How to accept the relationship with PIL I have (not the one I want)

[ThirstyMeeples]

We used to be close to MIL (less so FIL) but this has declined over the years. I really like her she has normal human flaws like anyone but she's interesting and pragmatic and I enjoyed seeing her. Over the years she has visited us less and less. Partly as FIL is not very sociable but she sees more now of BILs and their families who live closer to her. We're 3hrs away. I have spent so long feeling sad and rejected by them. They do so much for my BILs and I feel left out. DH doesn't care - he's a very in the moment kind of person and accepts things as they are.
I don't know why it's taken me so long but I've realised the relationship won't change and won't go back to how it was.
So... How do I accept the relationship we now have (see each other twice a year, always a good visit but no desire to repeat it on their part) and not the one I hoped for? I think I need to get over any resentment or rejection I feel. I know this is only minor and people have far bigger family issues but it niggles me and has made me sad at times.
They always visit the other grandkids on their birthdays, arrange family lunches, plan weekends etc. But our kids don't get a look in now - MIL will ask about them but they're not involved in their lives in any meaningful way.
If it's relevant, they're very fit and active. No health or financial issues.
Thanks.

I'm sorry to say that this is very common when you move so far away.
It's not that they prefer the other dgc or spending time with bil, it's more a case of logistics, seeing you and your family always involves an overnight stay and all the faff that goes with it plus 2 fairly long drives, whereas seeing bil will be a day trip so easier and less stressful especially if fil doesn't like to travel/socialise much.
I wouldn't take it personally especially if there's been no fall out between you.

I'd second PP, it will be the distance. They spend more time with other GDC because they are physically closer.

Its tough and sad. I'm sorry

Thanks. I need to keep repeating this message to myself.
I think I get to a point of acceptance and then something happens which I feel excluded from and I'm back to square one.
I guess I enjoy their company and family is important to me and we have a good time when we're together so I can't understand why they don't want to replicate that more often. I like relationships with emotional intimacy and so I struggle with the 'arm's length' approach.
I would definitely travel to them more but we both work FT and kids are busy so it's tricky for us.

thats a six hour round trip! I completely understand your sadness and the practical difficulties from your end but it’s six hours. You made the choice to move (I’m guessing) but you’re expecting them to ameliorate the consequences of that. When you speak of their reluctance to visit more frequently but recognise you have practical difficulties getting there more often, what you’re actually saying is your time/comfort is more precious than theirs.

NC for this in case it is outing!

I think the distance is a red herring.

We are 3hrs from PIL, who are in 80s but still mobile. SIL is 4.5hrs from them and they visit her more, sometimes to stay, sometimes doing 2/3hr round trips from a holiday base. We have always had a good relationship, including our adult kids, who visit them alone as well as with us.

Last year they cancelled on us at short notice and on a holiday, yet were reluctant to re arrange, but saw SIL multiple times, including celebrating birthdays and Christmas with her family.

That in particular upset me, especially as we had all (including kids who took annual leave) helped them move the year before. DH niece and nephew were nowhere to be seen at that time!!

Sometimes one child is just preferred, regardless of the distance. DH is like Ops DH, more pragmatic and less upset.

The turning point for me came earlier this year, when MIL had a hissy fit at me in a restaurant for something that was very much DH’s fault (he and kids all agreed!) and carried it on in the car park.

DH excused his mum saying she is getting old, I have massively stepped away and left DH to make arrangements with them.

I think it's because they did used to visit us before the BILs had kids. So it's very clear there's been a change. I also know they are quite adventurous and travel far afield for holidays /seeing friends. But I'm trying not to focus on this as it gets me nowhere and I end up feeling hurt.
Sorry you've experienced similar Bertiesshoes23 It's hurtful isn't it?
I need to be happy with the relationship we have now rather than one I would like. I just don't quite know how to yet 😊
DH moved away after university so, as a couple, we've always lived far away from them.