Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Awkward situation with mum friend

27 replies

peachybee · 23/08/2023 22:39

I've just figured out something that I'm not sure how to handle. There's a long backstory but this gist is my partner has a DC from a previous relationship that isn't actually his biologically but very much is in every other sense, including the eyes of the law, as he had to fight extra hard for custody rights for DC when he broke up with their mum due to not being the bio dad. DC is now late teens.
The bio dad knows DC exists, and my partners very active role in their life but has never wanted anything to do with DC. The last contact was almost 10yrs ago when the bio dad bumped into DC and her mum and was apparently very clear that DC was not viewed as his child, and he had a new family now who didn't know about DC.

We've recently had a baby together and I've made very good friends with another mum through baby classes- lots of play dates outside of class, we text a lot, dinner/drinks without the kids. It's a lovely friendship I very much value as a new mum.

I've just twigged tonight that her partner is the bio dad.
I have no idea if she knows DC exists at all, and if she does if she knows that they're related to me.

Do I broach the subject at all? And if so how on earth do I bring that up?!

OP posts:
SocialHistoryStereotypes · 23/08/2023 23:08

I’d say no. It’s not your place to tell her and nothing good would come of you doing so.

MadamWhiteleigh · 23/08/2023 23:13

I would say nothing and gently and gradually back away from the friendship.

GameOverBoys · 23/08/2023 23:16

Tell her. Why wouldn’t you. It’s not your secret. She’ll probably not continue the friendship but it probably has no future anyway now.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
TeaKitten · 23/08/2023 23:23

I wouldn’t bring it up, it’s none of your business, but what does your partner think?

whatfreshheck · 23/08/2023 23:24

Can you not just say your partner and hers share an ex and leave it at that? Don't mention a child.

Opine · 23/08/2023 23:33

‘What is done in darkness will come to light’. This is shit Dad’s Light & I think your meeting is an alignment of the stars.

Yes I’d tell her. Not nice for her but none of it is your fault. It’s shit Dad’s.

Your DH is a good guy.

Zonder · 23/08/2023 23:47

There's no need to mention it at all. Shelve it.

How did you even work it out?

Emerald95 · 23/08/2023 23:51

I would tell her. I wouldn't appreciate a friend keeping it from me. I would take the approach of being factual without letting your personal feelings about her DH cloud your words. Let her know your husband and her husband have an ex in commen and that your husband has helped raise the ex's child, whi you believe is fathered by her ex. Let her know you can arrange for the siblings to meet up if that's something she and your step daughter would like.

LifeIsJustOneBigWTAF · 24/08/2023 00:09

If you were just passing acquaintances I'd say leave it, but you've become friends so you really should say something. Otherwise if/when she finds out from some other source it'll seem really weird that you didn't mention it. You only need to give the basic facts ie your partner is stepdad to her partner's child from a previous relationship. Frankly, if he hasn't told her about the child, that's on him.

jlpth · 24/08/2023 00:13

Say nothing
just keep the friend - she hasn’t done wrong

Duckingella · 24/08/2023 00:15

This is a sliding doors moment isn't it?

She's living in blissful ignorance that her husband is an absolute shit who's kept a enormous life changing secret from her and isn't the man she thinks he is.

Ask yourself the question;would you want to be kept in the dark if it was you?

AJ65 · 24/08/2023 00:19

If you want to continue the friendship I think you've got to find a way to broach the subject. Mentioning that your partner and hers have a mutual ex seems a good start. Good Luck!!!

Someoneonlyyouknow · 24/08/2023 00:24

How have you worked out the connection? What would you hope to achieve by telling her? She may already know.

I think you probably need to cool the friendship, sadly. If you tell her you will lose it anyway. She's not going to be grateful for your honesty.

Gothambutnotahamster · 24/08/2023 00:27

Opine · 23/08/2023 23:33

‘What is done in darkness will come to light’. This is shit Dad’s Light & I think your meeting is an alignment of the stars.

Yes I’d tell her. Not nice for her but none of it is your fault. It’s shit Dad’s.

Your DH is a good guy.

This! Absolutely tell her!

Whiskerson · 24/08/2023 00:33

AJ65 · 24/08/2023 00:19

If you want to continue the friendship I think you've got to find a way to broach the subject. Mentioning that your partner and hers have a mutual ex seems a good start. Good Luck!!!

