Funeral anxiety….what happens?

[GreatBigBeautifulTommorow]

Just to preface that I have anxiety especially around social things, so generally avoid at all costs.

attending funeral of best friends partner next week, no invites as such.
the last I attended was a parent and I don’t remember it.

cremation followed by wake.

can anyone talk me through the order of stuff and what happens?

how long before start time do I need to arrive?
Do you wait outside and follow family in or are people seated first?
when does the deceased get brought in?
is there etiquette as to where to sit?
do the family leave first at the end and everyone else follow out?
is it frowned upon not to attend wake?
She said doesn’t care what people wear, is not wearing all black Really ok?

Any tips to remain composed during service? ( I find it hard to keep emotions in)

sorry for the essay and thanks in advance!

Usually people wait outside for the family and hearse to arrive. I’ve been to funerals where staff ask mourners to be seated first and others where the family go in first. Usually, the first row or 2 is kept for family. Staff will direct you. You will be given an order of service. I’d aim to arrive 15 minutes before the service starts.

When all seated you’ll be asked to stand while the coffin is brought in and then the service will start. Usually lasts 20-30minutes.

After, family leave first usually. I have seen funerals where immediate family line up so you can walk past, shake a hand, pay your respects. Others I have been to you just leave and go to the wake after as the family don’t want a line up/meet at that time. It is ok not to go to the wake and it’s also ok not to wear black. I wouldn’t go in bright colours though unless that’s specifically requested.

Keeping composed, just keep your emotions to yourself quietly. No wailing or crying out loud. The day isn’t about you.

Sometimes, there is a collection instead of flowers. This for charity so take some cash with you to donate if you wish.

It can be difficult to park so arrive 30mins beforehand but go to the doors (you can always sit in the car for a few mins.) People then gather outside and the doors 10mins before, they will open and often the coffin is walked in.

Staff will usher you in when appropriate. As with a wedding it tends to be close family in the first couple of aisles, then extended family and friends behind.

Again, staff will lead people out when the music is playing. It will be obvious when to leave so don’t worry.

If she said no black then it’s fine but unless they’ve specified an alternative dress code just wear something somber.

If you can attend the wake then do, it’s a chance to show support for your friend. You don’t need to stay long, but it’s an opportunity to speak briefly to her you won’t get at the actual funeral. She may not register who is at the actual funeral.

Funerals are never the easiest of occasions to attend but most people will be lost in their own thoughts rather than thinking about or observing the other attendees.

I've seen it done both ways - family in following the casket, then everyone else comes in. Or Everyone is in then the casket is brought in. You'll be able to take your cue from other people there.

Closest family in the first row or two usually. That might depend how big the family is.

Take something that will distract you from emotions if you find it hard to cope. Usually that's my kids but anything discreet is fine. A bracelet to fiddle with. Sweet to quietly suck. I don't watch the photo show as that makes me emotional.

At the end the family usually follows the casket out, followed by the other people. I've also seen it done where the casket remains at the front (usually cremations) and everyone leaves behind the family at close of service.

The family will usually line up at the back for people to shake their hand and offer condolences. A bit like at weddings, but obviously that's not condolences.

In general, they flow quite logically once you're there. I'm sure you'll be fine. If they say colours don't matter, they don't matter. Your presence is more important.

I wanted to add to these helpful messages to say it’s okay to cry quietly. So don’t worry if you do. It is a sad occasion.

At the cremations I have been to, the casket goes behind a curtain at some point during the funeral.
At the end you leave following the family and there is an area where funeral flowers are displayed so you can look at them and chat quietly with other mourners.
After a short while you leave to go to the wake.

A lot is down to the family's preference. Some will request attendees are seated before the hearse and family arrive. Then the coffin is carried in with family mourners behind. The chapel should be clear about half an hour ahead but there will be a waiting room if you are too early. Front rows are usually reserved for family or specific invitees otherwise it may be a free for all. It is normal to at least attend the wake for a toast.

