How to refuse well meaning relative?

[Wamba]

My Aunty (DM sister) has no children of her own but has played a big role in my life. Almost like a second mother.

She has started volunteering in a charity shop. And almost every day she is sending me a message asking do you want this? Could you use this? Very occasionally it is something useful and I say yes please, that would be great. But 9 times out of 10 it is a gimmicky household appliance (hence why it is in the charity shop) or some hideous clothing. I’m running out of ways to say no thank you.

To avoid drip feeding- she has form for being dramatic and easily offended. If I say no thank you too many times, next time I see her she makes out that I am ungrateful, she is just trying to help and I think I am too good for charity shop items.

Id just tell her you are ever so grateful she is thinking of you but you can't have any more things in your home, no matter how lovely or useful they may be. Say with a big smile and hopefully she will stop!

Yes, say you have absolutely no space in your home for anything right now, you have a strict ‘one in, one out’, policy, so please don’t go to the trouble any more, but if you ever find you are in need of something, you will ask her to keep an eye out for it.

Or just say ‘You’re annoying me, and your taste in clothes is godawful.’

My go to is we have 5 people live here, we just don’t have any room for anything.

No doubt while I've been typing someone will have said you should just talk to her and say you appreciate the thought but you don't want anything. And of course they're right.

But as a completely unchangeable people pleaser with easily offended familyI would suggest that you need a blanket reason for saying no. A reason why that specific hideous dress is a no, and a different reason for the awful jeans is just repeated rejection and will upset her by the sounds of it. A blanket reason is the same 'no', once she acceptes it for one thing she's accepted it for everything.

I think for household appliances you're 'decluttering' and can't have anything new while you're still deciding what of yours to keep. You could even be reducing the plastic in your home, that would rule out pretty much everything! You could say you're 'Marie kondo-ing' - that would work for the clothes as well. You could talk at length about things 'sparking joy' and how you're developing a capsule wardrobe. She might avoid talking to you about it if you're lucky

You could also actually declutter a bit if you think you need to - but give it all to your aunt for her charity shop. Something every time you see her. That way she gets her 'giving things to people' fix but in the opposite direction.

Tell her (and everyone else you know just for convincing effect) that you're doing a massive clear out inspired by watching Marie Kondo. And don't accept anything else at all.

MIL has tried to offload her crap onto us/me. I've discovered to never say yes to it because then the flood gates of crap open and you're inundated with stuff you don't want.

Could you ask her to keep an eye out for a specific item you need, something fairly obscure so the chances of her finding it arre low, but if she does find it then it would be useful?

Then everytime she asks if you want something you can say no thank you, but keep an eye out for xx, so is less overall negative and still lets her feel like shes helping?

Give her a small list of things to look out for and say they are the only things you actually would like or need.

Thanks for all the tips, I love the idea of giving her stuff for the shop as a way of reversing it!

We are doing up our house soon so that’s a good excuse for telling her we are decluttering.

Thanks for being understanding and not just saying tell her to fuck off with her junk. She can be infuriating at times but really she means well and is always thinking of me and my family