This may be a lengthy one so I apologise.
TW: discussion of mental health, end of life and baby loss. (I'm so sorry)
I've been in and out of hospital for the last two years with various health issues. I was in an incredibly abusive relationship during lockdown and it caused me to become quite unwell, by not eating and growing anxiety. I thought I had it under control and my family and DD's had no idea i was battling at that time until in early 2021, this was when I was taken into hospital with an ectopic pregnancy from a new man I was dating. Everything mentally just came crashing down and my not eating caused many issues due to dehydration and malnutrition. I was also diagnosed with fibromyalgia (chronic pain) I was placed on feeding tubes and many anti depressants as well as diazepam which scared the life out of me. I've never drank or done any type of drugs so the idea of taking a medication that could be addictive freaked me out.
Anyway, I've been fighting this mental health battle on my own. That's just how I am. I feel like a huge burden and I feel like everyone would be better off without me on a daily basis. The only peace I get is when I finally fall asleep but even now on my new anti depressants I get vivid awful nightmares. I tend to be able to 'fake' happiness a lot. Especially with my partner (the man I was newly dating in 2021 and who experienced the ectopic pregnancy with me). I put this 'mask' on and continue to try and appear bubbly and upbeat when on inside I'm just becoming more and more exhausted. Waiting for everyone to fall asleep so I can just cry and cry.
Recently my partner has been having a bad time at work and has developed a lot of anxiety. He's been put on beta blockers and has just started anti depressants himself which he mixes with atleast 10 cans of beer every night (no matter how much I tell him he shouldn't mix) When he wakes up through the night in a panic he calls me to soothe him. If we are out and he feels panicked I will sit with him and do everything i can to calm him. He speaks every evening about how he doesn't want to be alive anymore. The worst part is, I'm having to convince someone that life is worth living when I'm having this own struggle myself. I've been working so hard on my own mental health, trying to stick to these meds even know the side effects are awful. I'm waiting for talking therapies and trying to just keep going and having someone in front of me who is struggling so much is really pushing me backwards. I am so damn selfish having this perspective. I know I am and I'm so sorry.
I want to help him. I want to build him up and make him strong again but it's truly destroying any bit of progress I have been trying to make ðŸ˜
What do I do? Am I a vile evil human being? Does any of my feelings actually make any sense or am I just a selfish person. Can two people who are going through trauma at the same time survive?