Autistic DS doesn't want me to share pictures of him with his NRP dad

[YellowChrysnthemum]

Autistic DS 12yo, very difficult relationship with his father (who hasn't lived with us for 7 years). Ds is very private, hates personal info about him being shared and struggles to trust people.
He vehemently doesn't want me to send his dad any pictures of him, so I don't. Dad thinks I'm the adult and I should just say 'tough - he's your dad so he can have pictures'

I don't think IABU to respect ds wishes about this. I do share info that dad needs to have. I'm interested in others opinions on it.

If dad wants photos, he can take them (with dc permission) on his contact visits. He's an adult...

At 12 I think DS should get to decide.

I think you’re doing exactly the right thing by respecting your DS’ wishes. His father is going to damage their relationship beyond repair if he tries to force the issue.

I think that you’re right.

I think that I’d respond to dad with something like “although you’re his dad and your relationship with him is your responsibility, I’m not willing to be involved in anything which I know will actively make it worse. If you want photos of ds then you need to ask him for them not me”

Ah good - that makes me feel better about my decision.

You are doing the right thing. Plenty of parents don't share photos of their DC because they are too young to consent (or not) themselves. Here your DC is clearly expressing they don't want you to, so it is absolutely correct to follow his wishes.

DH is a Scout leader and they have to ask permission over photos. Up to scouts, consent lies totally with the parents. But he strongly feels that when you get to Scouts (age 10.5) you are able to start voicing your own consent as a child as you can understand about whether you want your photo taken /shared or not. He thinks it's a good starting point on the issue of teaching consent to kids. Obviously if the parents say no, he has to say that's the decision but if the parents say yes but the kids say no, the child is verbalising a boundary. Overruling that and saying you don't have autonomy over your own image is no ok. And he sees it as his role to explain this to parents if there is a conflict over it.

Once you share a picture you lose control of it and it's good to have an understanding of that.

The issue you have here is whether if his father asks your son for photos whether he will go in aggressively demanding photos or whether he is respectful of his sons choice not to. So for that reason I wouldn't be saying to his father he should ask his son for photos because the power dynamic ends up being off.

@RedToothBrush you've hit the nail on the head. I need to act as a buffer between ds and his dad on issues like this because dad sadly does have the potential to go off on one about it and does have form for bashing on about his 'legal rights' instead of respecting ds boundaries about various issues - which is one reason why their relationship is so tricky and is very sad for ds, but I can't change the person his dad is.

You dh sounds awesome.

In terms of legal rights, children can start to voice whether they want to see a parent at a similar age.

So legally it's recognised that children have capacity over their own autonomy to a certain degree at this age.

That's something that you need to gently explain to your ex. That as your son gets older he gains more legal right to express his own boundaries which effectively take precedence over parental rights. There is a gradual change between the age of 12 to 16. It doesn't just happen at age 16.

This ultimately isn't about rights though. It's about respecting the wishes of his own child.

I think it might be worth saying to your son, it would be nice if he could do one photo for his father but if he really doesn't want to that's ok too. But I would make it clear (to protect your own arse from a litigatious ex) that you are willing to ask your son but you are not willing to force your son. And to express it in that way.

@RedToothBrush thanks for the good advice