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Original poster

If you are NC with parents do your kids see them?

25 replies

noncontact · 31/08/2023 12:49

Name-changed but been here forever just don't want to be identified.

For years now I have had a strained relationship with my parents. I can never do right. They rarely want to spend time with us, If we ask them out for a meal, round for dinner etc they never want to, fine their choice, I've always taken DS to see them and they have helped out with childcare on the occasion while I worked and once a year they would have him over night so DP and I could go out. All of which I'm grateful for.

Over the last 2 years or so things got worse, as I say nothing I do is right, I still tried to forge a relationship but it was draining. Things came to a head in March and after my mum screaming at me down the phone every day for a week I decided enough was enough, I stopped visiting and calling. I'm not going to go into detail about what the argument was, but safe to say I haven't done anything terrible.

Since then they have seen DS 3 times. He's 12. We live in the same tiny village. My mum texts him every few weeks asking how he is, that she misses him, asking if he's seen his other grandparents, has he fallen out with her, doesn't he love her... etc etc. I tell him to reply as he wants, which is always no I haven't fallen out with you and so on. I want them to have a relationship. Of the times he's seen them once was planned months ago when they offered to have him before the latest fall out, the other two she asked him to go and see her. Both these times were coincidentally when I'd mentioned to my sister in passing it's sad that they aren't seeing him.

I guess my question is who should be sorting out him spending time with them? When she messages him she never says 'why don't you come on x day?' Or 'Would you like to come see us?' It's just that she misses him and such.
Is it that DS is old enough now to say 'can I come see you?' I've asked him why he doesn't and he says he doesn't want to as all she does is 'goes on about how she misses me but hardly ever wants to see me'

Or is it that we just accept that she's not bothered about seeing him? It does make me sad to think that.

To add sister has a toddler. My parents have him a few times a week. The times they've asked to see DS DN has been there too.

What do others do in this situation?

OP posts:

Jackydaytona · 31/08/2023 13:08

Why do you want to expose your son to this abusive batshittery?

VeloVixen · 31/08/2023 13:11

I was NC with my mum for years until her death. Went nc when Dd was about 12 yo. Partly to protect Dd from the emotional abuse I’d been subjected to for decades. So no, Dd never saw her again and never seemed upset by this. My mum lived about 10 miles away but would have been a car journey.

does your ds want to see them?

WunWun · 31/08/2023 13:15

Yeah, I don't have a clue why you would want them to have a relationship? She sounds like an awful, negative person. Why is that someone you want your child around? I don't understand where you're coming from at all.

Interested in this thread?

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Families

BananaSlug · 31/08/2023 13:16

Inkpotlover · 31/08/2023 13:19

Why on earth are you wanting to facilitate a relationship between your son and these people who treat you abysmally? Can’t you see from your mother’s messages that the same manipulation is already starting with him? Do not force him to respond to her emotional blackmail and let him decide if he wants to see them.

Gatehouse77 · 31/08/2023 13:36

I was NC from my father for 15 years but told him whilst I'd never stand in the way of him building a relationship with his grandchildren it was on him to foster it.
My sister facilitated this for many years by taking them to him (she was under the illusion it would change him and she was still craving his approval) and when that stopped most of their contact did too. We see him maybe 2-3 times a year but only ever instigated by me and I can't be arsed to do more than that.

Escapingafter50years · 31/08/2023 13:42

I bitterly regret all the years I spent bringing my children 2 - 3 hours to see my disinterested parents. But having grown up in their toxic environment I wasn’t able to see how dysfunctional it was. It truly breaks my heart thinking how much more pleasant our lives would have been if I had cut them off, in particular my narc "mother".

All the effort was in vain anyway, they're adults now & had a minimal relationship with her, which stopped when she told me if I was a proper mother she would have a better relationship with her grandchildren.

These bitches take no responsibility for their behaviour. They are "victims", everything is somebody else's fault.

I would highly recommend you explain to your child, in an age appropriate way, that your mother is not able to be kind to you so you have to protect yourself. Allow him to look at her behaviour towards him, and see does he see the guilt tripping. Also let him know he doesn't have to be in a relationship with someone who treats him poorly - that's a lesson which will benefit him all his life.

I would also think hard about your relationship with your sister, she is sharing information about you that your mother is using as a weapon.

Have a look at the Stately Homes thread here, sadly there are a lot of us with abusive parents, but there is great validation and support.

robynas · 31/08/2023 13:42

No. If a parent is so abusive/neglectful/disinterested that you've had to go to the extreme of no contact with them then I can't imagine the logic behind letting them see grandchildren.

