11yr old DS doesn't want to grow up, help needed.

[Itsasunshineyday]

Posting here for traffic.

My 11 DS has started secondary school this week and is having a really hard time adjusting to his new environment especially lunchtimes in the busy canteen area.
Twice this week he has mentioned to me "I feel like I'm growing up and I don't like it, on top of everything else Mum". He is proper fed up and quite depressed. I can offer him advice about the new school, lessons, lunchtime chaos etc. But I'm struggling to find the right words and advice to give him about not wanting to grow up. Any help and advice greatly appreciated.

I would just validate his feelings. It’s fine to be scared of growing up, growing up is scary but it’s also exciting. Lots of children will find the first few weeks difficult because it’s so different to what they have known before.

remind him over time things will feel normal, it’s just getting used to the new routines. If he is really struggling then drop and email to his form tutor so they can keep an eye on things.

Agree with Sirzy. Also would it be possible to do some of his favourite activities at the weekend to give him a break from it all. He can still be a kid at home even if he has to act more grown up at school. For my daughter this might be something like a waterpark or the zoo but I realise these are quite pricey, there might be more home based things he enjoys that you could make a big deal of. With Halloween and Christmas coming he might get the childhood spirit back again.

He’s only 11 - he’s got a lot of growing up to do before he’s grown up. He’s probably had a huge culture shock going to senior school and is finding the process intimidating.

I remember going from a little village primary to a huge secondary, mixing with a lot of kids from the biggest social housing estate in Europe and I’d led such a sheltered life. Kids were talking about drugs, wanking, domestic violence at home, wild childhoods, like it was the most normal thing in the world. Some boys a couple of years above even had beards, which I thought were so grown up - I had no real perception of puberty then.

I was relieved to be able to go home and carry on playing with my Lego, doing craft, and going to Guides. Just tell him that everyone has to grow up, but it’s absolutely fine to do it at your own pace.

Transition from primary to secondary is huge and his nerves and feelings are completely understandable. Throw hormones into the mix and it's a tough time for that age but the fact he will discuss it with you is a good thing. He will adjust in time.

You can't fix this like you can a grazed knee. But you can listen and acknowledge his feelings, which is what he needs.

I remember feeling like that, wondering how I'd cope being an adult but sometimes I struggle with change.

I think all children feel like that at some point. It's okay for him to be scared and overwhelmed - it's normal.

It was very noticeable that following lockdown, when the children were in year group bubbles the year 7s stayed playing playground games much longer, normally when in the mixed space they cotton on pretty quickly that the other year groups don't do that anymore and stop a couple of weeks in, it was nice to see them still being 'young' and playing.

Find out what specific things he is concerned about. Then focus on the thi gs he can do now or soon that he is growing up.

School canteens can be horrendous, even when everyone is behaving themselves it's a lot of students in a small and noisy space. Send your DS in with packed lunch so he doesn't have to queue with the older children, there is a significant height difference between 11 year old and 16 year old boys and it's intimidating to stand in the queue with them towering above you.

Weirdly, in a long career, I'd never had a yr7 form group until a few years ago. I've also seen my dc run the gauntlet of high school too, so I totally get where he's coming from. I also remember turning up at the bus stop, all pristine, with me knee high socks and being ridiculed for wearing 'virgin socks'. At 11. Ffs.

I actually think it's cruel what we do to 11 yr olds. They are so keen and sweet and young in September but by October half term have started to harden, whether they want to or not. I don't think they should be in school with 16yr olds and think the middle school model would be much better (although I wouldn't want to teach in one!).

The quiet kids in our school tend to seek refuge in the library, where they can find kindred spirits and do craft/ games etc.

Always validate their feelings. Give him personal stories of yours even if they are made up or embellished to say you remember feeling the same way. Don't forget that they usually look at us and think we have our shit together when a lot of the time we don't, we are flying by the seat of our pants. He needs to know adults feel that way, especially his parents. That we worry, we get scared, we also don't want to keep growing up/old. The same goes for how we feel about doing things we don't like but know we have to like washing our hair, making meals day in day out.

Let him do whatever he wants this weekend, ask him what you can do to make it easier for him coming home, sometimes a big hug is all they need. And remember that he is at a school now with adult sized year 10s and 11s, year 7s will feel tiny.

Yes to those saying forst of all, hear him and acknowledge his feeling without necessarily trying to fix. Don't dismiss them by saying 'its not that bad', tell him everyone finds it hard but he has the resources to get through it.

Can he remember starting primary? Moving house? Starting a club that he now really enjoys? Obviously secondary is bigger - probably the biggest change till he leaves home (though he probably won't appreciate being reminded that he will one day be leaving home just at the moment!). But it isn't the first big transition in his life.

Can you remember starting secondary? Have you (or his dad/uncle/aunt etc) any (not scary!) anecdotes to show you hear him and sympathise, and he is definitely not alone and you do get used to it.

