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Original poster

Autistic overwhelm

32 replies

adotonthespectrum · 02/09/2023 19:32

How do you work through it?

Life easily ‘stresses’ me and I find social interactions really tiring, particularly the masking part and having to remember how to make small talk - I end up feeling like I’ve stretched my brain/just finished an intensive exam, at the end of every single day. That’s the best way I can describe it, all spaced out for a bit. As a result I need plenty time to decompress after what would be most people’s normal day. If I don’t get this I feel irritable/very stressed and usually it results in me being unproductive and losing all energy ie for house work and other tasks. I’m not sensitive to noise as such but I think throughout the day the sensory input of bustling shops, busy public transport etc contributes to me feeling completely zoned out. I don’t know how to combat it!

I suspect I am neurodiverse and have thought this for a number of years but don’t have a diagnosis to confirm.

I work full time and have a nice house, good family network, a wonderful DH and a couple of lovely friends. We hope to have DC in the near future.

I saw a statistic which said only 20% of autistic people are in employment and I daresay this is skewed by number of diagnoses but it makes sense to me… I feel like my batteries for socialising and the outside world drain a lot faster than I hope they might!

If this is you, what helps? :) thank you

OP posts:
Mabelface · 02/09/2023 19:47

Active noise cancelling headphones and not going to things I find too overwhelming. I also work from home.

Eddyraisins · 02/09/2023 19:54

I feel exactly the same and have all of my life.

My catchphrase to my friend is I need a little rest.

I am a teacher, my day is so draining that all i can do is watch TV some nights after work.

If I go on holiday I need 4 days to get over it.

Singleandproud · 02/09/2023 19:58

You describe exactly what my DD describes a day at school like. What I do is make sure she has a snack and drink and comfy clothes ready when she comes home and her noise cancelling headphones. She comes in takes an hour or more and then is ready to talk to me after, if she's under the weather then this can take a lot longer. She is allowed to take her noise cancelling headphones to school to listen to music at lunch time. She finds Spotify to be a massive help as she can zone out the rest of the world and listen to the same songs on a loop, or will make playlists that represent her moods, almost her own type of musical therapy I guess.

I limit the demands I place on her massively if I know she's had a tricky day/week and will have favourite repetitive meals ready as she's often not in the headspaace to try something new. After school plans often go out the window as she can't manage them but that makes the longterm more manageable.

We learnt these things the hard way, at Christmas before she had her diagnosis she had autistic burnout for several days and could barely formulate a sentence or move from the sofa it was quite scary but did spur me on to go for a private diagnosis.

Have a look at the Ambition Autism website.

I guess when she's an adult I hope she'll have someone to support her during those challenging times or will set up her routines to help her manage her energy levels.

Singleandproud · 02/09/2023 20:00

Oh and going anywhere to stay DD needs a travel day either side when we just travel and nothing else.

The noise cancelling headphones she has are Anker Soundcore from Amazon, they were £35 in the sale but I think they are £50 normally. The can work with the noise cancelling on or off with no music, or with music or can be used as a headset when linked to a device which is great for teams calls.

DojaPhat · 02/09/2023 20:01

I experience something similar especially with regards to making small talk and general social niceties which really make me feel as though I've just sat an exam in astrophysics. I make (read: not find) time within my day to have even just 5 mins to recompose and stand/sit/walk with noise-cancelling headphones on. I have a playlist on Spotify of podcasts which I'll play when opportunity presents of talk shows which are fairly average and non-eventful but crucially allow me to tune out my brain. I have set routines which bring some sense of normalcy and it's simple things like removing make-up and cleansing my face.

I find that it being others who have the capacity to throw me off balance with things which are considered entirely normal interactions means that I do have to make a proactive effort to put as much 'protection' so to speak, around my brain as feasibly possible.

Where possible share this with people you actually trust, my siblings and best friends know that me going silent from time to time i.e. means just that - I just need some silence because they know in return I'll make every effort for them when I'm able to.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 02/09/2023 20:05

Me too. I am very careful about how much activity I say yes to. It helps that I don't have many friends - I see mother group once every couple of months. Also I am fine with saying no I don't want to do that but thanks for the invite. Having a weighted duvet makes a world of difference to me. I do as much online shopping as possible. I decline to speak the local language outside of working hours. I just don't have the headspace to jump through that additional hoop.

