Loads of anxiety and mum guilt about not standing up for my children enough

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I've had a really shit year having cancer treatment and I think it is now affecting me mentally. I'm also taking medication which will put me in menopause in my mid thirties which I think is adding to my mental state. But I already felt guilty about these things and now can't stop thinking about it and thinking about how I've let my kids down.

There have been a few incidents over the years where my child has been 'wronged' and I've not done anything about it, for various reasons. A couple of incidents are standing out with my oldest son. We live on a council estate which is mostly normal families but does have quite a few rough ones too. When he was younger, he would play out and would often play with the son of one particularly rough family. Think all kids expelled from schools, parents constantly shouting and swearing at their own kids, parents getting into slanging matches in the street/threatening to call relatives to come and smash your windows. Every month or so, this lad would offer to give something to one if the other kids but then go and tell his dad they'd stolen it from him, so the dad would come out and shout/swear/threaten the kids with getting his older son to beat them up. My son would come home really angry and upset and I'd basically tell him to stay away from them and if they dared touch him, I'd be on the phone to the police like a shot. But I never went and said anything to the dad, so I basically let my son think it's fine for people to treat him this way. I feel cowardly.

There was another incident a couple of years ago with people who live in the next street. For some reason, they are often sitting outside the front of their house and drinking. A silly incident happened where somebody knocked over the last bit of their young son's slushie drink which was left on a wall outside. It was one of my son's friends, but they asked another kid who had done it, and he blamed my son because he fancied the girl who had done it. Again, screaming, shouting, threatening and demanding money from him to replace the slushie. They were repeatedly asking for some small amount of money to 'cover the cost of the remaining drink'. Again, my son came home upset and angry and I was absolutely incensed that they treated him like this. I wanted to go and chuck 20p on the floor and give them a piece of my mind. I got as far as the front door and realised that my son wanted me to confront them but was also worried that the mum would hit me! He said she'd been on the phone and he thought she was phoning people to come and deal with it.

Absolutely pathetic. But I feel annoyed at myself for letting people get away with this sort of behaviour, because I'm not rough and don't want to bring trouble to my doorstep.

Last week, my youngest child (7) was at a playground and we were playing hide and seek. I'd told him that this was the last game we had time for before going on our bike ride. He ran over to me crying his eyes out and said that some children kept telling him he wasn't allowed in that area. I told him that he was and he should have just said that and stayed. He's usually pretty stubborn and doesn't get upset by other children, he's more likely to get angry, so I was surprised. He said he had done that but they wouldn't let him stay there. He was really sobbing. I said "let's go over there - I'll come with you and those children will see that they have to share the playground. And if they say anything, I'll tell them that they need to share". But he didn't want to do that, because it was during a game of hide and seek, so he needed to be there alone. It was a bush to hide in rather than a piece of play equipment, not somewhere he'd just want to hang around for the sake of it. He wanted me to go and tell them off and I just didn't. I wasn't sure which children in the group had said it and he didn't seem sure. I had no idea who their parents were and tbh it was not long after my cancer treatment and I was already pushing it by going to the park. My energy was getting low and I couldn't face the idea of possibly aggressive parents if I'd said something to their children. We'd gone to the park for a bike ride, which we still hadn't done because he wanted to play hide and seek, so I said let's go for our bike ride. I didn't want to have to get into a confrontation when we were about to leave the playground anyway.

And this week, a kid was snatching and just being a bit selfish at the science museum. I'd already heard the dad telling his son to share, but he didn't see it happen. We ended up just moving to a different area.

I feel like I have become so passive because I have become anxious about 'confrontation' but I've let the children down. I haven't been able to sleep because these things are playing on my mind.

You are being extremely harsh on yourself. Confrontation and aggression isn’t the way to deal with every situation, which is the gist of your post. Sometimes, the right thing to do is to walk away.

I’m sorry about your health issues.

I know it's hard but it's really important that your son knows you have his back. My mother was very ineffectual and afraid of confrontation and it affected me.

Having said that, your neighbours sound like absolute chavs who wouldn't see reason, so probably best to steer clear of them.

I think I've got worse as I've got older though.

Perhaps avoiding an altercation with my rough neighbours is the right course of action, but there was no real reason for me not to say anything about the minor not sharing/snatching incidents. I have intervened in situations like that previously.

I just feel kind of vulnerable and anxious now when I'm out and about. I am still in treatment, but the worst of it is over. I feel like I have started to massive worry that if I say or do anything, it'll lead to some kind of shouting or conflict and I hate myself for not setting a good example to my son.

I think that it's OK to weigh up whether getting involved would make things better or worse, to be honest. But I also think it's important to talk to your children about it. Talk about how sometimes you can know you're in the right, but you need to decide whether standing your ground is the best thing to do. Bearing in mind that it's where you live and where your child goes to school.

The real fault is all with these awful people. Mostly we can go through life without encountering people as awful as some of those you have described, so the question of how best to confront them simply does not arise!

I try not to directly interfere with my child's dealings with other children in general sharing and fairness type stuff because I feel like they need to sort this themselves. I'll just advise them ways to approach and back up their interpretation if I think it's correct, or challenge them if I think there's another side. But I don't think it's usually best to speak to the other kids.

There is no perfect way.

Sorry for everything you are going through. It sounds beyond stressful.

Aww, please don't feel bad about the incidents you've described!

