People pleasing, assertiveness, lack of boundaries- where do you even begin?

[greyhoose]

I grew up learning that anger is a shameful emotion and one to be hidden. Someone being even mildly annoyed at me sends me into a panic. I do everything I can to hide when someone has annoyed me.

I am awful at being direct and often try to soften things so much that I am clearly not communicating clearly. Others say the same thing in half the time and are understood much better.

Resentment has been building up lately as I have been working on a project with a team and have been picking up the slack for some of the team members who are not pulling their weight, not being responsive, not doing their tasks or dragging their feet. It's caused me such stress lately as I've been working extra hours to avoid a big confrontation at all costs. Last week I had two panic attacks. This all ended in an argument with one of them earlier this week and while I do think I am "right" and most of the other team members support me, the fact this person is annoyed at me or doesn't like me or believes I am in the wrong is eating me up.

I have friends that I honestly am not even sure if I like that much anymore as I again have built resentment about things I don't feel able to talk about with them.

Until the last ten years or so it was so bad that I was unable to open up to anyone. Anything other than small talk would be really difficult. I could never bring myself to be emotionally vulnerable. This included heartfelt apologies, personalised expressions of gratitude. I even struggled to ask people questions about their life. Everything I knew growing up was stiff upper lips, teasing, what nowadays we would call "banter" and never being real and open.

At this point I feel like it's not only affecting my career but also my social life. I did try counselling but ironically this very issue stopped me from engaging properly as the counsellor said something I didn't like and after weeks of trying I felt physically incapable of bringing it up.

I am stating to worry that I am going to pass this onto my child. Since meeting my husband I have improved but mostly I have improved specifically with him - I still struggle getting my feelings across to others.

I think you have to assign value to the alternative action.

Reading your post, you seem to only assign value to someone else. Perhaps decide what YOU would get if you say no and assign a value to it. Anything from good sex with your partner to completing your task in time and in budget.

Another thing could be to see a request coming up and have your answer prepared including an alternative path so that you are swerving the problem rather than just blocking completely.

And practice a short answer. Practice, practice, practice. Start in the shower. Then in the kitchen. Get used to the feel of the words in your brain and in your mouth and let your ears hear it.

“Sorry, can’t right now” is more gentle than “no” but if you must “umm, sorry, can’t right now. My diary is full” with finger running down the page and a frown should do. No one else needs to know exactly what you have in your diary. If you keep talking, you are permitting the other person to keep bulldozing.

Ask your husband for help. Get him to randomly ask you for favours that are so outlandish you just have to say no. You could have great fun. You know, he could say “let’s get the goggles and snorkel and we will find Nessie”. But practice saying no. Practice different ways of saying no.

You will do this. You will manage work. You will manage being a good mum. Your husband will look at you with pride. And you will be gleeful at your strength.