Original poster
adotonthespectrum · 02/09/2023 20:12

Singleandproud · 02/09/2023 19:58

You describe exactly what my DD describes a day at school like. What I do is make sure she has a snack and drink and comfy clothes ready when she comes home and her noise cancelling headphones. She comes in takes an hour or more and then is ready to talk to me after, if she's under the weather then this can take a lot longer. She is allowed to take her noise cancelling headphones to school to listen to music at lunch time. She finds Spotify to be a massive help as she can zone out the rest of the world and listen to the same songs on a loop, or will make playlists that represent her moods, almost her own type of musical therapy I guess.

I limit the demands I place on her massively if I know she's had a tricky day/week and will have favourite repetitive meals ready as she's often not in the headspaace to try something new. After school plans often go out the window as she can't manage them but that makes the longterm more manageable.

We learnt these things the hard way, at Christmas before she had her diagnosis she had autistic burnout for several days and could barely formulate a sentence or move from the sofa it was quite scary but did spur me on to go for a private diagnosis.

Have a look at the Ambition Autism website.

I guess when she's an adult I hope she'll have someone to support her during those challenging times or will set up her routines to help her manage her energy levels.

Thank you! I’ll look at ambition autism, really interesting she describes it in the same way! Can I ask how old she was when she was diagnosed?

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 02/09/2023 20:21

@adotonthespectrum she was 13, its something that was always in the back of my mind as my Ddad and Dbro show many signs but are undiagnosed.

I dare say had I not had a decade plus of working with children with ASD that I would have missed it altogether. At Primary she was obviously very bright, and very quiet but I put this down to being an only child and had quirky interests like Shakespeare but again, I thought that was a home influence thing. Things fell apart when she started secondary like it does for so many children whose ASD is more subtle, the school work was too easy but the school environment was just a nightmare for her. Thankfully her school are amazing and my prior experience is useful as I know what is reasonable to ask for in terms of adjustments.

Original poster
adotonthespectrum · 02/09/2023 20:43

Singleandproud · 02/09/2023 20:21

@adotonthespectrum she was 13, its something that was always in the back of my mind as my Ddad and Dbro show many signs but are undiagnosed.

I dare say had I not had a decade plus of working with children with ASD that I would have missed it altogether. At Primary she was obviously very bright, and very quiet but I put this down to being an only child and had quirky interests like Shakespeare but again, I thought that was a home influence thing. Things fell apart when she started secondary like it does for so many children whose ASD is more subtle, the school work was too easy but the school environment was just a nightmare for her. Thankfully her school are amazing and my prior experience is useful as I know what is reasonable to ask for in terms of adjustments.

Thank you! Very interesting and she is lucky she had you and your experience otherwise it sounds like it could’ve been missed. Girls and women present so differently, don’t they. I was ok in high school though always felt like a bit of an alien - for me it fell apart post 16/college and I ended up dropping out which surprised everyone. I’ve made my own way and have higher education now but had to go through alternative means and study remotely. There must be thousands and thousands of girls like your daughter (and me). Not easy! X

OP posts:
BlueBlubbaWhale · 02/09/2023 20:49

Hi OP

I don't feel sensitive to every day background noise but it definitely drains me and it builds up. I would recommend noise cancelling headphones/ear plugs. I wore some in the supermarket recently and actually came out feeling happy rather than like I wanted to murder someone 😬. Also plan quiet time and spread social things out. We try and have an active day followed by a quiet day to recover where possible,

illbeinthegarden · 02/09/2023 20:52

I'm just the same, I have thought I have asd for many years now... I have two sons who were diagnosed around aged 8. When they hit high school they would come home and sleep it was exhausting for them.

I schedule downtime as if I don't have quiet time at home through the week I really struggle and I try and have 1 weekend day home just pottering. I have headphones to tube out and put a podcast on. I do enjoy going out but if I say yes to lots of things I feel like I need a week off!

