Hoarder dh and his parents house

[Crochetter]

DH is a hoarder, he has two garages a loft and an office filled with stuff- bits of old computers , old clothes, paperwork etc .

His parents were hoarders too, his last parent died 3 months ago and the time has come to clear a three-bedroom, two garage property which is filled to the brim of over 60 years of stuff they hoarded.
I am dreading DH bringing most of it back to the house- how do i handle this sensitively?
Obviously there will sentimental things he will want to keep- photos etc and i am okay with that but what about the rest?

Tell him straight.

Before he brings any more stuff in he has to get rid of stuff first.

My mum died last year. She wasnt a horder perse but she needed a spare of everything and the spare needed a spare. Everything she got given as a gift she would have to keep. Awfully sentimental. She'd food shop and would meal plan and would need 1 tin of beans so she'd buy 4. When I started clearing her house I took the toliet roll that wasn't opened. This was February 2022. I didn't buy any till December.
It was the therapy I didn't know I needed as I was slowly developing her ways. I no longer keep things, I've allowed a large shoe box for things I want to keep for my son. I condensed my clothes down. Bagging up 60+ bin bags of your dying mums clothes really had an affect on me. My partner is the complete opposite to my mum and he also doesn't beat around the bush so his honesty really helped. He helped me condense about 30 family photo albums down to 1. I didn't need an entire album of Christmas day 1990 featuring me opening my presents!
It's hard to advise but tough love and brutal honesty helped me. My best friend who'd known my mum 30+ years really helped as she understood these where my mums things but she was also impartial to the sentimental value.
I'd definitely recommend getting good friends to help. They are sympathetic but impartial. My uncle tried to help but if i heard the phrase you can't get rid if that once I heard it a thousand times

I think you need to be blunt here that before anything new enters the house, some things have to go. It's your home too.

Maybe you do the task with him OP? If he hoards I suspect he will find it next to impossible to go through someone else's stuff, it will overwhelm him and he won't know where to start. Have it micro managed, like today we are starting with the sitting room. You do this shelf I'll do this one and then we'll talk. Always start with the easiest room in terms of clutter and least sentimental value as people tend to get more decisive/ ruthless as they go along. Decide in advance what if anything can be taken from each room and remove it first so the decision is made. Have charity boxes ready and say how someone would love this even if you feel its really a piece of junk so he will feel he is doing the right thing by passing it on.

My dad is a hoarder so I've read up a bit on how to approach it, never worked yet for him.

TBH I would look at not having him involved in most of the clearing.
Failing that I would try to organise that you have a fixed method of disposal set for what you think you will find. I would try sell or give stuff away then drop off at the local charity shops or even a skip.
And the save boxes have to be small and pre-labled and stackable.
Also do a list of what is in each so that they can be checked without opening them.
And do the clearout in short bursts rather than one go. Move all the "unsure" in the last space to cleared along with the save boxes
So the volume of everything is visable.
And have a (very) small area picked out at home where it has to fit
Good luck

I'd suggest he takes max one box of sentimental items and get a house clearing company to deal with the rest.

I would kindly, but firmly step in now before anything even enters your home! It will be much harder to deal with later

He does not do the clearing. Someone else will need to do it. Is there another sibling? Or get a professional house clearance person?

You will have a horrendous process of guilt-ridden conversations.

Good luck, OP. Let us know how you get on.

Watch 'sort your life out' on iPlayer with him before you say or do anything - it's such a good talking point

How much space do you have in your own house? He has two garages, a loft and an office filled with things; you should have an equal amount of space that you can choose to fill with stuff or keep empty – he can’t commandeer your empty space, its purpose is to be empty. Start with that, then enlist professional help in clearing his parents’ house. Personally I couldn’t live with a hoarder!

Hoarding is a mental illness so be prepared for him to hit back.

Tell him straight and tell him now. Ideally don't let him do the house clearance.

I couldn't live with a hoarder so fair play to you for doing so

I can't see this ending well. Would he agree to saying he wants all photos and jewellery but that professionals should clear the rest? I think there needs to be a frank conversation but if he cant see that he has a problem himself, you could be looking at being unable to sell the house for years while he leaves it full.

My father died recently, and I’d have divorced my husband if he had tried to ban me from clearing or told me I was only allowed one box of my parent’s stuff! Have a heart people! It’s taken me nearly a year to properly come to terms with throwing things away.

I think you need to work on getting him to make space in his garages for things he wants to keep, or pay for a storage unit if he’s not sure whether he wants to make final decisions just yet.

Did they leave money and can you afford to spend any of it?

Hoarding is closely linked to grief. If you can getting him to agreeing to a storage container that he chooses, and pay for X amount of time and then he has a fixed amount of space and time for his parents items.

Then there has to be a space/place for it in your new home in the form of one in one out.

I fear it will be too much to deal with his parents death and their items on top of everything else. A third way might be a good half way.

Clearing a large house of a lot of stuff takes some doing. We've just taken nearly 6 months doing it bit by bit. Mainly due to work commitments, but also that we wanted to make sure that everything possible could be sold, donated or recycled rather than thrown away into a skip or down the dump.

The main thing really is to go through the vital stuff first, like paperwork about a long-forgotten policy, family jewellery and so on that has been bequeathed to a specific person, and anything of real sentimental value. I spent many years visiting my family member, and on the table there was a large mat in the centre of it. It was one of my most abiding memories of so many meals and family occasions round that table, so I've kept that.

You tell him he needs psychiatric help, he needs to sort out the dangerous hoards of crap already filling the house, and that if anything without any sentimental or financial value crosses the threshold from their hovel to yours, you will set it all on fire.