I am not sure how to feel about this and vacillate between upset, worry and thinking it's not such a big issue. I would appreciate some help processing it.
Sorry about the length of my post.
My DD(15) is on only child and generally a pretty good kid. Very into growing up and being independent. I've caught her lying before, mostly about unimportant things, but once it was clearly premeditated and meant to get out of an activity she knew she was expected to do. We have had a number of discussions about the reasons lying is not good, she says she lies much less than some, and that all teens lie. Be that as it may, honesty is something that is very important to me; I understand there will be things she does not want to discuss, but to look me in the eyes and lie feels really bad and, in my eyes, is the wrong way to behave. Also, I now no longer trust her 100% (one of the things I mentioned as potential consequences of lying).
She has a BF, also 15. They had discussed a sleepover at his a few months ago and he asked his parents, who did not feel comfortable with it (but are otherwise very lovely and welcoming to DD). We would have allowed it, but of course it's not on if either set of parents is against it. One reason we would have allowed it is exactly so that it wouldn't happen without our knowledge.
The BF's family was on a weekend trip, but he had to come back on Sat evening for an activity the following day. She had asked for a sleepover at her best friend's a few weeks ago, we agreed. When she told me that the BF would be coming back at midnight to make his activity, I jokingly said: "Are you sure you're staying at your best friend's tonight?" and she replied that, of course, she is sleeping over at the best friend's, and that a relative is staying at the BF's overnight anyway so a sleepover would be impossible.
She came back at noon on Sunday and in a conversation slipped up in a way it was obvious she had actually stayed at the BF's. I did not confront her and she did not realize she had slipped up. Now, she would have been allowed a sleepover at her BF's had it been ok with his parents, and I realize she did not tell us because he did it against their wishes. But the unnecessary lie about when the BF was coming back, the relative staying over... it feels like the lies to make the story more convincing are worse than the original lie. And she tells them so easily!
I know teens want privacy and to be allowed to make their own decisions. But the desire to know, for sure, where my minor child is overnight should count for something, even if she doesn't realize the safety implications. I am glad I figured it out so I don't thank the best friend's mother for the sleepover when I see her next.
Our relationship is loving but not easy these days. She mostly wants to be left alone to her social and love life; she had done fine in school last year and tells me she will do fine as well this year, but it's too early to know, as her focus is clearly not on studying. We clash about curfews (we are the strictest parents, according to her, as some of her friends can stay up until 2-4 am on the weekend - she can stay out until 10:30, unless there is an event, which all get discussed separately. She's stayed out until after midnight for certain events, as long as we know where and with whom she is). I told her I think she doesn't realize the large degree of freedom she actually has. This, I realize, is the eternal push and pull between teens and parents.
I don't want all our interactions to be me nagging and accusing, but I am worried about the lying. What do I do?