Thehonestbadger · 02/09/2023 21:12

I was you.

Honestly I could have written that exact post 4 years ago.
I was sociable and successful mid 20’s on the surface but found it very hard to maintain.
I sometimes had to mentally remind myself to make more direct eye contact. Silly little things like that. I would love coming home from work to zone out in my room with my laptop and especially post socialising would need to ‘recharge’. I had lots of friends but no ‘best friends’, the idea of seeing someone 3/4 times a week suffocated me. I saw my closest friends maybe once a month and that was enough.

I was always a high achiever and a bit intense, it always felt like I was wired differently and operating on a different level to most around me. I focused a lot of my anxiety on food and was quite a picky eater with lots of little quirks I hid quite well.

I struggled a lot in relationships as the first few months of dating would be fine and I would project the version of me I wanted them to see but then when I couldn’t hide the oddness anymore it fell apart.

DH is a doctor and agrees I’m an odd case of mixed neurodivergence. One of our children is ASD and I wonder if that came from me.
I 100% pass as a fully functional, sociable and capable adult on the outside, you’d never think it of me but it’s very much there.

As for coping with it, You put coping mechanisms in place over the years some of which you’ll be aware of and some maybe not. I’m not going to try and throw ideas at you to help but I am going to tell you what absolutely horrifically and conclusively DOES NOT HELP and that’s having kids.

You will never get mental switch off again. Not fully, you will be spinning 14 new plates at any one time whilst never being able to put your own needs fully first and all the coping mechanisms you’ve had in place to support you up to this point, both intentional and unintentional, will fall apart.

4 years ago I was working an amazing job, had a good circle of friends, was doing part time TV/modelling work. Thought I was in a ‘good place’ with it all.

1 year ago (with two toddlers in tow) I was on the verge of being hospitalised with a BMI of 17, crying every day and losing my mind because I had lost control of every single part of my life and was having to function at the highest level I ever had, on no sleep, no mental switch off and no coping mechanisms.

Just very carefully consider your options before you make any big decisions xx

Ibizafun · 02/09/2023 21:20

Another one here.. I've often wondered if I'm neurotic diverse as socialising is such an effort that I actually look forward to when it's over and I can be me.

Dh and I have been invited on a friend's boat for a week and will be together with others most of the time. Dh recharges his batteries by being with others but I'm already panicking.

Original poster
adotonthespectrum · 02/09/2023 21:32

BlueBlubbaWhale · 02/09/2023 20:49

Hi OP

I don't feel sensitive to every day background noise but it definitely drains me and it builds up. I would recommend noise cancelling headphones/ear plugs. I wore some in the supermarket recently and actually came out feeling happy rather than like I wanted to murder someone 😬. Also plan quiet time and spread social things out. We try and have an active day followed by a quiet day to recover where possible,

Thank you. I really might have to invest. Can you recommend any?

OP posts:
Ilmecourtsurleharicot · 02/09/2023 21:36

These are great tips thanks everyone

Original poster
adotonthespectrum · 02/09/2023 21:41

Thehonestbadger · 02/09/2023 21:12

I was you.

Honestly I could have written that exact post 4 years ago.
I was sociable and successful mid 20’s on the surface but found it very hard to maintain.
I sometimes had to mentally remind myself to make more direct eye contact. Silly little things like that. I would love coming home from work to zone out in my room with my laptop and especially post socialising would need to ‘recharge’. I had lots of friends but no ‘best friends’, the idea of seeing someone 3/4 times a week suffocated me. I saw my closest friends maybe once a month and that was enough.

I was always a high achiever and a bit intense, it always felt like I was wired differently and operating on a different level to most around me. I focused a lot of my anxiety on food and was quite a picky eater with lots of little quirks I hid quite well.

I struggled a lot in relationships as the first few months of dating would be fine and I would project the version of me I wanted them to see but then when I couldn’t hide the oddness anymore it fell apart.

