Friend making me question my social skills

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We are away camping with some old friends who we’ve known for years, our closest friends. Years ago we were part of a larger gang who would go camping, and now one of those families regularly joins us. I generally enjoy their company and see them socially also. So six adults in total, 3 men and 3 women.

However I’ve started to notice that the newer woman constantly talks over me if I try and talk to any of the other adults in the group. I’ll start off a conversation about something and she has a knack of always bringing it back to her. She also interrupts and speaks over me, last night I had to raise my voice so that I could maintain the conversation I was having with someone else, and she raised hers even higher.

It sounds really petty but it’s really making me question my social skills. I end up just sitting there saying very little as there is no point speaking. I could do with some ideas about how to handle it as she is quite sensitive, so being direct will just end up in a row. Although I’m gearing up for it to be honest.

How do you mean, it’s making you ‘question your social skills’? It sounds as if she’s the one being rude…?

You should be questioning her social skills! Can you do something like put your hand up and say hang on a minute I'm still talking?

Sounds like she’s the one who should question her social skills if she’s interrupting & talking over you!

Next time, just say, ‘can I finish what I was saying please’ and carry on - make it clear she’s the one interrupting.

If it was me being interrupted I would turn and glare at her then go back to having the conversation with the other person or just say it's rude to interrupt, she'll soon get the message.

It’s not you, it’s her. And it is probably not just you, some people just use an already inflight conversation to bring it back to them.

I might just go to the other person & laugh saying ‘oh it seems x what’s to change the topic of conversation’ or ‘look whose joined in!’ Then walk off before she can respond so you avoid the row. Keep doing it until she gets the hint.

I had a friend like this - it was exhausting, constantly interrupting and not ever listening. Sometimes she would get really loud. And it would be more intense in front of new people or my other friends.

She was a very anxious person but it was hard to deal with especially as over time she became verbally quite aggressive.

Friend is rude. Politely ask her to stop talking over you and let you finish.

And 'sensitive and will end up in a row'? In other words she's a bully who treats people badly but doesn't like it when they defend themselves.

"As I was saying before..."

"To continue my point..."

"Back to what we were talking about before..."

OP there's lots of different ways to steer back the conversation, and which show up the bad behaviour without having to directly confront her too. Obviously "STFU" also works 😂

Well, that would hardly demonstrate good social skills, would it?

Exactly this.
It's definitely a type of behaviour of bullying.

If she were actually ‘sensitive’, she would be very aware of other people, and be highly unlikely to interrupt or talk over them.

I suspect by ‘sensitive’, you mean ‘reacts badly to criticism or correction’.

My sister does this all the time. I just raise my voice and carry on and if that doesn't work I say 'let me finish'. It normally works but doesn't stop her doing it the next time.

I do this. I speak over people and interrupt. I never know I'm doing it and only ever realise when someone (usually politely) points it out.

I'm therefore here to say, thus friend might not consciously be aware she's doing it in the moment. That doesn't make it less rude and bad mannered, but if you are then rude and bad mannered back, that wouldn't be an ideal way to solve it.

If it helps you understand - I'm worse when it's a subject I'm passionate about, in a setting where I feel more nervous and 'on show' than normal, or if I've has a couple of drinks.

The more people have pointed it out to me through my life, the more self-aware I have become. It means that I try to give active thought to the to-and-fro of conversation - in ways most people probably don't have to think about. Sometimes I slip up, but can easily correct myself when it's pointed out.

Therefore, I'd suggest you point it out directly to thus woman because she likely doesn't realise she's doing it. But no need to be rude. I prefer the direct responce of "Please don't talk over me...." then continue what you are saying (I'd then wait for you to finish, apologise and move on). Or "I was talking..." (interrupting me, when I interrupted you). These types of responses and clear, direct, give me a chance to apologise but don't need to change the tone of the conversation negatively.

Laughing at the posters who are instantly judging her as a bully. Most people like this don't actually realise how they come across. People with ADHD often interrupt others almost unknowingly, it's like a thought builds up in their head like a pressure cooker and they have to blurt it out otherwise they'll lose it.

My husband has an incredibly loud voice, in part due to his abnormally large lung size. He starts at a normal volume but as others start chatting around him he ramps the volume up because he thinks the other person won't hear him. He can get louder and louder to the point where everyone in the room is shouting to hear one another. I sometimes have to signal to him to reduce his volume and he's become good at responding to my hints but he genuinely doesn't realise it himself. Inside his head his voice sounds normal.

People with neurodiversity can become overly animated and excited about certain topics. Again, this is something they don't realise they're doing.

There's a lot of reasons why this person might be the way she is and it's highly unlikely to be deliberate bullying. What a ridiculous leap.

She has poor social skills - this sort of thing would be typical with someone who is ND (not saying she is) but she might not actually realise what she is doing or mean anything nasty by it.

In someone with ASD timing entering and leaving a conversation can be very difficult so you accidentally end up talking over someone, then you get so excited to make your point you end up talking more loudly and over them more just trying to get your point out because you're so excited to share it.

Bringing the story back to her is also typical - that is how people with ASD show empathy, they have been in that situation and tell you about their experience of it as a way of empathising/building connection. To people who are NT it can look like they're just wanting to making it all about them/want to talk about themselves.

ND people also often know if they don't make their point right away then they will end up forgetting what they were going to say or the conversation will move on and they won't get chance to say it, so can seem to just blunder in with it. Being very sensitive would also not be unusual.

Obviously it's quite possible that she's not a nice person, domineering, always a victim and wants to take over everything and exclude you from the group. It depends really on what you think her motivation and intention is.

Sometimes you have to fight dirty - not British I know.

Is this better? ‘ I say old girl, do you mind if I can say something or should I just keep quiet & let you monopolise the conversation’

Actually, yes, it is much better - barring the old girl bit. It’s clear, polite and to the point. And it’s not immature and passive-aggressive. No need for any fighting, dirty or not.

Laughing at the posters who are instantly judging her as a bully

Based in my case on the OP telling us that the friend is 'sensitive' and telling her to stop will lead to a row. I've talked over people, I'm aware I do, I try not to and if someone points it out I apologise. I don't use it as the basis for an argument over my behaviour, nor do I escalate like this:

last night I had to raise my voice so that I could maintain the conversation I was having with someone else, and she raised hers even higher

So she knew the OP was trying to talk and she thought HER conversation was more important.

Thanks everyone. It’s been helpful to read your responses. I’ve other friends who are ND and I can see some similarities in terms of struggling to know when to join in and also showing empathy by sharing experiences, but I’m not sure that’s the issue here. She doesn’t do it to our other mate.

There are some sly digs along the way also, and she does have a propensity towards drama.

You've encouraged me to be a bit more direct. I will try some of the more polite options when she next does it and report back!

If this woman is only talking over you OP, and not others, then I can see how this is really irritating.

I think people do this sometimes when they see you as an easy target to advance their own position in the group. I do think it’s a bullying tactic. When she starts talking over you turn to her, raise your eyebrows and raise your hand very slightly and just say “Sorry- one second please Jane.. thanks” then turn back from her and continue. Don’t hesitate. Do this a couple of times and she will stop.

If the word “sorry” has too many apologetic connotations to you (Where I live it is used as a way to politely get people’s attention, as well as an apology) then don’t use that word, maybe try “excuse me” or whatever would work for you, but deliver it quite flatly and clearly, no questioning inflection.

I think people do this sometimes when they see you as an easy target to advance their own position in the group

I had a colleague (same level as me) who very much fancied herself as pack leader and would do exactly this for this reason