Agree with this. Also, she may be well aware that her partner fathered a child long ago - she just doesn't know that child is your step-daughter. So I don't think you need to assume you'd be revealing his secret. If he has never mentioned it to her, then that's on him. Starting the conversation as suggested here should start to gently tease out what she knows and doesn't know, and lets her go away and figure it out privately.

boobies1234 · 24/08/2023 00:46

I think you have to tell her. Her child is half sibling to your step daughter.
How did you work it out?

thecatinthetwat · 24/08/2023 00:52

I would be very careful here op. What if she encourages him to make contact? Would that be good for your sdc? Think it through first, and then some. There is a case on each side.

Copperoliverbear · 24/08/2023 00:55

You said in your original post bio dads family know nothing of DC, leave well alone say nothing, he is not his father anyone can make a child it takes a man to be a father. X

OilOfRoses · 24/08/2023 09:25

If I planned to go ahead with the friendship, I think I'd have to say something eventually. I'm a terrible liar and couldn't deceive a friend.
If I decided not to say anything I'd have to avoid the friendship and probably leave the place you know her from. How well that works out may depend how big your community is. Do you have plenty of other options?
Not saying my way is the right way, just how I think I'd feel about it.

Original poster
peachybee · 24/08/2023 11:46

I was chatting with my partner and mentioned my friends partner by name. Both him and my partner have distinctive names and we live in an apparently very small town 😬. I didn't actually know his name before this, once my partner explained DC wasn't his it's not something we ever really feel a need to talk about too much.

It's just so hard to figure out what to say, but I do feel I have to say something. I really don't want to lose my friend and I guess it all swings on whether she already knows he had a previous child before they got together and started their family or if I'd be dropping this huge bomb.

OP posts:
HateTheView · 24/08/2023 11:52

I'd be tempted to pretend I didn't know. If you hadn't mentioned your friend's husband's name to your husband, you wouldn't know. If friend ever did find out, if claim ignorance and say you never mentioned her husband's name to your husband. Unless my H knows my friend's husband I would just refer to them as friend's H and not use their name! Maybe that's just me though and my H is useless with names so it's pointless me telling him anyway!

Gothambutnotahamster · 24/08/2023 11:56

Id say it as you have here - was chatting to DH & mentioned your DP by name and he believes he's his step daughters dad - small world. I wouldn't expect it to actually be a big deal unless shes unaware but thats on her DP, not you!

mindutopia · 24/08/2023 12:10

I don't think you need to bring it up. If she works out who you are and who your partner is, then that's a conversation for her to have with her partner. It's not your awkwardness to carry around.

To give you an example, one of my good friends had her dd with a man who buggered off while she was pregnant, quickly got into a new relationship, married and had 2 children with his new wife. Her ex has never met his dd (she's a young teen now). I knew of my friends ex (though never met him, she was baby group friend, so he'd long since buggered off by then) and I knew of his new partner because we lived in a similar area. Ex's 2 dc started at the nursery that my dc went to and I would exchange pleasant small talk with ex and his new partner just like I do with any of the other parents. They had no idea who I was or that I was friends with the mum of his first child. The mum friend requested me on Facebook and I added her. It was only then that she saw that her partner's ex was friends with me. The mum messaged me to say she couldn't be friends (we weren't, but anyway!) because I was friends with her partner's ex. She said she knew he had a child that he didn't see (though he does pay pennies via CMS for, so does not dispute his dd is his), but she couldn't cope with being reminded of it as it was just too upsetting for her. 🙄Ridiculous, but anyway, the point is that the shame and awkwardness is not mine.

Your dh has done a lovely thing by the sounds of it. I don't think you need to say anything about who you are or who he is. She may not even know, frankly! But you know that her partner isn't really a great guy and they aren't ultimately who you want to be friends with, so I'd just be polite but not pursue the friendship. If she gets pushy or asks why, then I think you can be honest.

Valerie23 · 24/08/2023 12:57

I would forget that I had found this out.

Unless of course later on your step child starts dating one of her children.

The status quo at the moment appears to be good. The child has your partner as his father figure and role model and that could all come crashing down if you poke the new wife with a stick.

HowAmYa · 24/08/2023 13:51

I personally couldn't keep a secret from someone who I saw as a good friend.
So its either you tell her or you bow out of this friendship slowly.
Because one day she WILL find out and trust me she will never ever trust you again for knowing the entire time and keeping it from her while playing happy mum mates.

I'd be honest. Just say his name felt familiar, and you think it could be the dad of your partners step child. Yes it's not your place but at the same time friendships should have some level of honesty. There's a level of sisterhood involved here.

Swipe left for the next trending thread