The ones with the rough neighbours were definitely the right decision. No doubt about that. Not worth your time.

The others are very minor. Try looking at it a different way. You're having cancer treatment, feeling awful yet still taking your children to the park. That's amazing, you should feel proud of yourself as should your kids.

Your children have friends and sound sociable and like they're having a lovely time.

You're doing great. Try and stop thinking negatively, especially about relatively minor incidents.

I hope the rest of your treatment goes well.

I think this is absolutely fair, as a general rule.

But I also think @PurpleChrayne makes an important point. As with her experience, my parents were timid, anxious and ineffectual during my childhood, and the lesson I learnt very young was not to tell them anything negative that would have required action from them, because they just got terrified and didn’t act, and worked endlessly about it, only making it worse. No eight year old should be protecting their parents. It meant I didn’t tell them about a bullying teacher (who was fired for her behaviour years later, but whom I suffered through two years of), being sexually abused aged 9. I’m now well into adulthood and didn’t tell them when I had cancer, because they don’t cope with far smaller things, and their obvious fear around the smallest unforeseen events means I end up consoling them, rather than being supported.

Now, obviously, my parents aren’t you.

The great thing about what you’ve said, OP, is that your kids ARE telling you — you’ve done something really right, and your children know they can go to you for help. I think in your shoes, as you’re recovering, I’d focus on improving your self-esteem and dealing with your anxiety, so that, from a calm and balanced place, you can decide whether an incident requires intervention.

Is moving house a possibility? Where you live sounds very confrontational.

Thanks everyone.

What would you have done about the rough families? I did have my shoes on and I was at the door before I reconsidered. I was so, so angry. I think I would have behaved in a way I later regretted and felt embarrassed by if I'd left the house then.

I don't always intervene in things with children either, because he's usually not that bothered by other children's behaviour and will tell them to stop. That's why I feel so awful - it must have been quite sustained and horrible for him to run away and cry. I talked to him about their behaviour, so he knows I don't think it's ok, but he actually asked me to tell them off and I didn't. I feel really pathetic.

I feel like I can never react right - if I do react I worry that I was over the top and have embarrassed myself. I think it over for ages afterwards and feel so anxious. My husband is incredibly passive which makes things worse. Well, not passive, but almost never directly confronts someone. He'd rather make pass agg comments and generally act pissed off rather than directly deal with the issue, which I don't like and find immature, so I'm the one always having to deal with things. My heart is actually racing now just thinking about these things because i feel so upset and worried that I've let this happen.

I'm not sure about moving. It was something we wanted to do before I got cancer, but now I'm scared.

We are mortgage free here, which has been an absolute godsend when I was having cancer treatment and my husband was made redundant. We're also within walking distance of a good primary and secondary school (currently best in the area), so I wouldn't want to move anywhere where it might mean moving to a worse school. And I am scared to take on more financial responsibility now in case my cancer comes back. I am the breadwinner and I don't even know if I could get a mortgage now. The house is also great, unusually large with loads of storage and we've spent quite a lot of money doing it up.

I don't generally find the area rough, but I'm not out and about and dealing with people often. My immediate neighbours are normal and fine and we don't really have any trouble, but there are families I would avoid. My teenage son finds the area more rough because he's out more and interacting with people more, but he's very popular and doesn't really have any trouble. The neighbour incidents were all a years ago now but I'm still dwelling on them. The rough dad I mentioned first was a bit aggressive towards me in the car the other day and gave me the finger completely unnecessarily but I doubt he even recognised me as a neighbour. We don't live that close to each other and I assume that's how he always behaves.

Honestly it’s not your fault. I’d had stopped my son playing out year ago because of my anxiety over issues like this.

the people you mention aren’t reasonable people, wouldn’t think twice about hitting you and getting their mates to come along too.

Personally I’d tried to move. It wasn’t until I’d moved that I realised how stressful it was living in an environment where lots of people were confrontational.

Whenever I do have to deal with any kind of 'confrontation' (even as simple as telling another child not to do something or a couple of weeks ago when I had to ask my neighbour to take their washing line off my fence), my heart is racing and I feel so anxious and nervous. I am always worried that things will become heated or kick off in some way. Probably because that has happened a few times in the past.

I'm fine at dealing with things at school or hobbies or whatever, because I know there are rules and systems. It's more dealing with strangers personally when I don't know how they will react or if there will be aggression. That's what makes me feel like a coward. I'm fine when I've got some backup (like complaining about something at school because I know the staff have to behave professionally) but weak when I have to deal with things alone. It's pathetic.

And if we move, our financial situation will change considerably. At the moment, we are able to pay for quite a few extra curriculars for each child, days out, hobbies etc. It's taken us years to get to a point where we could provide that kind of stuff for the kids and I don't want them to lose it.

I think I probably just need some advice on how to be more assertive or deal with these situations without overthinking it and panicking. I always think "well what if the person disagrees with me and argues and it achieves nothing because I end up just having to walk away anyway" so it seems pointless.

OP give yourself a break. I don’t see anything wrong where you evaluated these situations and thought it better to walk away. Like you say in a professional and predictable environment you are capable and speak up. You have been through a hugely challenging time personally with your health. I don’t see that you are doing anything wrong. Some families and individuals it is honestly better to walk away from as no good will come of escalating the situation. Good luck to you, sounds like you are doing a good job in difficult circumstances to me.