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Original poster

Expecting 17 year old ds to eat dinner with us

26 replies

losenotloose · 04/09/2023 19:28

Does this seem unreasonable? It might not seem like much but we are really struggling with him atm. We have always had the rule no food in the bedroom but recently he's been going up there with snacks, lunch etc. We've let this go thinking don't want to be too controlling, he's growing up etc but now he's started taking his dinner up there too. This bothers me, I feel it's the one time in a day when we might actually have a conversation, family time etc.

I'm finding it difficult to trust my own judgement with anything so would appreciate other people's perspectives.

OP posts:
ohxmastreeohxmastree · 04/09/2023 19:30

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, this is the sort of behaviour I’d expect from a 13-15 year old who is very much in the hormonal, moody zone of teenage years. By 17 I would have expected him to have matured enough to sit downstairs and eat with the people who have cooked the meal!
To be fair, if he insists on eating alone I would still be saying it has to be downstairs. Eating dinner on your bed is too far.

Original poster
losenotloose · 04/09/2023 19:32

Thank you, this is how I feel. Thing is he makes it so difficult to get him to do anything that I'm treading on eggshells. How would you deal with it?

OP posts:
TheAloe · 04/09/2023 19:34

Well for a start I wouldn’t be walking on eggshells. Personally I would leave him to it. At 17 you can still be a bit of a teenage twat. I wouldn’t accept it past the age of 18/19 mind.

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SummerIsBack · 04/09/2023 19:34

I wouldn’t be happy with the eating in the bedroom but I wouldn’t insist he eats with me either. I’d go for the dinner is in the microwave/approach and carry on my meal without him. I think the more you make a think of it the less likely he is to join in.

Greensleeves · 04/09/2023 19:37

I can't see the value in making a song and dance about this, personally. If he wants to eat alone or at different times, I would let him; I'd have a chat with him about parameters for managing it sensibly, ie he lets you know in good time if he does want a meal cooked, he makes sure his room isn't attracting rats etc... my young adult kids have their own shelf in the fridge and freezer so they can cater for themselves if they want to. It's all quite friendly and DS2 actually spends a lot of time with us by choice - but he doesn't always want to eat what or when we do, and that's fine.

Original poster
losenotloose · 04/09/2023 19:41

I'm treading on eggshells in general at the moment, I don't know how to manage him. Weed smoking, even in his room despite many arguments about it, he refused to do the work experience his dad arranged for him, doesn't think he should have to make food for himself (he gets dinner made for him every day), attendance at school prior to holidays was 70%, I'm at the end of my tether.

OP posts:
Brahumbug · 04/09/2023 19:59

We all eat at the table together, no exceptions. If he wants his food made he has to do it by your rules.

loveyoutothemoonandtosaturn · 04/09/2023 20:02

losenotloose · 04/09/2023 19:41

I'm treading on eggshells in general at the moment, I don't know how to manage him. Weed smoking, even in his room despite many arguments about it, he refused to do the work experience his dad arranged for him, doesn't think he should have to make food for himself (he gets dinner made for him every day), attendance at school prior to holidays was 70%, I'm at the end of my tether.

Seems a bit strange that you started a thread about the least worrying thing you've mentioned here. Surely the weed smoking and non attendance are more important?

Original poster
losenotloose · 04/09/2023 20:06

@loveyoutothemoonandtosaturn I'm not sure what you want me to say. I'm in a very bad place at the moment and am at a loss with how to deal with any of this, I'm just trying to maintain some normality

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoonandtosaturn · 04/09/2023 20:09

losenotloose · 04/09/2023 20:06

@loveyoutothemoonandtosaturn I'm not sure what you want me to say. I'm in a very bad place at the moment and am at a loss with how to deal with any of this, I'm just trying to maintain some normality

I'm sorry I really didn't mean to upset you. It's just that I could totally live with him not eating dinner with me, but I'd be worried about the rest. How does he pay for the weed? Does he have a job, if not I'd not be giving him any money until he cuts it out completely!

EarthlyNightshade · 04/09/2023 20:11

losenotloose · 04/09/2023 20:06

@loveyoutothemoonandtosaturn I'm not sure what you want me to say. I'm in a very bad place at the moment and am at a loss with how to deal with any of this, I'm just trying to maintain some normality

I am sorry, this sounds really hard.
My DS 16 does eat with us but he is quite the nightmare in most other ways. Very much treats the house like a four star hotel.
No advice, but you are not alone and hopefully this stage will pass.