DH is a doctor and agrees I’m an odd case of mixed neurodivergence. One of our children is ASD and I wonder if that came from me.
I 100% pass as a fully functional, sociable and capable adult on the outside, you’d never think it of me but it’s very much there.

As for coping with it, You put coping mechanisms in place over the years some of which you’ll be aware of and some maybe not. I’m not going to try and throw ideas at you to help but I am going to tell you what absolutely horrifically and conclusively DOES NOT HELP and that’s having kids.

You will never get mental switch off again. Not fully, you will be spinning 14 new plates at any one time whilst never being able to put your own needs fully first and all the coping mechanisms you’ve had in place to support you up to this point, both intentional and unintentional, will fall apart.

4 years ago I was working an amazing job, had a good circle of friends, was doing part time TV/modelling work. Thought I was in a ‘good place’ with it all.

1 year ago (with two toddlers in tow) I was on the verge of being hospitalised with a BMI of 17, crying every day and losing my mind because I had lost control of every single part of my life and was having to function at the highest level I ever had, on no sleep, no mental switch off and no coping mechanisms.

Just very carefully consider your options before you make any big decisions xx

I’m sorry it was so hard for you, I hope things have gotten easier. It sounds like your DH understands you which is the most important thing xxx

OP posts:
iminvestednow · 02/09/2023 21:47

Count yourself lucky you don’t have the type of autism that renders you non verbal and completely unable to lead a normal life and participate in society needing 24hr care.

Original poster
adotonthespectrum · 02/09/2023 21:49

iminvestednow · 02/09/2023 21:47

Count yourself lucky you don’t have the type of autism that renders you non verbal and completely unable to lead a normal life and participate in society needing 24hr care.

I’m not sure why you felt the need to write this to be honest x

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 02/09/2023 22:01

@iminvestednow I don't think that was very helpful, it's not OPs fault that autism has such a range of impacts on individuals (and their families) lives.

It's not a race to the bottom, you wouldn't say to someone that has had breast cancer "just count yourself lucky it wasn't cervical", it doesn't take away the signs and symptoms of their cancer nor the fear and worry that they have when they get their diagnosis nor the impact on their family even though it is smaller impact than someone with a more difficult to treat cancer.

Worriedmun · 02/09/2023 22:05

@iminvestednow why have you chosen to be so mean?

iminvestednow · 02/09/2023 22:05

I don’t want to be antagonistic at all and I appreciate your struggles but when there is one diagnosis for such vastly different situations it’s really hard. The autism is a superpower and the well worded articulate posts are extremely difficult to take when your child has no chance of a normal life and the word has no meaning anymore. People don’t want to differentiate which means it’s so much harder. I even had someone on here tell me my child’s autism was easier to deal with than theirs as he was too damaged to suffer social anxiety.

iminvestednow · 02/09/2023 22:08

I apologise, it came out a lot meaner than I meant. I’m so sorry, it’s not your fault. Clearly feeling a bit bitter today which is on me not you, sorry.

Original poster
adotonthespectrum · 02/09/2023 22:12

iminvestednow · 02/09/2023 22:05

I don’t want to be antagonistic at all and I appreciate your struggles but when there is one diagnosis for such vastly different situations it’s really hard. The autism is a superpower and the well worded articulate posts are extremely difficult to take when your child has no chance of a normal life and the word has no meaning anymore. People don’t want to differentiate which means it’s so much harder. I even had someone on here tell me my child’s autism was easier to deal with than theirs as he was too damaged to suffer social anxiety.

It’s ok lovely I get it! Those phrases wind me up too, there can be such a variance and some families have very difficult set ups x

OP posts:
iminvestednow · 02/09/2023 22:34

Thank you for understanding, I hope you’re ok.

Mabelface · 03/09/2023 10:28

If you can afford them, the Sony XM5 over ear headphones are the best on the market, and I'm saving for those! Currently have Anker Soundcore Q30s which do the job adequately. Couple of things I love about the Soundcores are you can pair with your phone just holding it to the right headphone, and you can move into transparency mode just by touching the same side.

I often wear them with no music playing, and they mute noise to the point where I can cope.