Do you end friendships? AIBU?

[feelinglonelytoday]

I’m in my 40s and know well that adult friends are so much harder to make. But I also find that some friendships are a bit of an energy drain, and I’m no longer getting much out of them. I recognise this may be temporary (seasons of life and all that) but sometimes it’s also a bit hurtful.

example: I’m a nurse and mum. During the pandemic I had two ITU redeployments, my baby had just turned 1 in March 2020. One of my best friends from our uni days who I had kept on close contact with had a quite difficult time with it, she was always panicking and ringing or texting me. (She is single, no DC). I admit I wasn’t there for her as I might have been under other circumstances, but I was also in full PPE 14+ hours daily, phone sealed in a bag, coming home to change and shower and breastfeed, before going back out again the next day. Queuing with other HCWs before the shops opened for food, etc. It was a lot for me, too, but I didn’t lean on this friend during that time.

We spoke about a year ago and she said she was disappointed I wasn’t more available for her during the pandemic. I apologised but explained I also had a lot on, and didn’t know how to help her. (We still had nearly daily texts/WhatsApp and fortnightly video calls). She didn’t apologise for leaning on me so much, which I felt a bit hurt by. For the past eight months or so she’ll text to see how I am, I reply I’m well and ask how she is and she doesn’t reply. I say let me know if you want to have a chat and she doesn’t reply. But a week or two later, another “hi love, how are you?” message comes along. I’m honestly sort of irritated by it. Would you say something to her? Leave it and let this chapter write itself? Something else? AIBU to feel a bit cross with her? My heart says to hang on to old friendships but my mind tells me that sometimes they run their course. I’d be happier if she didn’t initiate contact at all almost, and I could consider it “ghosting.”

What did she expect from you during the pandemic? Its such a needy thing for her to actually say!

And yanbu to be cross With her!

Totally understand- I have a couple of friends who initiate a chat, I respond with and then they don’t reply for months then start the cycle. Drives me mad and I think I’m now done. The friendship has run its course and on balance it’s not worth putting any effort in. I’m the same wish they wouldn’t message as I can’t bring myself to ignore it as it feels too rude despite them doing the same to me. It’s also bit bizarre your friend didn’t recognise or consider the pressure on you which would’ve been immense being ITU nurse during the pandemic with a very small child

Thank you, yes, I also thought it was odd. The pressure was insane. I suppose DH and I are always (seemingly) quite stable so others often lean on us. But the pandemic was a bloody nightmare! I really didn’t have the time or energy to be a therapist or support for her, I am glad to hear people here agree. I do struggle with the idea that I should be there always for everyone but I need to let that go.

@Lifesapurpledream so how do you manage? You’re right, it feels rude to not respond, I’ll let it go a couple of days (because I’m actually feeling a bit cross) and considering whether now is the time I’ll end communication, but then the guilt gets the better of me.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. I cannot believe she did think what you were going through, but people are strange, and very self focused sometimes. I would let it drift completely into NC rather than making a stand, but write it off in your head. If she does get in touch when she eventually feels like it, then an upbeat non-committal response at your leisure, or no response will serve the purpose. Everybody needs somebody sometimes, and we have to be kind BUT she sounds like a complete drain on your energy and I would not think about it for a moment more. Hope you don't worry about it any more xx

I would mention the not replying to your messages before writing it off, personally. Maybe something like

"Hey, I'm good thanks. Hope you are too? I've noticed that whenever I respond to your messages you don't respond back to mine. Is everything okay?"

Then if she didn't respond to that I'd probably not respond next time she messages

If you are thinking of letting go of the friendship then why not tell her your view of her behaviour. What have you got to lose? I “ghosted” a fiend for several years ( before it was called that) because her behaviour on a holiday together was ridiculous. It was several years later that I got in touch and we had a conversation about it. I wish I had been honest at the time because we both missed big events like our weddings. Better to just say “ Look Jane, I’m pissed off that you didn’t stop for one second to think about my situation” or something similar and if she flounces she flounces.

Yanbu x

As I've got older I feel more confident in pulling back from friendships that don't work for me.
I like being friends a certain way, and have 3 close friends who I click with and a larger group of friend acquaintances, who I socialise with but aren't close friends.

So yes, I have " ended" friendships. I still wish them well, and happily chat if we bump into each other but I won't "do friendship" in a way that doesn't suit me anymore, I can't see the point.

I would reply “Honestly, I’m really resentful that you put so much pressure on me at a time when everyone knew how hard nurses were working at the time. Throw in a one year old child, the exhaustion of working more than full-time hours, sometimes not getting a break while wearing full PPE, and you were extremely lucky that I took the time to give you attention EVERY SINGLE DAY. I had people dying on me. When were you there for me?”

