Is she selective mute?

[ShesJustAShyGirl]

Posting here mainly for traffic and because I don’t actually know where to post.
Very long, I’m sorry. I just need to try and get everything out.

My DD is 16. About to start college.

She has always been a quiet girl, an observer. She always had older siblings to take charge and do anything she wanted them to do. (Close in age, I had 3 under 4)

At school she was pretty academic, not a social butterfly though. Passed her SATs comfortably, won the maths championship in the area and placed second in the spelling bee. Competitions were held at her school, with around 10 other schools taking part. (This was year 5/6). She had to stand at the front of the hall for the finals which she said was a bit scary but she aced it.

High school… placed in top sets, very small friendship group.

Covid hit during year 8, so 8 and 9 were mainly at home. Expected to do well in GCSEs. Based on work completed she was predicted 9-7 across all her subjects.

Year 10, around March, all of a sudden didn’t want to go to school. She took an overdose. We will don’t know why, but from then on she was on reduced timetable to reintegrate her back in. March to July was very tough in terms of her being in school. A battle every day. School agreed she could work in the Learner Support Base, and access work via teams. This wasn’t successful as many staff didn’t get around to uploading work so she was falling behind. Mocks showed she would possibly just scrape passes in her subjects, causing more anxiety. It was agreed she could drop 3, to focus on her others. She passed with 6s and 7s last week so a good outcome.

Socially, small groups. Known as the shy, quiet one. By the time she got to about 10, she seemed to talk to others less and less. She was performing well in school, conversing with some teachers, we put it down to personality. Only really spoke to me, dad and dads mum. My mum is profoundly deaf so she will communicate with her, just not with speech.

She stopped talking to other family members, my closest friend who has known her from day one, my husband who has been in her life since she was young. Dad had often pulled her for talking to DH anyway, and would give snide comments about her new daddy. She is very much involved with her dad so this was unnecessary.

During COVID, contact with teachers was via email. I received emails praising her effort and attitude. She would never speak on teams. On returning to school she stopped speaking to teachers, except 3. This then became 2 by the end of year 11. This meant that a lot of her work for gcse was self taught using revision guides and YouTube.

She struggles with anxiety and was put on medication which she tried for 2 months and decided she didn’t want to continue as she didn’t feel different.

At college enrolment she became very upset, the first time I have seen her cry publicly since her overdose. We were speaking with a member of staff about strategies to help her feel comfortable and ways in which they could help, and he referred to as being selective mute, on about 4 occasions. He said they had received a lot on information about her from school so they had a good understanding about her and wanted to reassure her.

There have been times when her not talking has caused issues, she was refused her COVID injection as she wouldn’t give her name and date of birth to the woman doing them.

It’s almost like she freezes, she stares blankly and will look at me to help.

I feel like I have failed her, I thought she was just a shy girl.

It sounds to me (though I have no relevant qualifications) like a stress response, not unlike the tendency that very bright, high-achieving girls have to become anorexic in response to stress - perhaps she's controlling what she feels able to control in a situation where she feels uncertain. Given her overdose, I'd be taking things at her pace if you possibly can and presuming this is a symptom of her poor mental health rather than shyness or introversion.

You know how smart she is, you know how hard-working she is, so if you can help her to get back to good mental health, she's bound to succeed. Is there any way that you can help her to take some time out to reset rather than progressing straight to college?

She has actively said she doesn’t want to go to college. She scared. Of what, she doesn’t know.

I don’t know how she can’t go though as it’s compulsory for her to stay in education until she’s 18.

We have managed to get an appointment with camhs this week to have a quick chat with me and restart her medication, which she has said she will try. I’ve always let her decide whether she wants to take it or not. (Not so she misses days here and there)

She will have an appointment with her usual contact at camhs mid sept. In 18 months, and god knows how many appointments, she has only spoken to her twice. It is nice that she is building up a relationship to speak to her and makes me feel like we are getting somewhere.

My dd and ds have situational mutism (I prefer that description as selective implies it's a choice) Dd still has input from a speech therapist fortnightly and we have seen lots of progress although not certain that either will ever find it easy to speak freely in all situations.
As for education dd has an EOTAS programme in place as there is no way she could cope with college so she has tutors, TA's, mentors and PA's and therapists work with her at home. To secure this you would need to apply for an EHC needs assessment something that the school should have discussed with you when your dd was struggling so badly in school.

