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Original poster

No invite in return

13 replies

thecupboard · 27/08/2023 07:17

DS (Y1) invited "Luke" to his party. Luke didn't invite DS to his party.

They sat on the same table for lunch everyday for the last term. I go for coffees with the mum. The other boy from the lunch table was invited.

I know its pathetic but I feel hurt... no one knows but my DS has an autism diagnosis... I feel like some of his ASD traits are making it difficult for him to make friends at school. Normally I would be able to rationalise it but I am getting anxious about it.

I have an appointment with school about his ASD in September, but in the mean time this minor nugget of information about the party has me knots.

OP posts:
cryinglaughing · 27/08/2023 07:20

Sadly, you may have to get used to it.
The ND kids were never invited to parties, even those that were whole class.

Fimofriend · 27/08/2023 07:50

When my daughter was in primary school we always invited all the girls for her birthdays. She was only invited to two or three a year. A girl in the class once invited everyone except 6 of the kids in the class and my daughter was one of those who wasn't invited even though she sometimes played with the girl. I declined future invitations from the mum for my daughter to go play with that girl. I didn't want my daughter to learn bad manners.

Original poster
thecupboard · 27/08/2023 10:54

I'm just a bit miffed as I've made an effort with this person, I thought we get on, and as far as I know our kids do too.

Anyway, after a bit of dwelling on it I think I'm starting to getting over it. It just is what it is, and I'll take a back seat for a while and see what happens.

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Fairymother · 27/08/2023 11:50

Im so sorry this happened. We just had a Party for DS, he turned 9. He invited all the boys from his class. They have a new kid with autism and he specifically said he should come too so he can get to know everyone better.
I didnt know much about the kid, just that he has a constant supervisor in class because hes loud and disruptive. Because we went to an activity i contacted his mum and we decided its best she comes with us just in case. I was really glad she offered this tbh, because i wouldnt know how to handle it if something went wrong.
It all went perfect though in the end.
His mum said it was his first ever party.
I think people might be a bit insecure and unsure maybe. You should ask the mum why if you know her well.

fortunehunting · 27/08/2023 14:55

Thanks @Fairymother I'm not sure how I could ask why without it coming across as petty.

Maxus · 27/08/2023 15:10

Is it cost? In primary I could only afford small party's, no more than 6 so my child invited his closest friends. Others did invite my son to their parties usually whole class parties. Not all parents can afford to do this.

Mummyof287 · 27/08/2023 15:24

Its really crap....I had similar recently, felt quite upset because a girl in my daughters (also year 1) class invited nearly every other girl in the class except for mine (saw a photo as I have the mum on fb) her daughter had been invited to my dd's, and I know the mum to chat to at the school gates....she always seems really nice.
Even worse with your situation if you are actually meeting up socially with this mum!
I would get it if it was only afew of the girls from the class, or the mum didn't know who we were, or even if she hadn't been invited to ours.But it did shock and upset me.My DD is awaiting an assessment aswell for ASD/ADHD....it does make you more sensitive to these sort of things as you always wonder if that's why they are being excluded :(

I've always taught my daughter that if someone invites you to their party, you invite them back to your next one too.The only exclusion would be I guess if they were bullying her or something, as i obviously couldn't expect her to invite them if that was the case, and would be wrong to put etiquette before her wellbeing.

Clefable · 27/08/2023 15:27

It's a shame but there could be a good reason. If we wanted a small party for DD, there are more people whose parties she has been to than we would want to invite, as she's been to quite a few whole class parties. If we wanted to do an activity that lends itself to a small group, then some of those kids just can't be invited. Doesn't mean we didn't value their invitation or that my DD didn't enjoy it though, just that sometimes it isn't feasible to invite everyone who has invited you. Invites don't really work reciprocally like that when there are different party sizes, budgets, etc.

But as a parent with a ND child, it will probably become more of an issue sadly as your child gets older so I understand why you're upset. If it was a one-off then you probably wouldn't care, but you're upset because you are looking ahead to what the future might be like. So it's understandable to be upset for that reason.

Clefable · 27/08/2023 15:28

Also there is the problem that the older kids get, the more agency they want over who comes to their party. In the young kid years you can get away with inviting kids of your friends etc even when your kids aren't that close, but when kids get older they tend to want to choose who comes for themselves, which is understandable.

Maxus · 27/08/2023 15:36

Mummyof287 · 27/08/2023 15:24

Its really crap....I had similar recently, felt quite upset because a girl in my daughters (also year 1) class invited nearly every other girl in the class except for mine (saw a photo as I have the mum on fb) her daughter had been invited to my dd's, and I know the mum to chat to at the school gates....she always seems really nice.
Even worse with your situation if you are actually meeting up socially with this mum!
I would get it if it was only afew of the girls from the class, or the mum didn't know who we were, or even if she hadn't been invited to ours.But it did shock and upset me.My DD is awaiting an assessment aswell for ASD/ADHD....it does make you more sensitive to these sort of things as you always wonder if that's why they are being excluded :(

I've always taught my daughter that if someone invites you to their party, you invite them back to your next one too.The only exclusion would be I guess if they were bullying her or something, as i obviously couldn't expect her to invite them if that was the case, and would be wrong to put etiquette before her wellbeing.

Not everybody can afford to do this.

TeenDivided · 27/08/2023 15:49

Not everyone can afford whole class parties, true.

But it tends to be the same kids who are always left out of smaller ones.
MN is very keen on being inclusive, but also very keen that their child gets to invite who they want to parties. You can't square that circle.

Original poster
thecupboard · 29/08/2023 11:45

Maxus · 27/08/2023 15:10

Is it cost? In primary I could only afford small party's, no more than 6 so my child invited his closest friends. Others did invite my son to their parties usually whole class parties. Not all parents can afford to do this.

It's not cost... they are minted.

OP posts:
Maxus · 29/08/2023 13:52

thecupboard · 29/08/2023 11:45

It's not cost... they are minted.

Show quote history

It doesn't matter if they are minted. Not everybody wants to do big parties, in future school years kids choose their guests.

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