This isn’t a normal reaction or is it ?

[AbsolutelyfedUp]

If your teenage dc was extremely rude to you would your dh step in and say something as well if they heard ?

DD has been extremely rude to me - I immediately told her it was disgusting disrespectful language and to apologise. Dh was literally right there. Didn’t say a word.
I asked him why he hadn’t said anything he said he doesn’t need anyone to fight his battles for him so why do I ? It was more that I wanted her to have both her parents saying this is not ok - he doesn’t agree . I’m pissed off. I feel like he just didn’t want to be the bad guy ?

if you are telling her, I do t think your dh needs to tell her as well?

She was just so foully rude I thought he would be as shocked as I was and not want me spoke to like that ?

*spoken

I would be a bit annoyed if dh piled in when I had already dealt with it, personally.

I just didn’t feel supported I guess and it was extremely unpleasant language

I don't think there's any need to gang up on your DD.

Two against one escalates quickly; if you weren't handling it well, that would have been one thing, but it doesn't sound like that was the case.

I can understand you feeling vulnerable after an 'attack' and wanting reassurance / support from your partner, though – would it have helped if he'd checked in with you after the event to make sure you were ok?

In the same circumstances I would have hope that the teens dad would had spoken a supportive word ...your mother's right ...no need to talk to her like that. I don't think that is piling on I think that is parenting together.

Same, me and dh have actually had arguments about this along the lines of ‘please let me deal with this, I am perfectly capable’ neither like it when the other jumps in.

It was really clear I was shocked and upset. Even if he hadn’t intervened I think had he asked me after if I was ok ? Or anything but he didn’t ? Just acted irritated

Ye arhats all I wanted just a few words to support me or if he couldn’t do that just if he had said something to me afterwards but he was just acting irritated and inconvenienced

I kind of agree with you OP. He didn't have to add anything extra/have a go at her but a basic "don't speak to your mother like that" would have been sufficient for support and provide a united parenting front. He's now given the impression (rightly or wrongly) that he thinks it's okay for her to speak like that to you. And that's not good.

*yes that’s

If your objective is to get Dd to alter her behaviour, wading in mob handed in the moment wouldn’t work well.

It would be good to discuss it afterwards and ongoing approach to her behaviour if it continues, but basically your DH is treating you like her co-parent, not one of a group of teen friends where everyone ‘takes sides’.

How quickly did you take issue with your DH? Did you wait til you were both well and truly out of earshot? Did you confront him immediately? Is he weary with ongoing drama? Is it time to dial down triangular drama in the family? These are open questions , and worth thinking about. Also talking to him about being a team, and he does need to support you too.

I think the problem is that dh is a non confrontational wants to be everyone’s friend rather than a parent type and I’ve had enough of zero support and all discipline being down to me

This.

It depends what it is. My dh has said things like 'don't speak to my wife like that' if she's been rude to me. I wouldn't want him to pile in though and repeat what I've already said.

I think if you're having the conversation about acceptable behaviour then the other parent chipping in is not helpful, yes.

But if disrespectful foul language was directed at one of us (parents) within earshot of the other, I would absolutely expect the other one to give it an 'oi! knock that right off' etc, not sit in silence.

Yes I think all I wanted was him to just say not to speak to me like that as it was so unpleasant

What did she say?

That response would absolutely enrage me. Why does being his wife mean you can’t be spoken to rudely, rather than it being not ok to be foully rude to your mother? It’s very proprietorial and patriarchal, and would be even less productive if the child in question was the stepchild rather than the biological child of Macho Man.

Theres a huge difference between a united front and ganging up. Though maybe your DH doesn't understand that if he's talking about "fighting your battles" He should have supported you.

I was making breakfast at the same time as dd, I reached to get a particular item and she pushed my arm and snatched it - I said to her that I was having that and she knows I follow as set plan for what I eat so she can have something different to which she shouted at me ‘oh yes we all know about your IBS it’s so fucking disgusting that you can’t stop shitting yourself’ and was laughing at me

I think the element of humiliation is making me so much more upset that dh didn’t even have a kind word to say to me afterwards

Wow. He should absolutely have stepped in.

Fucking hell, where did she get the idea she could talk to you like that!