How did you stop being bitter

[LylaLee]

I've been unable to move on from things done to me. Not SA or anything like that, just people who have treated me badly, defrauded me out of a significant amount of money, another who has slandered me. I'm eaten up by bitterness.

They say living well is the best revenge. But I'm living miserably, and they are living the life of Riley.

How does one move past the anger. It's been literally decades.

Depend on form it takes - forgiving rather than being resigned or angry (but not dwelling) is I think very hard and frankly rare.

If you are constantly going over it in your head or conversations - try and stop it - try journaling or counselling to work though emotions if you haven't and think getting them out will help.

Otherwise - try and focus on any positive or stay STOP to yourself everything you start thinking about it again and getting angry and try and distract yourself.

Also if there are triggers - people who bring it up places or having see people who did this to you try and get them out your life as much as possible. May help to move away of possible or focus on some thing big thing in your own life.

I don't think it is easy at all though.

I’m going to see a new therapist this afternoon for that exact reason.

I saw someone when I decided to leave my long marriage. That therapist validated my feeling that I was being emotionally abused.

Im still divorcing but have been unable to move on and still dwell on the ‘wrongs’ he did to me. So no advice but just to say I understand how harmful it can be.

I do know part of the problem is I get hung up on fairness. I know intellectually that life isn’t fair, but I get stuck emotionally.

Best of luck, I’ll come back and let you know if I find a magic cure.

Thank you both.

I try to give what other people do as little head space as possible, wallowing in self pity doesn't help anyone, when I look back on the years the last thing I want to think is other people

I think first off is to acknowledge how you feel about each thing that makes you feel bitter, then ask yourself is it actually bitterness or sadness, anger and where it's directed. At yourself, the situation or a person.

Sometimes we can label a feeling that's prominent but it's the underlying feelings that cause us to ruminate.

Perhaps write a list of all the things you feel bitter about and see what comes up, working on ourselves is a process and there's no quick fix.

It's ok to feel how you feel and it's ok to give yourself permission to let it go. Negative feelings are normal however its good you've recognised them and want different for yourself.

I try and find things I'm feeling happy about, can be anything small or big and keep adding to my list I think there's some trend now called 'glimmers'

For instance I bloody love my bed after a long day with cup of tea. Sounds silly but then I think of something I enjoyed that day and then I add to that with other little things, I love the way my cat curls up next to me, the fact I have a new candle for winter. All things others might think are stupid but this helps to rewire our brain to look for the nicer things. I'm not someone who can gush gratitudes but the little things I can do.

I find the above helps me when I'm fixated on how someone else has annoyed me and I can't let it go. I give myself time to mentally rant then I tell myself that's enough let's think about something better. Seems to work for me (most of the time!)

If you're ruminating you could try CBT. If you're traumatised you could try EMDR.

I do think its in some people's nature's to hold on to stuff more than others, you're entitled to your feelings and I don't blame you for feeling that way.

Sometimes 'getting over it' is too high an expectation but you need to be able to put it in a box at least sometimes so you can have some time where you aren't thinking about it.

And if people tell you to move on, it's infuriating, invalidating and ignorant. It's not like you won't want to move on.

I hope you don't have too many of those people in your life.

I was extremely bitter for some years about being wronged by a former friend.

I read a piece by sally brampton, which really resonated with me. She said that no one was ever going to convene a celestial sort of court where every single person in the world would agree that you were totally right and the other person was a complete shit. Let go of that idea. It may be true but you are very unlikely to get that level of public vindication. Possibly none at all ever.

The other person doesn't care about you otherwise they wouldn't have done what they did. They are not thinking about you.

You are carrying round a huge burden of pain, like a boulder, that's dragging you down and doesnt serve you. Just put it down, step over it and go and do something nice and fun.

It really helped me see how I was damaging myself.

I tried years of therapy, living my best life, ignoring them, etc. Even after they died I still felt so angry and cheated of the life I should have had.

The best thing for me was a total change of scene, into a completely different place and job (and industry) where I could establish my own identity as a successful person independent of them and gain confidence and self-respect for something totally separate from anything that person had ever touched.

I think part of my bitterness was unresolved jealousy that they got to just walk away and I had to carry the shit they'd caused me.

I am going through something similar. I can be happy in a good mood sometimes and then get moments of 'how fucking dare he' and get all angry again. I also found therapy helped , to put the focus back on myself and what I could learn from the experience and what to look out for next relationship if I ever have one again (living with a man other than my baby boy doesn't feel appealing now!)

