Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

How often do you visit your boarder?

29 replies

Layinwait · 01/09/2023 06:46

Just that really! Dropped my daughter off at boarding school yesterday. It’s only 40 mins away. She is confident, gung-ho and was very excited to start, waving me off with “I love you mum” and hardly a backward glance as they headed off for a welcome supper and then ice-breaking games (my worst nightmare, her dream evening!).

I know she will be perfectly happy to come back for the exeat weekend and that’s that but she knows that her old mum is desperate to see her before then so she’s said that I could come and visit and we go out for lunch / walk.

I love the idea of popping over to whisk her out for lunch on a weekend. If you do this, how often?

Also - do you attend matches? I don’t really enjoy spectating matches and so would rather not attend them all, but having said that - if the norm is to attend as many as possible, then I’ll endeavour to make as many as i can! Or at least off load to other family members!

Many thanks

OP posts:
Ohyeahwaitaminute · 01/09/2023 06:53

Tbh, let her just settle into school for now. I think most schools discourage too much parental contact in the first few weeks, especially if it’s full boarding.

The school will probably organise fun stuff over the weekends, which she’ll miss out on.

You need to get your head around your new (term-time) life, and let her get on with hers.
It’s tough, but all part of the letting go as a parent.

Sounds like she’s really happy and you’ve done a great job of bringing up a confident girl.

Ohyeahwaitaminute · 01/09/2023 06:55

Matches are often cold and boring but an excellent way of supporting your child and meeting other parents on the edge of the pitch.

Original poster
Layinwait · 01/09/2023 07:30

Huge thanks

but did you pop over on a weekend to take out for lunch? House mistress said commonplace but I wanted to get a feel as to whether mumsnetters did and how often

OP posts:
FrankUnderwoodsWife · 01/09/2023 07:49

Attend every match and take either brownies, cookies, cooked sausages (kept in thermos flask) and bread - if possible enough for the whole of her team.
Your daughter will love your support and the effort you’ve put in, and her team mates girls will be very grateful.
The children are always starving post matches and the school teas are normally awful. Upppingham had the best match tea, and Marlborough isn’t bad either. Most are very basic and unappealing.

Yes it is boring and always cold, but it’s a small way to express your daughter love and show her support. She may tell you it doesn’t matter if you don’t come but it really really does.

My daughter is at a full boarding school and some weeks she just needs to see her parents in a small way.

If we’ve attended a Saturday match we don’t take her out for lunch on a Sunday. If it’s an away game ask games teacher if you can drive her back to school yourself, they always say yes. It’s another way to spend some time with her without it impacting on time with making new friends.

Your daughter may appear blasé but she is being brave because she’s left home and no longer has her support network. She will need you to do it from a distance.

My husband has always written a weekly letter, just something short with words of support, love and encouragement. It’s a small thing and takes 5 minutes, but shows we’re thinking of her and missing her now she isn’t around for us to chat about the day to day stuff.

Last bit of advice, do not make big plans for the first exeat. She will be exhausted and will want to sleep, veg in front of the tv and eat home made food. Boarding school food is still grim 😳

Iliketulips · 01/09/2023 08:48

How old is she? If she seems happy, I certainly wouldn't be rushing to visit her, give her time to settle in.

My DD only boarded for sixth form, totally her choice. We only visited to pick up for exeat weekends, events where she was a major performer (music) and parents evening. Oh, and I went to the annual school run each year - I attended the first one for support as DD hated running, but really enjoyed the afternoon, so went back again next year.

HorsePlatitudes · 01/09/2023 08:50

Your child’s gone to boarding school and your morning about having to go and watch matches? Jesus.

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 01/09/2023 09:08

DBs DDs both at BS and very sporty (that's why they are at BS) SiL goes to every match and DB goes to whatever he can make, but he does go on his own to take them out for lunch/dinner if he has been away on business for a long time. DH and I sometimes go and watch matches too, but we have tinies so less these days and my Mum and Dad go for speech day etc. But the DNs very often say, 'Mum we're busy this weekend because X's parents are taking us out with them' so they don't always come back even when they can. You find your own rhythm. They do appreciate post with games and treats to share though and DH is brilliant at drawing and sends them cards with cartoons and silly jokes.

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 01/09/2023 09:11

@HorsePlatitudes don't be so vile and judgy. @Layinwait has said quite clearly that she will miss and wants to see her DC, just not a big fan of matches. She's not complaining. I adore my DC, but do find an hour of Dr Mcstuffins based chatter/play fucking tedious.

Original poster
Layinwait · 01/09/2023 11:20

FrankUnderwoodsWife · 01/09/2023 07:49

Attend every match and take either brownies, cookies, cooked sausages (kept in thermos flask) and bread - if possible enough for the whole of her team.
Your daughter will love your support and the effort you’ve put in, and her team mates girls will be very grateful.
The children are always starving post matches and the school teas are normally awful. Upppingham had the best match tea, and Marlborough isn’t bad either. Most are very basic and unappealing.

Yes it is boring and always cold, but it’s a small way to express your daughter love and show her support. She may tell you it doesn’t matter if you don’t come but it really really does.

My daughter is at a full boarding school and some weeks she just needs to see her parents in a small way.

If we’ve attended a Saturday match we don’t take her out for lunch on a Sunday. If it’s an away game ask games teacher if you can drive her back to school yourself, they always say yes. It’s another way to spend some time with her without it impacting on time with making new friends.

Your daughter may appear blasé but she is being brave because she’s left home and no longer has her support network. She will need you to do it from a distance.