Couldn't phone a friend this week and thought she'd blocked me. Turned out phone problems.

But I would have cried and mourned a bit if she'd wanted to end the friendship.

Completely different scenario @Tonight1

When I feel friendships have run their course, I don't initiate contact. I would respond to her message , but not immediately but no more than that.

Your friend sounds like she may be messaging because she feels obliged. Her demands on you during Covid were unreasonable given the terrible time you must have endured. But she must have had a difficult time herself for her to raise it with you. Covid messed lots of relationships up.

Everyone ends friendships in one way or another, as the saying for a reason or season is so true. I am like @piercedears in terms of friendships. I have a few close friends (2) and then a larger group of close acquaintances who I socialise with.

It sounds like the friendship has run its course. Easier all round to not respond anymore. She sounds a CF anyway.

Like @piercedears I 'do' friendship in a certain way..I have a smaller group than most people. But I feel the close friends I have are genuine. Everyone else in my head is an acquaintance, it helps me expect less of those relationships , and I give less which means less stress. I,'be spent too much time worrying why someone had done something or another. The fact is , people can be odd and you can't be compatible with everyone.

This!!!!

I'm ruthless about friendships. If they don't bring me joy (in the joy:shit ratio) I ditch them. Life is way too short to put up with 'friends' who make you feel unhappy/guilty/insecure etc etc.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Perhaps it’s not fair to paint my friend this way, we’ve been friends for twenty years! She wasn’t always this way which is why I suppose it stings now. She was there for me during breakups, my mum’s illness, an even crocheted darling cardis, blankets, etc for my DC when they were tiny. that’s sort of thing.

it’s just this past year or so when communication has really dropped off and I don’t understand why. (Except the conversation referenced above is the only thing I can pinpoint as a turning point). She did have some counseling so perhaps she was directed to keep more to herself (which is good and healthy but if this is the state of our friendship now that means I was just her counselor all along?)

I know a few people that worked in ITU during the pandemic, including my husband, so know what you went through. The insensitivity of her complaining about the amount of time you had for her is crazy, I can only describe it that my husband was going off to war each day. It felt that bad. To have a 1yo on top of that must’ve been horrendous. I don’t know how you did it but massive respect to you.

Maybe raise it with your friend? Say you’re aware of her thoughts but that your ITU experiences were beyond imaginable and you simply didn’t have the resources to support anyone besides your patients, and needed support yourself.

I can sense the ‘heroes to zeroes’ mood in the country, there seems to be little memory of exactly what happened only three years ago and a bit of resentment towards NHS workers in certain people, maybe she is one, and if she is she needs to be told to FRO.

Some friendships sadly run their course.

@bozzabollix thabk you, hats off to your DH as well. Yes, definitely notice the heroes to zeroes feel, it’s as if we’re outcast now.

I suppose I feel odd bringing it up now, nearly a year after she said it. I was just so gobsmacked at the time and I reckon I’ve been stewing a bit on it since. A bit sad to think the friendship has run its course after so many years but I suppose it does happen. Perhaps no need for drastic measures now and I’ll just leave it. Though if she keeps sending me hello messages and not replying I may have to say something!

CalistoNoSolo · Yesterday 03:43
I'm ruthless about friendships. If they don't bring me joy (in the joy:shit ratio) I ditch them. Life is way too short to put up with 'friends' who make you feel unhappy/guilty/insecure etc etc.

Spot on.

I have just ended one - I had been friends with her for about 25 years. I realised in the last 20 years I’ve maybe seen her 5 times. She’s a difficult character - very focused on her life and her drama. Never responding to texts and then if I phoned it was all about her and her drama. I asked her if she wanted to be friends still and she begged me / she cancelled coming twice (at short notice).
She’s a hoarder and hasn’t had me to visit for 5 years and hasn’t come here. I’m exhausted with it all. This time last year I called her out on it and wished her all the best, the response was immediate phoning begging me to be her friend - I said the texts saying ‘phone you next week’ needed to stop unless she was going to phone. She promised to change. She texted at Christmas and said she would phone on 28 th Dec - she didn’t. I phoned her 5 times this year- she hasn’t phoned me once. I texted her two weeks ago (big birthday for me) and asked her if she wanted a catch up and chat and to speak that week. She Read it and no reply. I blocked her yesterday and deleted her off everything. I’m exhausted with it.

@Septemberdaysarehere im sorry, no matter how exhausting a friendship can be it still feels a bit sad to end it (for me at least)

@Tara24 i reckon you’re right, can’t quite bring myself to be so ruthless and have never been someone with heaps of friends, more just a handful of a few close ones-perhaps that’s why this one hurts. Though as time passes I’m realising it’s for the better, and of course may change over time as well