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Original poster

Apparently I'm a Trustee on the life insurance of a friend who ghosted me years ago, what do I do?

49 replies

loooooongstory · 01/09/2023 19:49

Looong story and I did post about it at the time but no idea where to find the thread.

Long story short. Friend ghosted me/dumped me about 3.5 years ago. Not long after I finally spoke up about her DH's coercive control towards her.

She then wanted to remain in a group chat with a load of other mutual friends and me. So she didn't want to be my friend, but she did want to look like she was my friend on the group chat.

Anyway, I buggered off out of the group chat because fuck that shit.

So she popped up again around November 2020 with an email about 'legal stuff' and her wanting to know if she should remove me as a trustee on her life insurance policy (something I had agreed to when we were friends). I assumed she had done this, because her email said she had.

Today I've had a letter from Legal and General about my trusteeship of the life insurance policy for her and the dickhead she has the misfortune to be married to.

I really don't want to open a can of worms with her, I have no interest in having any contact with her whatsoever.

Has anyone any idea how I can sort this out without involving her? Can I just write to Legal and General and ask to be removed? Weird thing is it's about 5 or 6 years since I agreed to be a trustee for her and this is the first time I've ever had a single piece of communication about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
loooooongstory · 01/09/2023 20:34

So does this mean she just wasn't physically able to retire me as a trustee do you think?

OP posts:
cheezncrackers · 01/09/2023 20:51

I would call Legal and General tomorrow and ask what the process is for removing yourself from this responsibility and tell them that you were assured that this was being done in 2020 so you're baffled to discover that it wasn't. I would also tell them that you are no longer in touch with the female half of the couple, as the friendship has broken down, and therefore it's completely inappropriate for you to have such a responsibility on your shoulders and you want it terminated immediately.

givemeasunnyday · 01/09/2023 20:54

Sorry, no advice - but what does a trustee of a life insurance policy do? I've never heard of it.

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Relationship problems
Chippy4me · 01/09/2023 20:57

I too have fallen out with my friend who is in a controlling relationship and she was a dick but I wouldn’t think twice about still being her trustee if I was one.

Surely, all that happens is that if she dies you get the money and hand it over to who you think is best (her kids).

If you don’t want to do it I would just message her and say as you too aren’t close anymore (you don’t even know where she lives) then you think it’s best you’re taken off it completely.
If she doesn’t take you off then ring the company up.

Chippy4me · 01/09/2023 21:00

givemeasunnyday · 01/09/2023 20:54

Sorry, no advice - but what does a trustee of a life insurance policy do? I've never heard of it.

I have a trustee.

I’m a single parent and my DD is too young to get my life insurance money.

A trustee is someone you trust who will get the money when you die and then you make sure it goes to the right place.

If you don’t have a trustee I believe it automatically goes to your next of kin which for me would be my mum who I wouldn’t trust with the money, as I want it to be given to my DD.

Original poster
loooooongstory · 01/09/2023 21:00

givemeasunnyday · 01/09/2023 20:54

Sorry, no advice - but what does a trustee of a life insurance policy do? I've never heard of it.

I'm not 100 percent sure, but reading through it I think that say both her and her husband died then the trustees would drip feed the money to their remaining (small) child on the terms they set out in their letter of wishes.

OP posts:
Original poster
loooooongstory · 01/09/2023 21:01

Chippy4me · 01/09/2023 20:57

I too have fallen out with my friend who is in a controlling relationship and she was a dick but I wouldn’t think twice about still being her trustee if I was one.

Surely, all that happens is that if she dies you get the money and hand it over to who you think is best (her kids).

If you don’t want to do it I would just message her and say as you too aren’t close anymore (you don’t even know where she lives) then you think it’s best you’re taken off it completely.
If she doesn’t take you off then ring the company up.

She emailed me three years ago to say she was removing me from this role?

OP posts:
Nagado · 01/09/2023 21:04

loooooongstory · 01/09/2023 20:12

Also, I have tried the web link on that letter to try and remove myself but it's asking for their address (I don't know it) her husband's date of birth (I don't know it) so I can't get anywhere with that.

I’d write to them, including a copy of their letter and her email saying she was going to remove you and giving them as much info as you know (names, dobs etc) and tell them you are no longer in contact with the policy holder, you will not be re-establishing contact at any point in the future, you understood that she had removed your name and you will not be undertaking any duties connected with the policy at any point in the future.

Then if anyone contacts you at any point after their deaths, tell them to go away. You can’t be forced to act for them.

AlisonDonut · 01/09/2023 21:13

loooooongstory · 01/09/2023 20:34

So does this mean she just wasn't physically able to retire me as a trustee do you think?

i'd imagine she might not be the one who actually emailed and she has ghosted you because she had to.

