Mum's throw away comments still hurt me

[questionersquestion]

This is really stupid, I know it, but I just want to understand why it affects me so much.

When I was young mum always used to tell me my flaws. I had crooked teeth (two front ones, one still laps over the other, despite several removals and braces). I've noticed lots of people have this and no one even notices, but when I was young I was told not to smile.

I was told my bust was too large (and matronly), as soon as I reached puberty.

My nose was another thing that DM thought was wrong, she said it looked like a certain different race, was too wide, was like my paternal gm's nose and that I would need a nose job.

She would then talk about how amazingly pretty other girls were. I felt really, really insecure.

It's only now that I'm in my 50s, that I can look back and realise that actually I was at least as pretty, if not prettier, than others.

My lack of confidence made me prey for men who 'flattered' me. I was asked by some men to do 'photos' and I did. Mum wasn't happy about this, but I felt appreciated.

As I said this was a long time ago. I now have my own 13 yr old DD and I've always thought she was extremely beautiful and others have said so. Except I commented on FB that someone's granddaughter was stunning (she is), and DM phoned me to agree and tell me how beautiful this girl is, how lucky she is etc. I found myself unreasonably irritated. Of course she never put DD down, but I don't know why, but every time my DM tells me how pretty someone is, someone's DC is, how lucky they are to be so attractive etc, I just get those feelings of inadequacy again.

I know I'm unreasonable (which is why I haven't put this in AIBU), but I just wondered why I still feel this way, despite being so much older?

For full disclosure, I did suffer from anorexia as a teen, have self-harmed most of my life (stopping when I was in my 40s and saw mum less), and have bipolar. I'm also menopausal, so I guess that's got a bearing.

I also love my mum, so feel guilty for feeling this way.

You still feel this way, because those were the misogynistic and unpleasant scripts you grew up with, which formed your sense of self at a vulnerable age.

I still remember body-shaming things my grandmother said to me throughout my childhood, despite her having died in 1991.

Parents and grandparents didn't (and still don't sometimes) realise how what they think of as a throwaway remark can sting for years. I regularly had comments about being tall, skinny, small breasts - all said 'jokingly,' of course. And a comment a teacher made about me when I was 9 (and I'm now late 60s) still rankles.

Your mother doesn't deserve your love.
What an unspeakably cruel upbringing you've had.
Your mother has seriously damaged your mental health.
I wish I had her contact details !

Don't feel guilty of thinking like this about your mum. She was horribly unkind and nasty to say those things to you. You shouldn't be feeling any guilt at all. You were a child and she should have been your biggest fan, and told you how lovely you were, not find fault with everything about your appearance.

My Mother commented my appearance negatively throughout my childhood. As an adult I have realised that those comments were how she felt about herself. It made it a bit easier to bear. Could she be doing similarly?