Unforgivable mother

[Totallyanon]

To cut a long story short, I left an abusive relationship 3 and a half years ago.
My ex groomed me from age 13 and I ended up living with him for nearly 20 years (from age 17).

My life has been much happier since I left and I'm about to start a 2 year counselling course.

However, what has totally shook my world...I found out from my DNiece that my mother still talks to me ex and invites him into her home.

I'm in total shock. I've never spoken directly to mother about the grooming but believe she must have had an idea (with me being at a grown man's house all the time & his then wife questioning this).

I have talked to her many times about how miserable he made my life. I was threatened if I tried to make friends and was timed whenever I left the house. The last threat was that he was going to shoot me. I can't believe I stayed so long, but I felt trapped.

Do I go NC with mother? I was genuinely feeling like my life was back on track and now I can't stop thinking about this. She obviously didn't believe a word of what I went through.

Firstly, well done for leaving and well done on your new course.

I’m so sorry about the mum part - that’s horrid. it’s a betrayal and at the very least a lack of acknowledgement of what you went through. Your mum shouldn’t have let you hang out there as kid in the first place, it’s very obvious you were groomed. If she didn’t see the wrong it that, she probably doesn’t see the wrong in this.

As someone once said to me on here not all families are good families. I’d get on with my life. You know what feels good. You know what derails you. Stay away from that. Stay on your hard earned track.

Good luck op.

I’m sure whatever is broken in your mother is also why you were groomed at 13. That’s how it works usually. You can’t fix her, or make her see what’s so wrong. It’s so hurtful though, that she chose him over you. But that just shows her brokenness. There’s absolutely no excuse for it. I’ve had a very similar situation in my life and I haven’t spoken to my mother in 16 years, and it’s been 16 years of healing and relearning how to live. I went from being very forgiving and understanding of her, to relating to her in some aspects which brought a lot of peace, to pure indignation and no longer having a place for her in my heart or mind. I just don’t have a mother and it feels like I never did at this point. I have become what I needed, which is the stage I’m working on now. So it takes time to work through it, but it’s worth it. I’m so sorry for what you went through, and I’m glad you were able to break free 💗

Is it possible that your mother was also responsible for him grooming you? (Deliberately making you available to him?)

Your mum may not be able to accept the lack of protection you were given - because that reflects badly on her - or she may have dismissed/minimised what you said, or she may think it was fine (she's wrong).

It doesn't really matter why, clearly your mum is not supporting you. What matters is you and not letting this upset your own healing process.

Going NC in this situation is one obvious possibility. Can you get counselling support while you make your decision? You can just not see her for now while you think things through slowly. Don't feel rushed.