Does this sound like masking, and if so how can I help myself?

[isthisnotjustanxiety]

I have a diagnosis of CPTSD, OCD, and panic disorder with agoraphobia.

I’ve had anxiety issues since I was very young, but significantly worse since I was a teenager. Now mid 30s.

I’ve had therapy numerous times, started being assessed for CBT a few weeks ago. Today I said my anxiety is always worst when I’m at home alone - after I go out for the day, or go to work, I come home and I’m almost hyperventilating and then dissociate totally for the rest of the day. It’s like I have to hold it in all day and can’t let it out, then as soon as I’m alone it explodes.

I am the same after a lot of socialising - I need time alone.

CBT therapist said she wondered what could be behind that, why I wouldn’t tell people, I said I wouldn’t because I’m worried about being judged, told off, people over reacting or being unhelpful. There are only 5-6 people I know who I’d feel fully 100% comfortable being myself with and even then I’d probably still automatically hold back as much as possible. I would usually leave it until it hit absolute crisis and would just hope that people could tell I was uncomfortable. Helpful, I know.

It’s only just occurred to me that it feels more like I’m masking when I’m in public and then having meltdowns when I get home.

Does that sound like masking? If so, what can I maybe do to make life easier for myself?

have you ever been assessed for ASD?
I work in this area and your presentation sounds very much like ASD

Never, no. I was diagnosed with dyspraxia at age 8 or so and again at age17, uni re-tested me before I started my first degree, but I’ve never been assessed for autism. Just handed lots and lots of MH diagnoses, handed a lot of meds and told that CBT/trauma therapy will help.

I’ve always found socialising very difficult. I can cope within my work rule, with a set role and expectations and I find it easy to people please - I know what I should say to make people happy in terms of clients. I work in healthcare. But I find friendships and relationships absolutely exhausting, it’s like everyone else was born knowing something I wasn’t told about.

Hi Op

You are right, the masking is the behaviour you show to others/ how you behave in public and the meltdown (response to that masking) is what happens when you get home/alone/safe.

and yes it is associated with Autism, esp in females, and they are under diagnosised often because they mask so well (eg copy others, learn and repeat behaviour/mannerisms, force physical responses or block them, wait to speak, remember to say hello, small talk, difficultly knowing and reading social cues)
im not an expert,

maybe help for you to identify what is more challenging for you? Exactly.
give yourself permission to list it all.

Really common for females to be misdiagnosed with mental health instead of Autism

sometimes the ‘mental health/ anxiety/ difficulties’ are because of masking/inability to cope with neuro-typical world/demands. It’s hugely stressful and difficult.

feeling odd/different is very common in autistic females too.

there are online tests that you might think about?

Very common to have more than one neurodivergent condition. Worth looking more into it. I have dyspraxia too and social interactions are exhausting. I am so glad I don't have to go out to pubs or parties any more and can pull the I have small children card. My short term processing is poor, so I can't remember the names of anyone I meet in a group, or easily follow any of the conversations. If I am away for a few nights with others, I usually try to find a reason to need an early night and escape, even with close friends and family. Not trying to make this all about me, just showing you that even if it is "just" dyspraxia, it can have a large impact. Much more than just a coordination issue!