I'd leave it and make sure her husband didn't get a penny if she died personally.

Chippy4me · 01/09/2023 21:14

loooooongstory · 01/09/2023 21:01

She emailed me three years ago to say she was removing me from this role?

Show quote history

So I’d just message her and tell her you’ve received the letter and did she remove you or not.

givemeasunnyday · 01/09/2023 21:19

Chippy4me · 01/09/2023 21:00

I have a trustee.

I’m a single parent and my DD is too young to get my life insurance money.

A trustee is someone you trust who will get the money when you die and then you make sure it goes to the right place.

If you don’t have a trustee I believe it automatically goes to your next of kin which for me would be my mum who I wouldn’t trust with the money, as I want it to be given to my DD.

Show quote history

Thanks for the explanation. I've had a life insurance policy for most of my life, but no trustee, it will just become a part of my estate when I go.

Original poster
loooooongstory · 01/09/2023 21:20

@AlisonDonut as I said upthread it was definitely her who emailed me. It was a long email and contained a lot of personal history her DH wouldn't have known anything about. I've known her since we were 15, I can tell an email that's written by her from one that isn't.

OP posts:
givemeasunnyday · 01/09/2023 21:20

loooooongstory · 01/09/2023 21:00

I'm not 100 percent sure, but reading through it I think that say both her and her husband died then the trustees would drip feed the money to their remaining (small) child on the terms they set out in their letter of wishes.

Show quote history

Thanks.

Original poster
loooooongstory · 01/09/2023 21:21

givemeasunnyday · 01/09/2023 21:19

Thanks for the explanation. I've had a life insurance policy for most of my life, but no trustee, it will just become a part of my estate when I go.

Show quote history

Yes, our life insurance policy doesn't have a trustee either.

OP posts:
CKL987 · 01/09/2023 21:30

You can't just ignore it as you have a legal obligation as a trustee. If one of them died and you didn't do your duty as a trustee you could get sued.

ShineBright1209 · 01/09/2023 21:49

Can you not just get in touch with her about it. I know she’s obviously the one who’s written the email by what your saying but just because she wrote it it doesn’t mean that her controlling husband isn’t the one who got the ball rolling to stop contact.
Im no expert but from what I’ve heard/seen controlling people are good at manipulating others into doing the things they want without the victim even realising it.
Im not saying you should agree to still being a trustee but maybe a quick text could clear anything up.

whynotwhatknot · 01/09/2023 21:52

it looks likke you would only have to do this if they both died quite close to each other

either way the husband would get the money if she died and he doesnt

Original poster
loooooongstory · 01/09/2023 21:55

ShineBright1209 · 01/09/2023 21:49

Can you not just get in touch with her about it. I know she’s obviously the one who’s written the email by what your saying but just because she wrote it it doesn’t mean that her controlling husband isn’t the one who got the ball rolling to stop contact.
Im no expert but from what I’ve heard/seen controlling people are good at manipulating others into doing the things they want without the victim even realising it.
Im not saying you should agree to still being a trustee but maybe a quick text could clear anything up.

I don't want to be in any kind of contact with her.

Her behaviour towards me was hurtful and unacceptable.

OP posts:
Chippy4me · 01/09/2023 22:01

loooooongstory · 01/09/2023 21:55

I don't want to be in any kind of contact with her.

Her behaviour towards me was hurtful and unacceptable.

Show quote history

I think you’re being a bit childish tbh.

You don’t need to be friendly with her but you do need to find out what’s going on and sort it out.

Original poster
loooooongstory · 01/09/2023 22:04

Chippy4me · 01/09/2023 22:01

I think you’re being a bit childish tbh.

You don’t need to be friendly with her but you do need to find out what’s going on and sort it out.

Show quote history

I'm honestly not sure that she's mentally stable enough to deal with.

The whole thing is just odd.

OP posts:
Original poster
loooooongstory · 01/09/2023 22:05

I will phone legal and general next week to see what can be done about it, though.

Thanks for the advice, all.

OP posts:
PlanningTowns · 01/09/2023 22:42

I’d suggest writing to them. The letter is a standard letter reminding you to keep details up to date, they are probably required to do it via gdpr every so many years.

write to them with any reference and state you are no longer in Contact with the owners of the insurance and would not longer be acting as trustee.

send recorded. Keep a copy and you should get some confirmation I’d assume. They won’t do anything over the phone.

bluejumping · 02/09/2023 07:30

Ok. Get your big girl pants on

Email friend and say you have received this letter and can she please advise if you need to sign anything as part of the removal process

rwalker · 02/09/2023 07:38

This will definitely not go away you need to sort it
I would of thought any changes would have to be authorised/ instigated by the policy holder
i’d scan the letter and email her to deal

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