I've name changed for this, as I feel ashamed, guilty and very probably about to be flamed.
DM is 81 and I do love her dearly. Childhood was difficult as she told me she hated me as she had a forced sterilisation when I told her I didn't want her to leave me when she had DB (I had just turned 6, Dsis was nearly 5). She blamed me and dad forever for that. She also tried to crash the car with Dsis and me in it and also used to try to escape cars when we were driving along (up until 15 years ago).
We had a lot of clashes growing up, I self-harmed when she was nasty to me. She wasn't 'loving', but I guess that was due to the sterilisation.
I had DS when I was 21 and was a single mother (I was engaged to his dad, but he beat me up regularly, including an injury which has led to permanent disability now).
I was close to my parents and saw them daily. Would help them and vice versa. The only sticking point is when they let DS's dad live with them when DS was 10 - 13. I tried to explain how difficult it was, but they claimed they needed the money. They then expected sympathy when he lit candles on their stairs, got naked and propositioned mum, saying he was an angel. He was sectioned after.
Unfortunately this had let him back into our lives, so he saw DS. This culminated in him trying to rape me and kill both me and DS (he wasn't living with my parents then). He was imprisoned for this and was banned from seeing DS until he was in his late teens.
Dad died two years ago, Dbro just before. I saw DM everyday. Then my disability got worse and I had an operation last year and was unable to go to hers, as I cannot walk.
She's had the fire brigade out three times, due to the smoke from her chimney looking 'odd'. We (DM, Dsis and me), had a meeting with the fire brigade where they looked around the house, checked smoke alarms and referred her to other services. She had a call from then but has refused to speak to anyone.
She has an ambulance out nearly every month, sometimes more, as she says her heart rate is too high. They've never taken her to hospital. She's also had the gas board out a few times as she's smelt gas.
She's a hoarder. We've tried to help, but she gets very angry and hits herself, if she thinks we've thrown anything away she may want. So to be honest, it's just not worth the anger anymore.
DS (now 32) goes to see her most days. He told me she's hoarding poo bags full of poo in her spare kitchen. She refuses to put them in the bin as it makes it too heavy (and I've tried numerous to contact the council for bin assistance, but she needs to agree to it and she won't).
I've been ill lately, struggling to breathe and she's making it worse by phoning several times a day, as a pill may have got stuck, that her heart is racing, that she feels dizzy/sick, etc.
Last week we went to her GP where she had a full assessment. She's had numerous tests (too many said the GP), CT scans, different scopes, bloods, etc. She was tested for dementia, but passed it all. The only health problem she has is osteoporosis (which I know is bad, but now she's convinced this means she cannot breathe or eat properly). The GP has said she needs to take antidepressants for anxiety and she has tried lots and is now on the ones she used to take and worked. But she is now saying they are making her dizzy and phoning me to say she's scared she's got serotonin syndrome. The GP has said if this doesn't work/she refuses to take them, then he will have to refer her to elderly MH as they have nothing left to help.
She's had an alarm. We used to be called at least once a week by the company as they couldn't get hold of mum, so many times after we couldn't get hold of her, we'd go, to find her sitting there quite happily saying she couldn't get hold of the company to cancel the alarm and she left her phones upstairs or had turned the sound down. Eventually Dsis got them to give her another alarm, which only goes off if she has a heavy fall.
The new thing is her teeth. She saw the dentist who she persuaded to give her antibiotics for, although he told her not to take them unless absolutely needed. Today she put a dramatic post on FB about waking up with blood in her mouth, but says she cannot take the pills as they're capsules and she cannot swallow them. So she now wants to go to the dentist. She knows DH is off tomorrow so her timing is perfect. Thing is, DH was very ill over the weekend (not a cold, I posted about it and have been trying to get him to see a gp,), and I'm also not well. I've been trying to manage my chest as best I can, but may need to go if my peak flow falls further. But despite suffering (my breathing was bad over the weekend, but I tried to relax), she kept phoning about stupid things, making me more anxious and then wheezy.
I have DC (13) and already feel guilty that I've not been able to go out with them during the holidays.
She blamed dad before his death and even now for the death of my third DC, which I've been short with her about.
We've offered her to come here, but she has two dogs (which are both very elderly) and the two dogs cannot be together as they fight, so they stay in different parts of her house, ours is not big enough for this, also she's allowed on of them to wee on the floor, so I wouldn't want it here anyway.
My friend loves my mum, but even she has said that mum's FB posts are getting too dramatic. She posts about her health constantly. She put on FB (after the GP appointment where she agreed the meds for anxiety), that they caused insomnia. This led to everyone telling her not to take them or to contact the GP again (she contacts them at least three x a week).
I'm 53, not in the best of health, my Dsis also has health problems, so sometimes it feels like DM is taking the p asking to go to medical appointments whenever we are available to take her, meaning we don't get our own health seen to. She's adamant she doesn't want carers and refuses to talk to social care, but then phones me up every time she takes a pill in case she chokes, or in case the fish she had wasn't cooked enough. She even phoned 111 asking if she was going to die because she chewed a tablet instead of swallowing it.
I understand how scared and alone she is, but she refuses to try anything. I got her a bus pass, so she could meet me, and for a while she did and enjoyed going out (I don't drive and my disability is such I can't), but she now says that the bus stop opposite her house is too far and she worries she may miss her stop (she walks the dogs further).
I loved speaking to my 87 year old nan on the phone and she was really immobile, but mum just talks about her health and silly things that just wear me down. I'm also ashamed to say I've started self-harming again, hence the name change.
I don't know why I'm posting this really. I just wish mum would come out with me (I tend to not leave the house unless someone is with me, but can to meet mum), or if she didn't have the dogs she could come and stay here, but the constant 'emergencies' are wearing us (dsis too) down.
I know if she took the tablets she would feel better, but I think she likes not being capable and her FB posts show she values people worrying. I know this is going to get worse. But I do love her. She is incredibly intelligent, but it seems like she is an anxious child. She is having CBT, so hopefully that will begin to show improvements soon.
She also buys things that need to be returned a lot (buys online, has to be returned to a shop). We did it initially, but I put my foot down saying not to buy if she doesn't think she wants it as we don't have the time to spare to run around returning (dad used to this at least once a week).
I think that what's annoying me is that she saw the GP last week, and now she wants the dentist, despite me trying and failing to get a GP appointment yesterday or today, and if I try tomorrow it will be bound to be the time of her appointment (and there is a bus to her dentist, but not to my GP surgery).
I just want to be able to put in place boundaries that show I care, but also get her to take some responsibility. She moans constantly, but every solution I come up with she refuses to follow through, as if she doesn't want the problem solved and just wants to moan or have crisis's.