with the right support. I think kids cope for as long as they can do, but eventually don't have the emotional resources to keep going, at which point they refuse - that point comes quicker for some than for others.

I often think that the transition to secondary education is like an ADOS ! It can really suddenly bring out a lot of difficulties due to the way it’s all set up. My dc all struggled with it

DS does OK at the moment but it's luck really. He likes rules and structure and can shrug off unkind comments. He can ask to leave the classroom if it's all too much. He eats his lunch outside to avoid the dinner hall. He hates the collar of his shirt and his tie but those are preferable to breaking a rule or standing out. Really sorry that your kids are struggling OP.

I've got two autistic children. One who loves school, learning and hates the thought of missing a day. Would probably have a week off in the summer and get back to it if possible.

The other can't cope at all in mainstream and is increasingly unable to cope in specialist. I'm dreading the start of term.

They're just different. They have different personalities and different struggles.