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Original poster

I'm so unhappy with my life

17 replies

delilabell · 21/08/2023 05:03

I know their are people in far worse situations but I'm just so unhappy. One of my friends has just got engaged and msgd saying "I'm so happy" and it made me realise I can't remember when I last felt genuinely happy.
I've got dreadful anxiety that I changed medication for 3 months ago so I wonder if my brain's coming down from the high if that?
I wanted children for so long but my son has additional needs that affect the entire family and my daughter is 7 and still won't sleep in her own bed all night.
I have zero sex drive so haven't had sex with my husband for over 5 years. He does so much for us but is overweight and depressed and I just don't find him attractive.
I love my job but it's so poorly paid. I have a degree but in a subject that I don't work in anymore. I work term time only so I'm there for all the holidays but it's so poorly paid.
I feel stupid. I don't read anymore, I struggle to fill out forms. I used to be cleverer than this!
I don't even know why I'm writing this as its just a pile of self wallowing

OP posts:

WorseDecision · 21/08/2023 05:09

Need to work on getting your daughter into her own bed, no such thing as she won't. You're the parent you're just going to have to be very strict for a few weeks till she eventually gives in. Just tell her she's seven, she's to big to share! It'll give you & your husband at least a little normality back.

WellPlaced · 21/08/2023 05:21

Try not to see this as one massive problem. It’s lots of small things that you can overcome.

Start by writing down the positives in you life and your strengths. Focus on those and build on them. Write down the negatives you’ve listed and prioritise them.
Which is the simplest to change?
Use your strengths to improve that situation. It doesn’t need to be perfect, just better, with some acceptance that not everything can change.

Then move on to the next.

Small changes can make a massive difference.

StopStartStop · 21/08/2023 05:36

Small changes can help.

Don't turf your dd out of your bed - she needs the comfort of sleeping with her parents. Think globally, think in terms of human ancestry. Snuggling in by your adult is the way to stay safe.

Dispense with friends' lives - when they impact on yours, think 'That's you, not me' and focus back on your own life. Comparison is the thief of joy.

Not having had sex with your dh for over five years is a problem. Is there anything that could make you want him? If not, time to go your separate ways.

No sex drive is often solved by finding a new partner. So I've read on MN, anyway.

He is overweight and depressed. Not actually your problem but is he getting any help for those things? You aren't responsible for making his life right but as you live together for now, you might want to suggest he finds help.

Can you get a better paid job, or make your job pay more?

Feeling stupid etc is just a side effect of your circumstances.

Mentally note every tiny moment of happiness, contentment or satisfaction. There will be more than you think.

There are many ways forward. Take tiny steps.

WellPlaced · 21/08/2023 05:44

Keep coming back to this thread @delilabell

Having somewhere to talk will help change
Off loading and running will change nothing. You’ve taken the first step.

i disagree about dumping your DH. He sounds like a good man and you can support each other through this. Talk to him

Original poster

delilabell · 21/08/2023 05:50

He is a really good man. Our son has massively affected both our lives and caused a lot of the depression I think.
I don't feel clever enough to move jobs but I need to I think.
Everything just feels so jumbled and messy

OP posts:

JoeyJeremiah · 21/08/2023 06:04

WorseDecision · 21/08/2023 05:09

No such thing as she won't? You obviously don't have ND children.

WellPlaced · 21/08/2023 06:05

I’m surprised the pp said your DH being overweight and depressed isn’t your problem @delilabell

Do people just abandon their partners like that? Surely working through things together helps and creates a bond.

I know things are jumbled and messy but you can begin to untangle them. Can you get help with this? Show you’re in control by asking for help

Original poster

delilabell · 21/08/2023 07:41

I shouldn't have mentioned husbands weight it was cruel and hurtful

OP posts:

Xrays · 21/08/2023 07:45

delilabell · 21/08/2023 07:41

I shouldn't have mentioned husbands weight it was cruel and hurtful

You’re allowed to admit you don’t find your dh attractive because he’s put on weight. Stop beating yourself up. You’re human.

