Found drug paraphernalia in dds bedroom

Needsomebloodyperspective · 2023-08-22T21:39:33+00:00

Before you tell me to mind my own business due to his age background for you: dd 20 dropped out of uni. smokes huge amount of weed doesn’t work / does bare minimum occasional shop work I put a washing load on the bed. There was a hoodie on the floor picked it up got an overwhelming whiff of weed. Out of the pocket of hoodie fell a straw with white powder stuck half way up it like a tiny bit definitely white powder. And a ripped up tenner. She is out at the moment staying with a friend - what do I do? My immediate reaction is to tell her to get the fuck out. I don’t want to call or text them - just me no dad on the scene.

fabmaccawhackyrhumbsaloft · 22/08/2023 22:43

Can you just talk to her ?
Will she talk to you ?

Is she experimenting or is it a problem? That's what you need to find out

Try to approach her without anger or judgement to find out what's going on

Original poster

Needsomebloodyperspective · 22/08/2023 22:45

There is a lot of laziness a lot of low level lying going on.

I speak but it goes in one ear out the other.

OP posts:

OhComeOnFFS · 22/08/2023 22:47

This is my nightmare. I think you have to come down hard on her, OP - she's not working, not contributing, spending any money on drugs. It's not on. Who is she mixing with?

caringcarer · 22/08/2023 22:48

She is an adult and if those are her values I'd ask her to leave my home. Once she has to find rent money she won't have any left for drugs.

Original poster

Needsomebloodyperspective · 22/08/2023 22:48

People from school! All of them nice kids apparently I know all their parents but none of them setting the world on fire.

OP posts:

fabmaccawhackyrhumbsaloft · 22/08/2023 22:49

Maybe you need to set out your boundaries and just say it's a deal breaker for you if she's doing drugs

I'd just ask her what's going on with her . You have every right to say no drugs in my home and set boundaries

At 20 if she wants to go down that route you have options and is simply
Say stay and abuse my my rules or piss off and live how
You want but you fund it

TossieFleacake · 22/08/2023 22:52

Try to stay calm and talk to her.
Once you turn it into a battle, she will side with the drugs and you will have no way of communicating with her.

Not all drug use leads to addiction.
Some drugs can be reasonably managed and will not necessarily ruin her life.

Try to keep the lines of communication open so that you can find out and support her accordingly.

WhisperingHi · 22/08/2023 22:58

You can't control the situation, nothing you do will change her mind on using drugs. That's the first thing to remember. You aren't responsible and there's no right way of dealing with this.

I think you need to talk to her. She needs to know that you know about her escalating drug use, that you are worried about her and that you want to support her to seek help.

if she refuses to seek help, I think you need to lay down your expectations. That you expect her, at 20, to be in training or employment and if she isn't by Christmas, she'll have to be thinking about moving out. Perhaps offer to attend a careers day with her or a college/uni open day.

I would also offer to pay for counselling for her. Does she have mental health issues? Do you know when she starting using drugs?

This isn't your fault. It's a really hard world and she's going to have to learn to grow up and take responsibility for her life. If she sinks lower, and refuses to engage with the help you're offering, that's not on you. It must be very sad and frustrating for you, I hope she's able to turn it around.

Stomacharmeleon · 22/08/2023 22:58

I get that @TossieFleacake but it is already Isn't it as she is prioritising drug use above uni/ work/ being a fully functioning human being. She is opting out with no consequences.
I would hide it and see if she asks about it. I wouldn't be giving it back. It's illegal and asking what her next steps are.
I wouldn't get angry but you have to decide what your non negotiable's are and mine are drugs. If my kids want to smoke week then they are Welcome to do it elsewhere. It also doesn't come in my house.
This may seem draconian to some but my eldest has smoke/ weed induced psychos and was sectioned because I of it.

VeniVidiWeeWee · 22/08/2023 23:11

caringcarer · 22/08/2023 22:48

She is an adult and if those are her values I'd ask her to leave my home. Once she has to find rent money she won't have any left for drugs.

She will still want the drugs.

So how does she get them? Prostitution? Theft?

Overdemanding · 22/08/2023 23:25

I'm finding parenting young adults the hardest part of all. I don't think think people who say "come down hard" or "throw her out" have reached this stage. How will that help? You'll lose her and throw her into that other life.

I'd back off. Leave her to make her mistakes, make sure she knows you're there when she's ready (which she will be), don't fund her, but expect her to pay her way and do her bit at home.

greenspaces4peace · 22/08/2023 23:26

wash the hoodie ;)
add a sheet of toilet paper to the load..
"it was on the floor, it smelled dreadful, no why would i check the pockets".
followed by the no smoking/taking drugs in the house discussion, you will need to start paying rent september 15th btw.

Gobimanchurian · 22/08/2023 23:27

Dear lord, some of these comments.

Let's immediately jump to 'she's a thief and /or a prostitute' for a scant evidence of a bit of Coke...

Talk to her. The two things aren't unconnected (losing your way, don't live your course, what comes next) and filling the vacuum with partying... but don't demonise her by jumping to a conclusion that she's a baddun, and kick her out.

That's pushing her away from the life you want for her, and towards the one you don't.

Try to reignite her passion/direction without being too critical. Those walls go up quick and hard to tear back down.

Overdemanding · 22/08/2023 23:30

Gobimanchurian · 22/08/2023 23:27

Dear lord, some of these comments.