Like your username too.

Also block the people if you can and ask mutual friends not to give you updates about them. This frees you up a bit to focus your energy else where .

It is hard, I struggle with similar issues and my revenge of being alive when the person who hurt me so much is not had actually not helped at all! Counselling helped, talking to family helped. What I’ve had to work hard at, and still do, is not letting the past have power over me. It still does, but not fully anymore. Accepting it, not berating myself and taking control of now all help. I wish there was an easy any though.

I'm 23 years and 14 years on from the two big relationships of my life where both times they got younger fertile women pregnant before finally admitting there was someone else. Once was enough, but twice! After my son was born (with first partner) we tried for another, I had miscarriages and gave up hope.

I told my friend I'd given up hope. But she wasn't my friend she was the OW and I didn't know. She used that to suggest I didn't WANT another child. (He told me this).

The second - a horribly similar story.

But, this is not about me, I'm not trying to derail your thread. I'm still angry- I will not use the word bitter, because it's thrown at women as a throw away nasty judgement. I was hurt, to my core. Then it became anger. And it's never gone away. I don't act on it. I know it's there. I've cut people who associate with either of the men out of my life completely, I don't need people who think it's ok to break a heart.

On the outside I'm a successful, stable intelligent and kind woman. But if I see OW in the park (they live close to me) the adrenaline floods back like it was all yesterday. I've learned to feel the anger, to feel the adrenaline and to know what I would like to do. And I don't act on it. Sometimes it is incredibly difficult. 23 years have passed but it's never gone away, so I would say it's normal to feel angry with the people who have hurt you to the core. And sadly you have to find ways of dealing with the anger that comes up EVERY FUCKING TIME without acting in a way that could get you arrested.

I swim, I tell a friend, I stomp (walking fast and hard), I do a hypnosis session on you tube, I do anything I can to cope.

Sorry for the long response, I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. It's shit. It's not fair and (for me) it will not go away- so you have to find ways of getting the adrenaline and cortisol down. Talk, exercise, a reward for yourself for not doing the thing you want to - anything. It's goes away as do all feelings, but it comes back. Sending unmumsnetty best wishes and hope that you'll find your ways to deal with it.

Nothing lasts forever, not feelings, not relationships, nothing. They come, they go.

Focus on how much easier it feels when the adrenaline is not coursing through your body, and do the things that make you happy. Keep on keeping on.

Hire a hitman?

Joking aside, I agree with @Mxflamingnoravera that ‘bitter’ is a term used to try to shut down female anger. It sounds as if you have a lot to be angry about.

Not as long as you but I struggled to move on from a bad boyfriend and bad boss. I ended up having hypnotherapy which was pretty amazing. I think I had two or three sessions. I remember imagining I was on the beach and picking up stones (the people who had caused me upset) and throwing them into the sea.

I would definitely consider hypnotherapy or EMDR (which helps with trauma).

It's hard but just let it go.

Other people don't realise or care why you are bitter so don't give it any more headspace.

It's not easy to do and you will lapse from time to time but it works for me.

some things I simply learned to accept. They weren’t nice, they caused long term trauma and doubt but I was punishing myself by reliving it. It took a long time to come around, stating in a factual way and accepting that it was my truth. It didn’t change the reality of what was but it changed how I allowed it to affect me

💐

Dart board with their pictures.
Punch bag thinking of them.
Write letters pouring out every angry thought. Do not send.

Evntualy, you get tired of yourself thinking of them. Really tired. Then burn the letters.

Hi OP. By being bitter you've let these people take decades of your life. Don't let them take however long you've got left too.

In an empty house scream, rant, rave and swear at them. As many 'fuck you [xxx]'s as you can muster. Sod you yyy. Go to hell and don't come back zzz.

When you have no energy or voice left, put the kettle on, sit down with a hot drink and just...let it go. Being bitter isn't hurting them, it's only hurting you. Of course what they did is unfair, and it's that unfairness that eats away at you, moreso than what they actually did sometimes. Cut contact with any you still see or hear from. And take some time to be nice to yourself. Some little treats, whatever that means for you. Slowly try to find little bits of happiness. Over time they will start to add up.

Good luck. You can do this.

@LylaLee

Ooops! Just spotted that you started this thread over two weeks ago. I hope you are finding a way to let go of the bitterness.