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Original poster

She's lovely and he's such a good Dad.

18 replies

StupidHip · 22/08/2023 18:08

A gossip conversation about some people my friends and I know.

The consensus was that she is a lovely woman, far too nice for him, but for all his faults he's a great Dad.

They got together as APs before the baby was born, carried on through the pregnancy, she baby sat on occasion (so knew about the wife and the baby) and then eventually he left when child was about 2yo.

Am I wrong to think you're not "lovely" if you've been carrying on with a married man with a pregnant wife/young child and you're not a great dad if you've had an affair through the pregnancy and early life of the child? I was once told the best thing a man can do for his child is to be good to it's mother. I'm not saying that means he has to stay if it's not working, but he has to treat her decently.

Or is life not that black and white? They're a popular couple, good company, attractive and I find myself distancing myself from them. They're just not people I want to get close to/spend a lot of time with.

OP posts:
Anothernamethesamegame · 22/08/2023 18:14

For their behaviour was shitty and it would suggest that they don’t have the best form in managing relationships. However, even good people sometimes make bad choices and I wouldn’t want to judge anyone on the basis of one thing I know about them. I wouldn’t want to be judged soley on the basis of the worst thing I did.

BounceyB · 22/08/2023 18:18

I believe even nice people mess up sometimes. The question is how they deal with their mistake and what they do to make things right.

In saying this, if I was the mother and I heard someone having this conversation I might feel very differently.

Original poster
StupidHip · 22/08/2023 18:24

I'm not sure a long term affair is one mistake though?

OP posts:
3dogsandarabbit · 22/08/2023 18:32

I don't think you should judge other people when you don't know the full facts. The only people who truly know what happened are the husband, his wife and the OW.

Daisy523 · 22/08/2023 18:35

No I agree with you. If you cheat on your partner, you’ve made a horrible mistake and you should feel bad

If you continue to cheat on your partner, opening them up to sexual diseases and emotional pain, as well as tearing your family apart in a way that WILL have a negative affect on your children, you’re a terrible person. If you carry on an affair with someone who has a family, you are also a terrible person.

A mistake is denting your car door against a tree. Carrying on a sexual relationship for months, even years, is a plan. You don’t accidentally have an affair. “Oh I accidentally fell on his penis.” “Oh, I accidentally got her pregnant while I should have been with my wife.” That doesn’t happen.

Good people do make mistakes. Bad people make mistakes and continue to make that mistake multiple times.

Whattodowithit88 · 22/08/2023 18:38

It’s not black and white. Good people mess up, some people are not meant to be together forever and with others, sometimes it’s also realistic to accept that one couple together from a young age until their dying days is something that’s near enough impossible these days, as people grow, they change, so it’s normal not to last forever and ever.

BibbleandSqwauk · 22/08/2023 18:40

I agree op. It's one (still fairly shitty thing) to have a brief affair and realise you're with the wrong person or a ONS but to have a years long affair and absolutely disrespect the wife by having the AP babysit is another level of deceitfulness and duplicity, on both their parts. On what possible level could there be any circumstances in which THAT particular scenario is excusable or understandable?

GarlicGrace · 22/08/2023 18:41

I dunno. Obviously, I know it's absolutely bloody awful to be the wife, even if she doesn't have children, and especially during the build-up when she can't be sure she hasn't become a possessive lunatic and her lovely husband isn't merely putting in extra hours at work. It is even worse if she has infants.

On the other hand ... every married couple I know, who started off as an affair, are happier than the broken relationship was. I include both of my own XHs in that; they and their wives are far better suited than we were. I don't imagine they got personality transplants, so they're probably still wankers, but the second wives seem to have been able to - umm, negotiate their relationships effectively. And all the men I'm thinking of are, quite genuinely, good dads.

People should admit to themselves and each other that their marriage isn't working well before starting an affair, and they should end it to set themselves free. But that isn't how it works, is it? We tell ourselves it's a sticky patch, everything's been too stressful, love will see us through, all relationships need work. Everybody we talk to says the same.