Bookchildtable · 31/08/2023 13:43

My dc saw my parent once a week until I went nc after his awful behaviour (as did the rest of my family). I asked all my teenage dc if they wanted a relationship and they said no. I have told them they are free to have a relationship. I am quite relieved after 45 years of verbal abuse but I'm disappointed in grandparent that puts others before his grandchildren. They seem fine about their decisions and occasionally mention him if we're talking about when they were little but apart from that they just getting on with life. At 12 I'd leave your dc to make arrangements but reassure him you understand either way and there's no right or wrong thing to do (it's a personal, individual decision).

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 31/08/2023 13:44

Been nc with both dps for best part of 20 years. They don't see my dc. Even the adult ones who could arrange themselves. You offer up a dc to an abuser op? That ain't great imo.

Original poster

noncontact · 31/08/2023 13:46

Thanks all. I really needed these comments.

Struggling to reply individually

He's not really bothered about seeing them.

Yes I do see the manipulation in her messages, I didn't want to say it in my post as I wondered if I was reading too much into it (I guess that's what years of manipulation does)

I think I need to talk to him properly.

Will go find the stately homes thing thank you.

OP posts:

Original poster

noncontact · 31/08/2023 13:49

@Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday that comment really hit home. You are right it is abusive. I've been conditioned to think it's me, I'm the bad one and I question myself constantly.

OP posts:

Step5678 · 31/08/2023 13:51

I think this puts your son in a very difficult position as he is exposed to the emotional blackmail. "don't you love me?" is not the kind of message an emotionally respectful adult would send to a 12 year old. He shouldn't have to find responses for these sorts of questions.

You have clearly decided their behaviour is not good for you, so why expose him to it? I would ask your mother to stop contacting him, and you can arrange visits IF he wants to (but it sounds like he doesn't)

SunRainStorm · 31/08/2023 13:54

Such manipulative messages.

We're NC with PIL. We don't allow them to see the children.

If their behaviour is too toxic and harmful for an adult to manage it, how can we expect a child to navigate it unscathed?

Protect your child. Your mother has made her bed.

lecklaw · 31/08/2023 13:57

I went NC with my parents last year. My dc don't see them, they are 5 and 1 so wouldn't be able to facilitate contact without an adult. It's far simpler to cut all contact entirely.

Original poster

noncontact · 31/08/2023 13:59

I'm getting a bit emotional reading these posts. You're all making sense and validating that I'm not some evil daughter as she's painting to those who listen.

I have no doubt she will tell people I've stopped contact with him. Its nobody's business though.

This isn't about my relationship with her, that's a whole other thread but her behaviour is wrong and I see that

OP posts:

Fluffygoon · 31/08/2023 14:15

We’ve had this with MIL. Never made an effort with us but continually had Sil round and provided childcare and rubbed our noses in it - really vindictive.

Once our kids became teens on Facebook etc it became hard to control messaging but we stopped going round. Teens become too busy with their friends to make an effort and I guarantee your DC will see she’s not nice.

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 31/08/2023 14:42

My dm told her new job and friends she had no dc. Suited me... She sent me a Woe Is Me letter. Then a rather nasty one. Didn't read longer that the initial sentence..

Original poster

noncontact · 31/08/2023 15:51

Sorry that others have been through this.

OP posts:

Beezknees · 31/08/2023 16:01

Longtime NC with my dad and he's never even met my DS. I have been NC since before DS was born though so it's different. My dad is a criminal who repeatedly reoffends and would be a terrible influence on DS. Also he's not really interested in fatherhood anyway and hasn't attempted to contact me in the past 20 years 😂 if he ever came knocking I wouldn't answer.

BackToOklahoma · 31/08/2023 16:13

No. I removed my parents from our lives for good reason, there’s no way I was giving them access to my children once I was finally free of them.

Our kids are now teens and not in the slightest bit interested in them. They know the full background and believe we made the right choice not to see them. If my parents contacted them, they would change their number. The put cards and gifts from them, in the bin. No contact means no contact, anything else keeps communication open which we’re not interested in. Life is much better without them.

AndWordsWhen · 08/12/2023 21:21

NC with my dad for over 15 years. I went NC to drop the toxic shite passing down a generation. If their behaviour is so bad you need to go NC, you need to protect your kids from it too.

Glittertwins · 09/12/2023 09:30

No, the PIL made that choice. They haven't bothered to contact the DC whatsoever.

DrunkenKoala · 09/12/2023 10:23

I’m NC with my mum as she felt her wants should trump DC’s needs (including repeatedly leaving boiling hot cups of tea where toddler DS could reach up and pull them on himself and ignoring DP and I when he did nearly pull her mug over himself).
She plays the victim making out she misses the kids but no she can fuck off my kids aren’t being exposed to that.

LittleGreenFroggie · 09/12/2023 11:04

My DC went NC with my mother before I did! They were 13 and 15 at the time and clearly had more sense than me. I went NC a couple of months after them. I have a younger DC who doesn't even remember my mother.

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