Family leave chapel first followed by others, often ushered by funeral director staff. The coffin may go behind a curtain while you are seated or after everyone has left.

The only cremation I've been to, the coffin was already there when everyone went in and it stayed there at the end when everyone left. If you feel like you won't be able to keep your emotions in check quietly, just step outside until you can compose yourself. I had a coughing fit at the cremation service so had to step out so I wasn't being excessively noisy.

The last church funeral I went to earlier this year, the family greeted everyone at the door as we went in so we could give our condolences, but other funerals I have seen the family stand and speak with the guests on the way out after the service. That last funeral, the church was packed, lots went to the graveside but the wake was noticeably less well attended. Try and go to the wake of you can, even just for a cup of tea for 20 mins, your friend will appreciate it.

Definitely no requirement to wear all black. I'd probably not wear bright colours (unless asked by the family) but not black either.

Be outside the Crematorium chapel (check you've got the right one, some have more than one on the site) 15 minutes before.

Often you'll see a staff member come out shortly before the car(s) are about to arrive - if they want people to go in first, they will tell you then. I tend to head for the back three rows unless there's a very small number of people waiting outside - I'd never go for the front four, as that's where most family will be.

You stand for the coffin being brought in, then the service is conducted. It may be religious, it may not. Music is likely to be played at different points.

Usually around 20 minutes later, the last piece of music is played and then people are told what direction and order they are to leave, generally walking past any flowers.

Shortly after that, people wait for the lead mourners/family to leave in their vehicle(s) and then depart for the wake, which could be very quiet and subdued or quite lively. Not everybody goes.

You don't have to wear black because the widow has said it's not important to her. I wouldn't suggest a PVC mini dress, but you could, if you're worried, wear a more subdued colour outfit - Navy, a floral with a dark background, charcoal grey. You'll need ideally flat shoes because gravel paths are very common at Crematoria.

They're usually OK. You don't have to interact with people a great deal if you're not comfortable - you might be asked your connection with the Deceased ('I'm a friend of 'widow's name' ' is a perfect response) by somebody. It's not confrontational, people just wonder or want to be able to talk - you can listen, that's very helpful to some.

Thankyou everyone it’s really helpful and reassuring to know what to expect.
@NeverDropYourMooncup dress is long navy floral and planned to wear flat sandals. I keep telling myself no one cares what I look like?

@WorkingItOutAsIGo i find it difficult to stop crying once I start and the day isn’t about me so I’m going to try my best to distract myself.
@WhateverUsernameWillDo great idea, I thought I might repeat a light song lyrics in my head to distract?

it’s all just awful, unexpected death and a long life left to lead ☹️
I worry for friend and the family and want to be there to support them although my fight or flight is telling me to run! (I won’t)

Your dress sounds completely fine.

Light song lyrics sounds like a good idea. That's what I do at the dentist. Do whatever makes it easier for you in that way. No-one knows what is going on in your head, so sing away if it helps you manage.

As it was an unexpected and young death there will probably be a high number of mourners so it may be standing room at the back.

I also didn’t watch the photo slideshow at the last funeral I went to as that makes my eyes well up just thinking about it! There’s something about seeing a life fly past in pictures that although beautiful is just so sad. I just studied the service & had to think about other things to distract myself. Have tissues handy though as it’s entirely normal to shed tears especially if you are an empathetic person, when seeing people you care about in a state of grief.

Remember you are not alone as no-one looks forward to a funeral.

It also means a lot to the family to have mourners there, it helps to know that others cared about your loved one.

Take travel tissues. Cry as much as you need x

I also think might have to not look at the photo display, such a loss to so many people ☹️

it’s says there’s a collection….how much do people put in?

Thankyou to everyone you’ve all made me feel so much better.

Anyone got any ideas of something I could send my friend in next weeks as a comfort?
I remember it being hard when everyone goes back to normal after the funeral?

Your a great friend for thinking about support after the funeral. So many don't. Maybe take your friend for a walk, coffee, just message them to see how they are getting on? Take them to a film? It means so much when people follow up and ask how you are doing.