We blunder on, together but lonely, then somebody comes along who's just so much more 'right' for one of us. I'm by no means saying I approve of affairs, but I can understand them when the outcome is long-term. There's a period when neither affair partner wants to believe they're having an affair. Quite often they stop it, then re-start more cautiously in the knowledge that they are probably working towards the end of a marriage. It's messy ... and there isn't a right way to do this.

Original poster
StupidHip · 22/08/2023 18:42

Whattodowithit88 · 22/08/2023 18:38

It’s not black and white. Good people mess up, some people are not meant to be together forever and with others, sometimes it’s also realistic to accept that one couple together from a young age until their dying days is something that’s near enough impossible these days, as people grow, they change, so it’s normal not to last forever and ever.

I don't dispute any of that.

OP posts:
Daisy523 · 22/08/2023 18:44

I’m genuinely surprised to see many people defending the situation with “it’s not black and white” because it is?

Cheating = bad. Cheating for an extending period of time = very bad.

If someone is unhappy in a relationship, they should leave it. Or communicate with their partner to see if it can be made better. That’s the honorable things to do.

If your excuse for cheating is “well I wasn’t happy” or “well it wasn’t meant to be”, all I hear is “me me me”.

Mummy2mybear · 22/08/2023 18:49

Wow you seem so over invested in this couple. I have seen so many threads like this lately discussing other people's lifes and issue's that has really nothing to do with you, you sound envious of them for whatever reason. What gives you the right to create a thread about them it really is none of your business. Who needs enemy's with people like you.

Charrington · 22/08/2023 18:50

I agree op.

I value honesty, integrity and being honourable over the glossier social traits that seem to attract the kinds of comments you describe. Charm and physical attraction are talents but they doesn’t indicate strength of character or a moral compass. I’ve no idea why so many people conflate them, but they do.

GarlicGrace · 22/08/2023 19:11

Mummy2mybear · 22/08/2023 18:49

Wow you seem so over invested in this couple. I have seen so many threads like this lately discussing other people's lifes and issue's that has really nothing to do with you, you sound envious of them for whatever reason. What gives you the right to create a thread about them it really is none of your business. Who needs enemy's with people like you.

🤣🤣🤣 Over-invested? OP's hardly said she's losing sleep over it, has she?

She's got an opinion. She asked if other posters share her view or not. I hate to disillusion you, but this is what usually happens on internet discussion forums.

Other people's lives and issues have as much place in Chat as the price of takeaways and the funny things kids say.

Mummy2mybear · 22/08/2023 19:18

GarlicGrace · 22/08/2023 19:11

🤣🤣🤣 Over-invested? OP's hardly said she's losing sleep over it, has she?

She's got an opinion. She asked if other posters share her view or not. I hate to disillusion you, but this is what usually happens on internet discussion forums.

Other people's lives and issues have as much place in Chat as the price of takeaways and the funny things kids say.

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Yeah an opinion alright 🤣 you both need to get a life shame the people in question are not here to defend themselves you don't even know if its all fact proves how sad and unhappy some people are.

inamarina · 22/08/2023 19:37

Mummy2mybear · 22/08/2023 19:18

Yeah an opinion alright 🤣 you both need to get a life shame the people in question are not here to defend themselves you don't even know if its all fact proves how sad and unhappy some people are.

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Nobody on here knows who the people in question are though, so why would they need to defend themselves?

GarlicGrace · 22/08/2023 19:54

inamarina · 22/08/2023 19:37

Nobody on here knows who the people in question are though, so why would they need to defend themselves?

Show quote history

Hmm, has Mummy2mybear just outed herself?!

Mummy2mybear · 22/08/2023 20:00

GarlicGrace · 22/08/2023 19:54

Hmm, has Mummy2mybear just outed herself?!

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Haha 😄 yeah wouldn't that be entertainment.

BibbleandSqwauk · 22/08/2023 20:42

Ok, so @Mummy2mybear how would YOU defend this particular affair? Not any affair, but this one, that went on for years, openly flaunted in front of the wife while she was pregnant and parenting a baby? Genuinely I'd love to know what "grey area" or untold wife's story would make it ok? I've been both a cheat and cheated on. It's fucking horrible from ALL sides.

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