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Original poster

Stepson stolen from me and lies

27 replies

Jlou15 · 03/09/2023 23:07

Please someone help!

I have been so lucky so far to have an amazing relationship with my partners 9 year old son. I have gone out of my way to make him feel happy in my home and never had any problems.

i am fully aware that the child didn’t like my partners previous girlfriend and even accused her of hitting him. He has also accused my partner of being violent with him and also lied about his Mums partner hitting him so he does have form for telling lies and trying to play adults against each other.

The home me and my partner live in is a small one bedroom flat and it is mine. My partner moved into the flat but it is all in my name and my mortgage. I have always however referred to it as “our” home as that is what it is to me and I want his son to feel welcome and comfortable. As it is small we have to make adjustments when we have my partners som every weekend. So we let him sleep in our bedroom and we sleep on a tiny sofa bed every other weekend. So I have not only given up my bed but also trusted the child with all my belongings around him.

The child has never displayed any bad behaviour but his eating habits are shocking and basically when he is with us he tries to do what he wants and eat treats constantly. I have started to become strict and try and help with his nutrition due to his adhd and also I don’t really want him devouring crisps chocolate and sweets at 10am. So I have started saying no and also pulling his dad up on these bad habits. I have also become sick and tired of constantly clearing up after both of the boys and having to deal with mess everywhere. So effectively I have tightened the rules and not being a push over anymore.

since putting new boundaries in place my partners son has become rude by ignoring me, turning his back to me in restaurants not engaging with me when I try and talk to him and also insulting my family. I then noticed money missing from my drawer and a picture missing of me and my partner. Upon further inspection in my bedroom I noticed a bracelet and two pairs of earrings missing.
These items were then found in his bags and toy boxes. The photo of my partner and I had been screwed up. The child has denied it and become hysterical and started saying I have framed him and made up that I have had a go at him for throwing something at me (an incident that never happened).
I have also found photographs of me and family members ripped up and hidden under my bed.

My partner of course asked me if I had done anything as he wanted both sides but he effectively knows I would never do that and his son also has form for lying and trying to come between people.
His Mother is backing him up and believing I have framed him to get him out the picture and now says he is not safe to come and stay with us. Also saying this infront of him so now he has won.

I am absolutely devastated. I adored this kid and I went out of me way for him and helped anyway I could.

he is now going to be coming to stay with us still but how can I trust him in my home and I am also terrified he may make up more lies and try and ruin mine and my partners relationship.
I am so upset but also still concerned about the kid as I do care about him. But also I am so angry and can’t bare to even look at him right now. I am worried for my partner and feel so sad for him. All I want is for us all to work in this together but I feel like the kid is making me out to be daddy’s horrible girlfriend and I just don’t know what to do.

OP posts:

determinedtomakethiswork · 03/09/2023 23:22

I would end the relationship as it's very bad for you and for the child. No way would I want to be involved in anything like that.

pinkyredrose · 03/09/2023 23:25

Stop letting him have free rein of your bedroom for a start! If this is going to work you need to move to a bigger place.

socialdilemmawhattodo · 03/09/2023 23:25

How long have you been together, and how long these living arrangements?

Testina · 03/09/2023 23:30

“I have also become sick and tired of constantly clearing up after both of the boys”

Seriously? You’re going to call your boyfriend one of the “boys” in this context?

I tend to think 3 strikes and you’re out.

Strike 1: he doesn’t even house his own child for his contact time, he’s relying on you when you don’t even have a room for this child to feel is his own.

Strike 2: he’s so messy and disrespectful of your time and environment that you mentally lump him in with a child.

Strike 3: “My partner of course asked me if I had done anything as he wanted both sides”. WTAF?!!! Your boyfriend wanted you to confirm that you didn’t screw up a photo to fit up his child?!!!

It’s sad that you put time into this child and care about him… but I don’t understand why you’re even with his father. I would grieve the ending of the relationship with the child and move on from them both.

I can’t believe he questioned if you’d, “done anything” 😳

HugoDarracott · 04/09/2023 02:34

Testina · 03/09/2023 23:30

“I have also become sick and tired of constantly clearing up after both of the boys”

Seriously? You’re going to call your boyfriend one of the “boys” in this context?

I tend to think 3 strikes and you’re out.

Strike 1: he doesn’t even house his own child for his contact time, he’s relying on you when you don’t even have a room for this child to feel is his own.

Strike 2: he’s so messy and disrespectful of your time and environment that you mentally lump him in with a child.

Strike 3: “My partner of course asked me if I had done anything as he wanted both sides”. WTAF?!!! Your boyfriend wanted you to confirm that you didn’t screw up a photo to fit up his child?!!!

I can’t believe he questioned if you’d, “done anything” 😳

Add to the above it sounds like Dad doesn't even parent. All the boundaries seem to be coming from op.

Seriously I'd finish this relationship.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/09/2023 02:37

FFS, op, raise your standards. Why on earth would you invite this baggage into your life?

RantyAnty · 04/09/2023 02:49

The dad saw you coming.

So many men do this. Cocklodge off of women as they don't want to parent themselves.

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 04/09/2023 02:51

Get a lock for your bedroom door and keep everything valuable in there. The kid can sleep on the sofa bed. Make sure that the TV, etc are moved into your room too.

user1492757084 · 04/09/2023 02:54

Lock on your bedroom door (everything valuable inside) until the relationship is over.
The child's father need to be policing his behaviour and spemding much more time with him to observe how he is when he is staying. His child should never be alone with you.
You need to back off for your own protection.

