I want to be a mum so badly

[longingformotherhood]

I'm in my late 20s, never been in a relationship before or even been on a single date. Pretty much due to extreme shyness and low self-esteem. I'm also pretty sure that I'm autistic, and even though I'm 29 inside I feel about 12.

Most of my childhood friends are now settled in long-term relationships with partners, and some are pregnant or have babies. Everytime one of them talks about their partner or pregnancy or babies I get this pain in my stomach that always takes me by surprise. I feel so behind my peers and feel like it will never happen for me.

I know the answer is to try online dating but I feel so behind and like I'll never catch-up. I don't feel 'ready' for a relationship; the idea of it makes me feel so nervous and uncomfortable. I feel like I've resigned myself to just being single forever, and I'm not sure I even mind that. I've just always wanted to be a mum.

I get what you mean about wanting to be single. But I think you should at least try it. You’ve nothing to lose and you can make it however you want. You don’t need to spend too much time with a man. Apart from that are you financially capable of raising a child on your own ?

You could always try sperm donation? You don’t have to be in a relationship to have children as long as you have the means to support a child.

Would you have the support to have a child as a single mum?

Solidarity here too, in a very similar position.

I’d try counselling too to talk it through.

Being a mum is a lifelong relationship. For the first 18yrs the other person will be extremely needy and demanding. It is not something to enter into lightly.

I suggest you try and put yourself out there a bit, and try to date. Honestly it is awkward and embarassing at the start for everybody, but worth the effort, if you do find someone you get along with.

Heads up that if you are autistic, there is an increased chance you will have an autistic child. They require a higher level of parenting than typical children and you will have to contend with the inadequate education system that trust to hammer your square peg kid into a round hole. It's hard

Do you really want a child or could you be feeling left out and feel like if you have a child you will be closer to your friends? Because that could be your autism and having a child will not fix that.

Wanting a child cos everyone else has one is not a reason to have a child. They will absolutely destroy any semblance of your normal life. I honestly wouldn't recommend it.

I think you need to write down all your thoughts about having a child and evaluate if you truly want one. If you do go for it, get a sperm donor. Being a parent is always tough but there are many many single parents and you make it work. Baby groups become your village.

My sister was single and didn't rate the relationships she'd been in, when she turned 40 she went for adoption of a gorgeous two-year-old who has grown into a total sweetheart of an eight-year-old. I'm NOT suggesting adoption before anyone jumps on me, as I know it's rare for things to work out so well, but what I'm saying is that you don't need a man to start a family and that's an acceptable and workable choice these days if you can financially support raising a child alone. A sperm donor with no ongoing interaction or a coparenting arrangement (maybe with a gay couple who can provide sperm and also share in the baby's care and provide a support network) could work really well.
Also bear in mind you have quite a lot of time right now, take the pressure off yourself. Another sister didn't even think about starting her family until she was 35.

It's definitely not due to friends having babies, I've felt like this for a long time. When I was growing up I never had a 'dream job', I just wanted to be a mum. It's literally the only thing I can think of I want out of life, everything else like travel, degrees, career things are just an added bonus that I'm not really fussed about.

I work with young children and have autistic siblings so I do have some understanding of the difficulties, I know it's not just the highlight reel you see on social media. I feel like I have so much 'motherly' (for lack of a better word) energy to give, I just feel like being a mum is what I was made for.

I will definitely look into solo parenting options. I'm not in the right point in my career at the moment, so it would probably be 5+ years but it helps to know there are options if I don't find someone to settle down with.

You sound very wise, OP. I wish you all the best for the future.