I am increasingly reflecting on my relationship with my parents, which is limited/strained, and, now they are getting older, the onus is on me to do the visiting but I am finding that I really don't want to. It's a 3 hour drive away. I don't have siblings so no one to talk this stuff through with so anyone's thoughts here would be great to have. Do any of the things listed below justify/explain the fact that I just don't feel very close to them?
- As a child I was never really centred. I know that it quite typical of 70s/80s upbringings and maybe it has swung too far the other way now, but I was not given swimming lessons or taught to ride a bike, as an example. They just weren't interested so I didn't have those opportunities. Obviously I could have rectified these issues but I never have.
- Obsession with teeth cleaning and having no fillings as a child, but I had other issues with my teeth that were not addressed or treated as it would have been time-consuming/costly and these have given me lifelong issues/cost. My mother thinks my ds having braces is an amazing commitment on my part!
- Made to stay with a GP who was openly hostile to me and I was very miserable there but had to go alone for a couple of weeks each summer. Parents didn't take annual leave around school holidays and I was always sent to other relatives at these times up until about 14. Only one was unpleasant but now I find it odd parents didn't want to spend more time with me other than 1 family holiday per year (but not every year). One holiday always included my birthday and I was never with my parents for that.
- DF suffered with depression and spent most weekends in bed. DM often joined him and I was alone downstairs for hours at weekends for all the years I can remember (obviously I started going out in my teens). The house was dirty and untidy so I rarely had anyone round. It wasn't a pleasant environment.
- DF developed a drinking problem when I was in my mid-teens and said some pretty unpleasant things regarding me being unplanned and the root of their financial problems - I don't know the extent of these and none were obvious to me. Both worked f/t in fairly good jobs, especially df, throughout my childhood and they had a mortgage. After I left home they inherited a lot and have been very comfortable since then.
- I dropped out of uni after one year when I first went at 18 and then went back in my mid-20s. I had no financial support, which was ok I suppose as I had left home at 21, but I had to lie on the form to say I was estranged from my parents to qualify for the maximum loan/grant as it was expected they would contribute but they wouldn't.
Since uni, which is now around 20 years ago, I have never lived near them and have seen them a few times a year when they visit. We never discuss anything personal and I suppose the relationship is polite but superficial. I do get on better with my dm and speak to her most weeks, but I feel like she enables df. He has had numerous health issues and I'm sure they are alcohol related but she covers this up. When I see them he never drinks but I'm sure that it's on hold temporarily for my visits. One thing I absolutely dread is him outliving her as I have no idea how I would maintain a relationship with him and feel he would slide into chaos pretty quickly and I would be responsible. But I really don't want to be. They are mid/late 70s so this increasingly worries me. I know it sounds cold but I can't believe he is still alive with his lifestyle.
When my marriage broke up dm came to stay and was supportive but this did come just after their sizeable inheritance and I feel like they could have offered some financial support too, though I didn't ask, but it was tough for a few years. My dm kept going on about how my house has 3 toilets and I feel like she likes to minimise any problems I may have. I just have never felt supported by them. And I know inheritance is not something you can rely on, but my dm has told me they have left everything to me but I'm not an executor of their will, which I find odd. I know no one is entitled to anything, but I would honestly rather know now than have another kick in the teeth when they are gone.
This is so long no one will probably read it and I can't remember my original question now but it has been good to write it all down. Do these issues seem silly - am I being unfair to be dwelling on them?