Losttrack · 04/09/2023 20:13

loveyoutothemoonandtosaturn · 04/09/2023 20:02

Seems a bit strange that you started a thread about the least worrying thing you've mentioned here. Surely the weed smoking and non attendance are more important?

Show quote history

Maybe @losenotloose wanted just that little thing to stay in place. Something ti hold on to. @losenotloose have you asked him why he does not want to eat with you as a family? Could it be that he feels you migjt bring things up in conversation that he's not comfortable talking about?

Original poster
losenotloose · 04/09/2023 20:18

@loveyoutothemoonandtosaturn thank you for that 🙏. Believe me, I'm extremely worried about the rest. I've stopped giving him pocket money but he got birthday money and made edibles which he sold. He's now run out of money so I'm expecting some difficult times ahead. He thinks we are completely out of order for stopping pocket money and hates us. He just called me for money for food and I said no (we have food in the house) and he hung up on me.

The problem is in his friendship group it's absolutely normal and his friends parents seem to have no boundaries.

OP posts:
Original poster
losenotloose · 04/09/2023 20:25

@Losttrack I haven't asked to be honest. I've told him I'm worried about him. We went away so he couldn't smoke for a week and although he was still tricky, he was starting to be more pleasant to be around. It makes him lazy and behave like a dick

OP posts:
MintJulia · 04/09/2023 20:39

I think you need to keep doing what you're doing.

No pocket money, no food in the bedroom....and don't blink first. Tough it out. His new 'friends' won't be interested for long if he can't pay his way.

DemelzaandRoss · 04/09/2023 20:49

Sorry but I think you’re being rather controlling. He is one year off being 18 when he could leave home for Uni etc. Why on earth would he want to spend a lot of time with you. There’s nothing wrong with eating some meals in his room either. He’s not joined at the hip to you all.
Certainly he should be looking for a job to help with his finances, especially if he is off to Uni.
These rules are strange for a 17 yr old. At that age I was working in a Bank full time & coming & going as I pleased. Would let my parents know where I was going etc but was treated as an almost adult.

GrumpyPanda · 04/09/2023 20:53

Incredibly rude to expect other people to cook for you when you're refusing to eat the meal with them. Tell him you're not his kitchen maid.

DemelzaandRoss · 04/09/2023 21:00

I didn’t feel at all upset if any of my teenagers preferred to eat in their rooms sometimes.
Not everyone is the same.

Original poster
losenotloose · 04/09/2023 21:22

@DemelzaandRoss I'm not sure if you've read my other posts but I'm not expecting him to be joined at the hip, he does come and go as he pleases, has no intention of getting a job, has poor attendance at school and smokes weed every day. Were you doing that also? I find it really strange when people on Mumsnet jump to massive conclusions. I was trying to do one thing to maintain some normality.

And he's not eating in his room sometimes, he's only eating in his room.

OP posts:
Original poster
losenotloose · 04/09/2023 21:24

He also has no plans to go to uni, your teenagers were obviously different to him, you've made up a character in your head. If eating in his room was my only concern I wouldn't have posted.

OP posts:
ASGIRC · 04/09/2023 22:27

While at 17 I was free to come and go as I pleased, I did not live in a hotel, so the expectation was that, if I was home for dinner, I would eat at the dinner table with the family. Always.

I dont have any advice. I would be firm with the demand that dinner was eaten together (otherwise, he could make his own), but Im not sure if that will fix things, considering all other issues. Good luck

Original poster
losenotloose · 04/09/2023 22:53

@ASGIRC thank you. I can only hope there's light at the end of the tunnel.

OP posts:
WimpoleHat · 04/09/2023 22:55

I think if you’ve cooked a family meal and he wants to eat it, then courtesy demands that he comes down and eats it with the family. It takes what? 10, 15 minutes? It’s hardly a big ask.

Josell12345 · 11/10/2023 19:33

I have a 17 yr old and also a no food in bedroom rule. But he takes snacks up. I draw the line very firmly at dinner but he rarely sits with us and will eat as soon as hes in from college. I think by 17 he has been taught all I can about social skills and Im not prepared for the chew forcing the matter brings. So I let it go. Hes the youngest of 6 and all the others have left home/married with kids so hes been like an only child to some extent too. Is it worth the aggro? I dont think so.

WrongSwanson · 11/10/2023 19:38

I think it's fine to have a no food in bedrooms rule..and if he wants the family cooked meal he eats with the family. If he wants something else then he buys it and sorts it.

But there's a lot going on, it must be really stressful. I would pick just a few key battles to focus on.