I was so anxious on the bus on my first day I was sick in my mouth and spat it out in the gutter when we got off the bus. An older girl said "well done" so it felt like a badge of success! Do you have similar?

Growing up is tough at times - for everyone - but perhaps it would help him to hear your confidence that has the ability to get through it.

Starting secondary school is massive! He will soon make friends and feel better (he will want to be 18 and not 15 before long!)
Hopefully he has a kind form tutor.

It was very noticeable that following lockdown, when the children were in year group bubbles the year 7s stayed playing playground games much longer, normally when in the mixed space they cotton on pretty quickly that the other year groups don't do that anymore and stop a couple of weeks in, it was nice to see them still being 'young' and playing.

ds school is lucky to have enough space they have kept a separate outdoor area for year 7 and 8 because they noticed the difference that made for pupils.

@TheMoth I once worked with a Canadian Middle school teacher and it sounded like a much better system than what we have here. I'd have loved to have taught those year groups too. They are at such a funny and interesting stage and developing their personalities.

I think all transitions are scary. My DD is nervous of starting college, so you can remind him that you felt the same starting secondary and that the older kids did/do too.
It is scary and as others have said suddenly it all seems very teenagery!
I remember the presdure to "go out" with someone and snog them and so on. I just wasn't ready for all that.
Just tell him that by half term he will feel a little more at ease with the hustle and bustle and keep talking to him.

Validate his feelings but put a positive slant on growing up. It's very normal (I'm a secondary teacher) as it's so very different from the first day to primary. "Just think of all the exciting things you'll learn, and the trips and the extra clubs etc you'll be able to do"

I've also taught in areas where Middle School still exists from 11-14. There's a reason why they were largely, if not totally abolished. It's still a massive move but they have to do it twice. Secondary teachers whinge that middle teachers haven't prepared the kids well enough academically for secondary, and middle teachers largely spend their time trying to get jobs in secondary!

Hi op
I think you’re winning here as he’s told you how he feels. I struggled with the transition to secondary school. I felt I needed to be a “big boy” or a “grown up”and said nothing and just tried to get though it. Hopefully these new tweens are more in touch with their emotions and if you keep doing what you’re both doing I am sure you’ll be fine it’s not an easy time.

Are there some clubs like comic books, or even language ones, which might be a bit quieter at lunchtime. Getting to know people in a smaller group might help.

Thank you everyone, fantastic advice and I'll follow all of it. Lots of kind words too.

DS is worn out already, cried himself to sleep and a full week of lessons and getting lost. He's exhausted. I have emailed his head of year and she said that he was doing fantastically well this week, but he's too polite or nervous to say anything to his teachers.

Oh bless him.

It is hard for them. Especially because at 11, some are more definitely "teenagery" while some are still very definitely "children".

Hopefully he'll soon find his feet.

Agree with pp too. It's good that he tells you. Sign of a fabulous relationship ❤️

Ah, sweet boy, this is very common, I think. The first weeks of secondary school are tough.

Agree with everyone else about acknowledging his feelings and not minimising. One of the hardest things in those first weeks is the fact you don't know the routine or how to find your way around- maybe have a chat about how this part will get better quite quickly so this time next term it will be second nature- try to find a way to talk about it that also acknowledges how he feels now though rather than just focusing on how it will get better.

Maybe do some things in the evenings and at weekends that he finds comforting and that show he doesn't have to rush to grow up- any favourite old films you could watch together (even ones which you might think are too young for him- sell it as nostalgia), favourite meals, places you've been over the years.

Yup, I think as others have said, it's quite common. And it is exhausting too, which makes all the emotions bigger. I think you're doing well in that he can talk to you about it.

Practical level - abandon the canteen if you can and send him with a packed lunch. DS doesn't mind the canteen but he can't stand eating in there so only gets food like sandwiches or pasta pots he can take outside.

Our school is pretty good about starting clubs during bveaktime and after school pretty quickly - so about week 2 of the new year. This was great for DS because it's done by age group so they get to hang out and "play" with children their own age instead of being intimidated by the big kids (and yes,I think some of the bigger kids do intentionally give the newbies a bit of a hard time in the corridors etc). A friend's DD found it really good too as she struggled in her form group but made a few friends by joining an art group and a football club.

My dd was like that. For quite a few years she lamented that she was getting older and would comment that being aged 6-9 was "the best age, the most fun". Support him and listen to him and he'll get used to the idea x

It's such a hard transition for some and rightfully so.
Can he have new jobs that are because he is 12 he can be trusted to do certain things

1. walk to a shop on his own for sweets if there is one close buy
2. choose an alarm clock and be can use it to help wake him up (you can still wake him up but might make him feel powerful)
3. can he start getting pocket money or if he already does get an extra £1 because he's 11 now
4. can his bed time be pushed back 15 mins because he's 11 and doing so well (you know what to say)

Do they have clubs he can go to at lunchtime?