Guiltyfeethavegotnorhythm0 · 04/09/2023 02:56

Where did the dad live before ? Flat share?

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 04/09/2023 03:06

I meant kid can sleep on sofa bed with dad. Dad will kick off, OP will realise she’s being played, bin them both.

AnythingILike · 04/09/2023 03:18

This is just another example of why I don't agree with blended families etc

It's fine until something like this happens, then you realise that the relationship with the step children is paper thin

I'm sorry because you're honestly trying hard but I'm in the end the relationship camp

curaçao · 04/09/2023 04:47

It sounds as though the boy is hurting a lot about your relationship with ĥis dad.
The practical solution for now of course is tht he sleeps on the sofabed

Vijia · 04/09/2023 05:03

Op do you work in a profession where these allegations could end your career?

You need to get rid of the pair of them.

How you can possibly tolerate a man and son totally using you and your place with so little regard that they leave a mess?

Would you move I to someone else's home and create a mess for them to deal with? No? Why? Is it because you have a conscience?

What do you like about being such a mug and such a doormat?

These allegations have the devastating potential to ruin your life and peace of mind and yet you are still trying to ponder to them and make it work?

Honestly op what has happened to you that this is your poor expectations of how badly you expect to be treated and sleepwalking into the most miserable life?

Bananalanacake · 04/09/2023 06:13

Can't you have a relationship without living together, you can see him once or twice a week, no need to even meet his DC if you don't want to. How long were you together when he moved in. Could he move out?

BuddhaAtSea · 04/09/2023 06:25

Your DP needs to move out and parent his son. Trust me, I’ve been there.

Doingmybest12 · 04/09/2023 06:36

I think having your partners mother think you are framing an 8 year old child and him asking if you've done anything would be it for me. He needs to move out and look after his own child which his child seems desperate for him to do.

Peajee · 04/09/2023 06:56

If things are generally good with your partner then I would be looking for ways to work around this. I agree with other posters though that you having to tidy up after him and his son is really not on. It's also really not fair that you are the one to have to implement boundaries, his dad should be doing that. I'm a step-parent too and it is seriously hard work, another poster put it very well when she said that the relationship between a step-parent and step-child is paper thin. It's true and because of this I will always make sure that my DP is the one to set the boundaries because if I was to do it, it would only lead to resentment from my stepkids. Once my DP has got the ball rolling I can follow his lead but by that point the rule has already been put in place by their dad and an expectation has been set, I've not implemented it, I'm just supporting their dad in his implementation of the rules (if that makes sense?).

I think your only way around this though is getting a bigger place if that's possible for you, then your stepson can have his own room, his own space, no worries about him mucking around with your stuff but it will also likely make him feel happier and have a greater sense of belonging if he has a room that's his rather than staying in your room which will make him feel more like a guest. Maybe suggesting a new place and getting him his own space could be a way to restore your relationship with him as well as it might make him feel like you are considering him and his needs despite what he has done.
Otherwise maybe your partner should move out and get his own place for him and his son and you just live separately.

It also sounds like your stepson needs some kind of counselling or therapy to deal with his emotions and behaviour.

Primproperpenny · 04/09/2023 07:33

Goodbye to the sorry pair of them. You’re the only one making an effort here.

BocolateChiscuits · 04/09/2023 08:40

The entire family, including your DP, son and son's DM are using you - as housing, childcare, parenting, housemaid, conflict resolver and emotional punch bag. It's not the son's fault, but the two parents need to grow up and take responsibility for their own lives and child.

How old is the relationship? I honestly think you need to extricate yourself from this situation, and give the parents an opportunity to grow up. Ask DP to move out, and visit him to keep the relationship with both him and son. If he thinks the request is unreasonable, there's no hope, dump him.

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 04/09/2023 11:16

If he can’t/won’t stand up to the ex and ensure that the kid is accountable for his behaviour, there is not a bright future for anyone involved. It won’t get better by itself, it will continue to escalate.

viques · 04/09/2023 11:27

This sounds like a very unhappy little boy, who has had a lot of changes in his life and isn’t coping with them at all. Sadly -because I think you sound like a caring and considerate person who is genuinely concerned - I don’t think he is your responsibility to fix , and I don’t think you can fix him, no matter how hard you try to be kind to him and accommodate him in your life.

He has parents who don’t trust each other and don’t see that the problems with their son come from them, and their poor parenting. I would really consider giving up on your relationship with this man and his unhappy child . It is really not going to get any better, and the situation as it is at the moment is untenable.

Honeychickpea · 04/09/2023 11:59

Drop them both. You deserve better.

Newestname002 · 04/09/2023 12:05

@Jlou15

These allegations have the devastating potential to ruin your life and peace of mind and yet you are still trying to ponder to them and make it work?

OP I can't agree with this ^^ more. You do not seem to realise the problems this child, his weak father and child's mother could make for you if/when this escalates. As the child's poor behaviour gets more daring as he gets away with his actions who's to stop him accusing you of hitting him, as he accused his father's previous girlfriend of doing?

Please protect yourself, be sensible and tell (not ask) your partner he has to move out ASAP and parent his child away from you.

Where he moved to is his problem to solve. He has to step up and not use you as a substitute mother to his child and then ask you whether there any allegations in his child's lies about you. 🌹

Newestname002 · 04/09/2023 12:08

Correction: He has to step up and not use you as a substitute mother to his child and then ask you whether there is any truth in the lies child says about you. 🌹

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