You could home school for a year or so, to give her the time to improve her mental health. She is old enough to be in charge of her learning and could do lots of online courses etc. what are her interests career wise or subject wise?

Nothing mentioned in school about EHC. I have to chase up a form 8? Something to do with her having extra time in her exams. She was given the time but she didn’t do any assessments for it that I am aware of.

I’ll have a look at EOTAS.

Oh bless her. It sounds like she could be. Look at the SMIRA website and Facebook page and if she's willing you could see if you can get it officially diagnosed. Unfortunately no one deals with it where we are so we had to get an independent speech and language therapist to assess which was done via talking to us, school, observation and getting my child to fill in some questionnaires/assessments.

Thank you, I’ll have a look.

I wish I would have asked the support worker at college if he was told that she was, it just came as a shock.

It sounds like it to me. It’s good that they are already aware and will hopefully be able to handle it appropriately for her. As someone else suggested the Smira website or lookup confident children on Facebook.

Sorry you are going through this. From your post I couldn't see if she is actively having therapy? If not / if cahms is too slow can you pay for it privately? I think it's vital. They can offer zooms or face to face.

I have a relative in this position but a few years down the line from your DD. She dropped out of college at 17 and has not left the home now for years and years. At the time no-one sought therapy and she was able to stay at home as she felt comfortable and was too scared to see anyone else - like your DD she couldn't express what she was scared of. Her mum tried to support her but didn't have the knowledge or capacity to get her back into college or work and so she ended up retreating into being at home all the time 24/7. A decade later it is now a case of her needing supported housing or care as her parent is soon going to be too ill to look after her.

I say this not to scare you but to encourage you to keep asking for help and to make sure she's having therapy. Small steps are what is needed I think as in my family member's experience, she was enabled to stop trying to attend college and then never went back and never engaged again. I hope you get the support you need.

My DD has situational mutism. I contacted the SMIRA website and they said a formal diagnosis isn't always necessary if the educational establishment is putting things into place anyway. I do wonder about whether it would be useful when moving into employment though.

My dd is like this. She’s also ASD. It’s very hard. She dropped out of school this year in y12. Partly because some teacher bullied her about speaking.

Applied for an EHCP but got refusal to assess. She presents very similar to your Dd.

This terrifies me. But how can you push them? My dd self harmed when pushed.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow I know it's terrifying. All I can say from my observations was that at the point where she was still doing stuff, still leaving the house and still willing to do small things, that was when this needed to continue and tiny steps taken further, and therapist sought. Instead she was allowed to stay indoors in her room (understandably - it was an effort to comfort her) but then her capacity for challenging herself got smaller and smaller, and soon she stopped even leaving her room.

I don't know if that makes sense but I feel like looking back there was a moment where it could have gone ok and then a moment when it spiralled out of control and we needed external help / therapy prior to that happening.

She sounds absolutely ND to me. Identical to my dd

Like PPs, my daughter’s situational mutism is connected to her autism, although neither were at all obvious until Yr 7 and half way through the year when friendships failed. The lockdowns greatly exacerbated the SE. We have an EHCP, excellent CAMHS input and full PiP, mainly due to the communication issues with the outside world. However, she has always been able to communicate with the professionals involved in her care and with her tutors during Yr 11 when she did not attend mainstream school so long as they understand that she is not likely to talk during the first few sessions. It’s the same with extended family, some of whom live abroad - she will often be able to speak a little the third or fourth time she sees them. With people like hairdressers etc, she is able to talk a little but it has taken years to build this up.

I'm very sad, as a teacher, to hear that there has been a lack understanding towards some of the DCs who display this condition. It is rare, especially at secondary - I’ve only taught two students with it in my career and neither had been diagnosed, although one was autistic and the other had evident traits. It’s not something that most teachers have heard of, had any training about or know how to respond to. My suggestion with school is to email staff each year - via the SENDCO, if necessary and clarify what can and can’t be achieved before there’s an upsetting incident in a lesson. For example, using mini - whiteboards, writing down or using screens for questions in lessons or sometimes being able to speak on the way out of the classroom when other students have left. Like others, we refer to it as situational, not elective or selective mutism - it’s not a choice but a response to extreme anxiety, and in my DD’s case, part of a complex prevention of autism.