Let's immediately jump to 'she's a thief and /or a prostitute' for a scant evidence of a bit of Coke...

Talk to her. The two things aren't unconnected (losing your way, don't live your course, what comes next) and filling the vacuum with partying... but don't demonise her by jumping to a conclusion that she's a baddun, and kick her out.

That's pushing her away from the life you want for her, and towards the one you don't.

Try to reignite her passion/direction without being too critical. Those walls go up quick and hard to tear back down.

Yes it's not necessarily the drugs that led to dropping out, it could be the other way round. Whatever it is she's obviously not a happy soul currently.

Startrekkeruniverse · 22/08/2023 23:36

You sound too nice OP. Even aside from the drugs there wouldn’t be a chance in hell
of my mum doing my washing if I wasn’t even bothering my arse to work more than a few hours. Time to read her the riot act.

SocialHistoryStereotypes · 22/08/2023 23:39

Overdemanding · 22/08/2023 23:25

I'm finding parenting young adults the hardest part of all. I don't think think people who say "come down hard" or "throw her out" have reached this stage. How will that help? You'll lose her and throw her into that other life.

I'd back off. Leave her to make her mistakes, make sure she knows you're there when she's ready (which she will be), don't fund her, but expect her to pay her way and do her bit at home.

I agree. The last thing I’d want is for my DC to end up on the streets, with no job prospects, and be tempted by even worse drugs.

twoandcooplease · 22/08/2023 23:40

It depends whether she has an addiction problem or is just being s 20yo

hownowbrowncw · 22/08/2023 23:54

twoandcooplease · 22/08/2023 23:40

It depends whether she has an addiction problem or is just being s 20yo

The way my mum handled it with me was wrong. I had an addiction but she saw it as me being selfish not following rules
Instead of trying to understand and help me she said she was disappointed, i wasn't the girl she raised, if I wanted to continue I should find somewhere else to be etc. that was it.
She then made home awful to live in with the silent treatment and going straight to her room after work not speaking to me, it pushed me to leave and go to the first person who would take me. Which was sadly a dv relationship with another drug taker but I couldn't leave because I had no home to go to. For 8 months I sofa surfed and drugs got dramatically worse
I won't go into any more in case it's not relevant. This is only relevant if your dd has an addiction problem.

If I could give my mum advice about how to handle what was going on with me at the time, I would tell her to sit down with me calmly, don't judge or jump to assumptions, try and understand why I'm taking the drugs, what is going on in my head that makes me feel like I'm not worth more than what I am doing. Remind me of my self worth and regularly speak to me about how I am doing
And arrange counselling and NA/rehab help

Overdemanding · 22/08/2023 23:58

hownowbrowncw · 22/08/2023 23:54

The way my mum handled it with me was wrong. I had an addiction but she saw it as me being selfish not following rules
Instead of trying to understand and help me she said she was disappointed, i wasn't the girl she raised, if I wanted to continue I should find somewhere else to be etc. that was it.
She then made home awful to live in with the silent treatment and going straight to her room after work not speaking to me, it pushed me to leave and go to the first person who would take me. Which was sadly a dv relationship with another drug taker but I couldn't leave because I had no home to go to. For 8 months I sofa surfed and drugs got dramatically worse
I won't go into any more in case it's not relevant. This is only relevant if your dd has an addiction problem.

If I could give my mum advice about how to handle what was going on with me at the time, I would tell her to sit down with me calmly, don't judge or jump to assumptions, try and understand why I'm taking the drugs, what is going on in my head that makes me feel like I'm not worth more than what I am doing. Remind me of my self worth and regularly speak to me about how I am doing
And arrange counselling and NA/rehab help

Show quote history

Would you have accepted that help or the counselling at the time?

This is what I'm trying to do with my 20yo son. AFAIK he doesn't have an addiction, but is having plenty of other destructive behaviours. I can't force him to accept help he won't engage with though.

Lavender14 · 23/08/2023 00:02

I'd tell her what you've found. Id tell her that you are really worried for her and id ask her what she thinks the reason she's using is. Then I'd give her options. I'd explain that this is your home and you're not happy with her bringing drugs home. Id tell her that you want her to stay with you but if she does, she attends counselling regularly, and an early doors addiction service (as in a service that works with early stages substance misuse) and that's the condition she stays in your house. I'd tell her that she's 20, the choices she makes now will determine who she is as a person and its time that she makes changes. I'd ask her what she wants for her future, what does she want to do, what's she passionate about. If she can't think of anything at all then I'd ask if she's maybe feeling low/depressed and arrange a gp trip.

Ultimately you can't force her to do any of this but you can place your own boundaries for the home in a caring way and the rest is up to her.

hownowbrowncw · 23/08/2023 00:18

Would you have accepted that help or the counselling at the time?
@Overdemanding
I wouldn't have accepted it the first time offered no. Because i denied I had a problem to her. The first time dm asked me to be honest, I wasn't (because, who wants to disappoint their mum) I didn't it was more than only the weekend

If I knew it was going to get worse and out of my control, and talking to someone to understand why I had substance abuse I absolutely would have taken it
I know now that's what I needed

OfMiceandWomen · 23/08/2023 05:33

Having being in this situation and worst with my adult child I sympathise with you. It has been a long hard journey this past few years that has has taken it toil on my health both physically and mentally.
We are now though in a better place and finger crossed they have managed to turn there life around.
Keep strong.