Missingthegore · 21/08/2023 07:52

You can't pour from an empty cup. Get to your GP for a full check up and tell them about the brain fog etc. Get a full MOT. Write down the list of symptoms before you go in and hand it to them so you don't get side tracked.
Once you are firing on all cylinders (or at least some more than now) start working through the other issues one by one. I promise you things like reading come back but our attention spans are so short these days with SM that it is a skill you have to relearn.
Find community supports for you and your son. Work on your relationship with your husband, even if it as little as dinner in the house just the 2 of you once the kids are in bed, once a week with no TV. Start talking as a couple and not about the kids. It will be hard as when you are stressed about everything else.
Then get your DD out of your bed.

This is months and months of work but just break it down and start with getting yourself in tip top condition to tackle the problems.

BCBird · 21/08/2023 07:57

I am overweight woman. I did not fund yiur comment about your husband's weight cruel. If this is a reason that you are not sexually attracted to him, u are merely stating a fact. I think having another child, even if ur sex life is rekindled woukd be a mistake, u have a heavy load as it is. Can you get life more on an even keel, by trying to get some childcare do you sb6d your husband can have some time together? A child free walk in the park ? A coffee out? I think your daughter shoukd be in her own room. Has she got friends or relatives get age who she can spend time with? If they have their own room she might learn from the example? As for feeling like your brain not being used, there are a lot of people who feel like this. If ur job doesn't give you intellectual stimulation then perhaps you could find something thst does? If you think about getting a better paid job, would it be more stressful and would the extra money be needed to pay for childcare? Good luck OP

Wisenotboring · 21/08/2023 08:21

That sounds really hard. Life can feel grueling with children at the best of times, but additional needs an make things so much harder...you're allowed to acknowledge that. Try and make some.small changed to begin with. Make it a target to do some exercise 3 times a week even if it's just a 15 minute stretching or yoga video on YouTube. Investigate options for building in some respite. Is it possible for your children to go to clubs or carers for your daughter. Regular days of alone time are so important. Set aside time once a day to sit and have a cup or tea with your husband. Phones away and have a proper chat. Maybe you could approach things that you are concerned about his health and ask how you can help him to build in some exercise. Visit the Dr to make sure you are OK medically. These are just a few ideas but might help to kick-start some further changes. Best wishes op, do come back and let us know how you get on.

WellPlaced · 21/08/2023 08:23

delilabell · 21/08/2023 07:41

I shouldn't have mentioned husbands weight it was cruel and hurtful

You’re allowed to say that.
It’s one of the things that’s attributing to how you feel. Go easy on yourself

ManchesterGirl2 · 21/08/2023 08:29

I agree with starting with some tiny changes. Its a lot of problems to solve all at once. What things lift your mood? Are there any small things that used to help, that you've got out of the habit of doing?

Original poster

delilabell · 21/08/2023 08:35

Thank you everyone for being so kind .
I wasn't very clear in my op. It's my son who has additional needs and my daughter who won't sleep in her own bed. Son is medicated to sleep 😆😳
My dd is very very clingy to me when she is with me but is fine when shes with others. I think its because she has to fight for attention. I'm so tired that when in asleep I don't always hear her so it's always my husband who has to go through to her and because he's so tired my husband let's her into our bed.

My parents collect them from school 3 days a week. They're old and my dad is frail so I don't like to ask them to do much. My husbands family are just rubbish.
I have a couple of friends who will look after them but both work full time so it's difficult to work everything around it.
I don't know who mentioned it but I definetly am not having another baby at any point. I know this would not be a good idea for our family.
I'm trying to fill out a form for a parent support charity to ask for help.

OP posts:

WorseDecision · 21/08/2023 08:52

@JoeyJeremiah actually I have a son with a moderate learning disability..... who slept in my bed till he was 8 till I went nuclear took us a few months but it worked!

Original poster

delilabell · 21/08/2023 09:31

She just shouts and gets upset if we say for her to stay in her own bed...I just don't know how to deal with it. We bought her a new bed, have a good bedtime routine bit she won't even go to sleep without us at the moment.

OP posts:

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