Friends complaining about their husbands

[Yutyrt12356]

I am friends with several school mums. We have known each other for some time now and our kids get on. They are all either SAHM or working PT - for the context. I am working FT, as frankly, I have to. They are all intelligent and educated women who used to work but working with three kids is no longer possible since their husbands are working long hours in banking etc I think we spend half of our time when we meet up with them saying their husbands don’t do much. How they are incapable of knowing when the half term is on, how they can’t work out the clubs, can’t look after the kids. These men are all senior people at work who manage large teams! I don’t get why they put up with this crap. My husband and I work as a team and share our leave and responsibilities. Why should I do it all? I did say this a few times - in a nice way but today I hear husbands took fa time over the holidays. What’s happening here?!

Tbh if I was a SAHM, I'd expect to be the one who knows more about what happens when, with the children. As it is, dh and I both work ft so we both have to know all of this as we each do a bit of it.

I'd still expect a working parent to do half of all the shit that falls on weekends etc, but if there's a sahp too, isn't the "working week" element of house and children their main responsibility?

I've got a lot of sympathy for your friends and their moaning. All their marriages probably started off equal but gradually the domestic sphere and responsibilities fell on them.

It's great you have a more equal partnership. It's sadly rare that a husband proactively takes on an equal share. I am always quick to call out colleagues who "forget" when half term is - it's really not a flex

It's not just a matter of telling your husband to step up. It's much more insidious than that. It's easier to do it yourself then nag. It's knowing you have to keep the wheels on and meet the children's physical and emotional needs. They (your friends) might be tolerably content to continue with their lot if they get to moan and support each other. Especially if the alternative is the same level of work but a much lower standard of living.

Can you ask them to leave it off when you meet?

Maybe mention the term "weaponised incompetence" to them ...

Completely agree

I agree with PP that they are SAHP though. If their husbands are facilitating their ability to have three kids and be a SAHP then surely there needs to be bit of give with that.

There can be a tendency, when a group of mums get together, to run down fathers and their contribution. You almost feel guilty (or gloating) that your partner isn't like that.
When we both worked FT, pre children, we shared everything pretty evenly. Then we had DC and I became SAHP and our roles changed dramatically. Even when I went back to work we had got used to a different balance, the mental load of children/household was difficult to pass over - it takes a real effort from both of you.

I make a point to never badmouth my DH to anyone, even if he's irritated me. Sometimes I'll say in a light-hearted way "why are they like this?!" when chatting with my friends but it's an affectionate rather than disparaging way.

Tbh I don't expect DH to know all the stuff about the kids. He works, I stay at home with them. He does his best if he needs to but generally they're my responsibility. It's not like he does nothing, he does their bath time every night, puts DD to bed, does his share of household chores when he's home. There's no need for him to know about their holidays and appointments though. He spends a lot less time alone with them both so isn't as good at managing their disputes because it's not something he does day in day out. I don't know. It works for us.

I think people are ignoring the chicken and egg effect. These men aren't necessarily facilitating their wives to SAH, often they're the reason they stay at home. To succeed in the workplace with small children, it helps if your partner has your back. That means doing their share of nursery runs, night wakings, weekend mornings etc. and pulling their weight at home. If you think about how many women end up doing everything on maternity leave (and a lot of people think this is fine - she's at home with the baby, why shouldn't she do everything 🙄?), well this creates a pattern that it's very difficult for the woman to break when she goes back to work. And so working, which was quite easy previously, becomes very, very tough. Not impossible, but tough. And when you're exhausted and letting everyone down, it's easy to think (if you can afford it) that taking a break would be the best option. But then a couple of years down the line, some people realise that they've become a service human being to their family, available 24/7 without rest breaks, and without the recognition and monetary rewards that work brings. At that point, their confidence is knocked/their skillset is out-of-date/childcare is apparently too expensive, so it's difficult to get out of the rut. And if they do, they'll still be doing everything at home because they don't have the big important man job, so why put themselves through it?

It's not a recipe for a happy marriage and the only thing that can make it work is deep and mutual respect on both sides. And if you respect your spouse and their contribution to your life and your shared children, you're not sleeping in, sitting on the sofa or out doing hobbies the whole time while they run round after everyone but instead you're making sure they get a break as well. So what I suspect they're really complaining about is a lack of respect.

I chose to work pt because my dh massively struggled when we both worked full time and more was expected of him in terms of the house and kids. And I have a disability which means I find ful time work hard. Dh is breadwinner, while he is at work I do kids/childcare/mental load / work 10 hours a week. On a evening dh plays with our children and we do bed time together. On a weekend we are 50:50.

We both respect each other roles as they are both valuable.