Coming to terms with not having another dc

[anicecuppateaa]

Nc’d for this and warning for grumpy post.

DH has finally said he doesn’t want to have any more dc. I know the MN stance is the person who doesn’t want more trumps the one who does but I feel so sad and I hate him for taking this away. And why should what he wants be more important than what I want…

I imagined our future with another dc. I feel completely differently towards him now. Anyone been through this and can share how you can to terms with it?

We have happy dc already and I don’t want to disrupt their happy family life, and rationally I know I should just be happy with my lot. Even so, I’m so sad.

Secondly, I’ve told him he needs to get the snip. He absolutely won’t but surely contraception shouldn’t be my problem….

That’s difficult op. When I knew I couldn’t have any more children (medical reasons) I went through a kind of grieving process before I came to terms with it. You may have to go through that too.
I would also say to dh that contraception is now down to him. He’s changed his mind so he can sort out a vasectomy or condoms. If he doesn’t then there’s either no sex or the risk of pregnancy.

I could only have one child due to early menopause. Took me ages to accept it but l know dh didn't really want another one so that got him off the hook.
I totally underwtand how you feel op but agree with pp, contraception is now his responsibility.

I am sorry op . It's tough when you are not on the same page.

I agree re contraception I spent over twenty years on the pill/injection/coil. When we agreed we were done I no suggested dh gets the snip he doesn't want to so we use condoms. I no longer want to take medication that changes my hormones and impacts on my health/mental health.

Agree he needs to take over any contraception. But you also need to be prepared that if a pregnancy results, he may up and leave. Can you, and would you be prepared to, continue on as a lone parent?

Sorry, I would welcome the same.

I don't agree with this "trumping" business, people in a caring and respectful relationship don't go on about my opinion trumping yours - you resolve things by working it through til both are happy or at least accepting. Sounds like you are not there yet so for me the conversation wouldn't be closed; sounds like DH hasn't taken ownership of how much he's asking you to give up, if he won't get the snip.

Would feel the same, not welcome the same!!

It is completely reasonable not to want anymore children, and unfortunately for you, the person who says no more gets the final vote.
It does, however, take a monumentally selfish cunt to say no more children and then expect the other person who wants more children, to be in charge of contraception. I often think when I read these threads that THAT is what the dealbreaker would be, for me.

You're totally justified in your disappointment and at the moment it must be quite raw. If the hurt doesn't go away, I'd suggest you split in the hopes another partner wanted a child with you further down the line (if it was that important to you).

I do agree that if one parent doesn't want another, then that parent "trumps" the other. There's a risk that the child could become resented.

I would say that he should take ownership and have the snip if he's definitely done - sure he wants to avoid any accidents, as I would presume you would continue with the pregnancy if it were to happen. In his shoes, I'd also be worried of a hot so accidental accident (not saying you would do this, but I'm sure some would).

Thank you for the kind responses. It helps to have people who understand rather than being told I need to be happy with what I’ve got.

I don’t think I could ever leave just to have another dc. It would be unfair on existing dc, but I do need to find a way to live with this and be happy.

I think when the dust has settled we need to speak again about preventing pregnancy, and it being his responsibility. I’ve fallen pregnant by surprise more than once whilst on the pill (mc and other issues though so we don’t have as many dc as that might suggest!).

Did you discuss how many children you wanted before you started your family? It sounds like you have more than one child already, and everyone has their limits! My dad said no to number 7, I said no to number 3.

We have one by choice but we changed our minds after I had a miscarriage. Circumstance do change.
However, he should definitely have a vasectomy. He considers your family complete, so he can take responsibility.

@Thingsthatgo not explicitly, no. Circumstances have meant having dc/ successful pregnancies has been more complicated than we expected.

I fully understand that now we have a healthy dc, he doesn’t see the need to go through potential pain again. He is being very logical whereas I’m being led with my heart. It would be me struggling through the effects of pregnancy/ other potential issues.

It wouldn't just be you struggling through the pregnancy though. It'd be his child too and any complications/issues would effect him aswell. Granted, not in the same physical way, but mentally and emotionally, it would.

@HawdMeBack true. I was thinking of the physical stuff, but the stress would affect him too.

I don't think the early discussions of how many children you want are binding, mind. No one truly knows how difficult having a child is until their first.