My husband has always written a weekly letter, just something short with words of support, love and encouragement. It’s a small thing and takes 5 minutes, but shows we’re thinking of her and missing her now she isn’t around for us to chat about the day to day stuff.

Last bit of advice, do not make big plans for the first exeat. She will be exhausted and will want to sleep, veg in front of the tv and eat home made food. Boarding school food is still grim 😳

Attend every match and take either brownies, cookies, cooked sausages (kept in thermos flask) and bread - if possible enough for the whole of her team.

hands up. That is never ever going to happen! 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Layinwait · 01/09/2023 11:21

HorsePlatitudes · 01/09/2023 08:50

Your child’s gone to boarding school and your morning about having to go and watch matches? Jesus.

I very much hope that someone who knee-jerks are rather spiteful comment like that… doesn’t have children full stop tbh

OP posts:
Dillane · 01/09/2023 11:25

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 01/09/2023 09:11

@HorsePlatitudes don't be so vile and judgy. @Layinwait has said quite clearly that she will miss and wants to see her DC, just not a big fan of matches. She's not complaining. I adore my DC, but do find an hour of Dr Mcstuffins based chatter/play fucking tedious.

Get over yourself @PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog hardly ‘vile’ 🙄

Dillane · 01/09/2023 11:27

Layinwait · 01/09/2023 11:21

I very much hope that someone who knee-jerks are rather spiteful comment like that… doesn’t have children full stop tbh

Show quote history

Oh the irony @Layinwait

Original poster
Layinwait · 01/09/2023 11:30

It wasn’t about the matches! I want to visit as much as possible but don’t want to embarrass daughter. I don’t know any parent at the school to ask.

so came on to mumsnet to get an idea of frequency of visits

@HorsePlatitudes took umbrage 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
Layinwait · 01/09/2023 11:32

her old mum is desperate to see her

I love the idea of popping over to whisk her out for lunch on a weekend. If you do this, how often?

I don’t really enjoy spectating matches and so would rather not attend them all, but having said that - if the norm is to attend as many as possible, then I’ll endeavour to make as many as i can! Or at least off load to other family members!

and @HorsePlatitudes bitches at me!

OP posts:
TeenDivided · 01/09/2023 11:34

@Layinwait There is now a dedicated Boarding board under education. You may want to re post / get your thread moved there.

Original poster
Layinwait · 01/09/2023 11:35

Thanks @TeenDivided

tumbleweed though

but just checked phone and a parent group has been set up 🎉

and someone asks about visiting so I can eye up responses!

OP posts:
Gilmorehill · 01/09/2023 11:56

Layinwait · 01/09/2023 11:30

It wasn’t about the matches! I want to visit as much as possible but don’t want to embarrass daughter. I don’t know any parent at the school to ask.

so came on to mumsnet to get an idea of frequency of visits

@HorsePlatitudes took umbrage 🤷‍♀️

It was a perfectly valid question. My dcs go to a boring normal school and I didn't know what to do about sports matches at first as I didn't want to embarrass them. I was able to ask other parents but MN is there for advice. I went to as many as I could. I loved the rugby but found football tedious. It didn't make me a bad parent!

Newnamefor23 · 01/09/2023 12:02

My DW was a boarder from 9-18. (because she was an army child - it was the norm)

She didn't like going home for weekends/half terms as she knew she'd be upset at having to leave to return to school.

It wasn't a bad school, no major incidents. But she would have been dead against us sending ours to such a school. (Not that we ever considered it)

Hard on all parties involved. She put a brave face on going, and returning after holidays, so as not to upset her mum.

Her Mum was unable to get to matches, take her out as my FIL was posted to Germany, USA and the other end of the country.

FrankUnderwoodsWife · 01/09/2023 12:19

@Layinwait Haha no judgement! Just do whats best for your family. And the snacks don’t need to be home made.

Generally every one is in the same boat if she’s starting 3rd Form. The WhatsApp groups can be fab or hellish. You’ll meet your tribe via your daughters and it’s also a benefit of attending matches. It’s always the same parents on the sideline

caringcarer · 01/09/2023 12:26

My DD was a day girl but her best friend was Chinese so we often took her for lunch and she stayed with us over exeats too. Otherwise she would have been stuck in school. She went home over Easter, Xmas and summer but never for half terms although a couple of times one of her older brothers came to see her over half term. Her family reciprocated one year when DD was 14, by inviting my DD to China for a month with her friend and wouldn't let us pay for a thing. She had a wonderful time. She was also given some very expensive jewelry by the Grandmother. They are adults now but still very good friends.

Maplestars · 01/09/2023 12:29

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

FrenchandSaunders · 01/09/2023 12:32

How old is she?

Original poster
Layinwait · 01/09/2023 12:38

caringcarer · 01/09/2023 12:26

My DD was a day girl but her best friend was Chinese so we often took her for lunch and she stayed with us over exeats too. Otherwise she would have been stuck in school. She went home over Easter, Xmas and summer but never for half terms although a couple of times one of her older brothers came to see her over half term. Her family reciprocated one year when DD was 14, by inviting my DD to China for a month with her friend and wouldn't let us pay for a thing. She had a wonderful time. She was also given some very expensive jewelry by the Grandmother. They are adults now but still very good friends.

That’s wonderful!

OP posts:
Original poster
Layinwait · 01/09/2023 12:39

She’s 14

OP posts:
PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 01/09/2023 18:02

Get over yourself @Dillane You sound vile as well.