44 not interested in sex - can I do anything?

[Redherrings79]

I'm 44 and have a 3 year old. Since having him I've completely lost my libido. At first I had some gynae issues after the birth and had to wait for a referral, diagnosis and effective treatment which took over 18 months. Since then I've been okay physically but just not felt up for it. I often feel tired at bedtime and my child is a very challenging (but gorgeous) 3 year old, plus I don't have any support apart from my husband so I do get exhausted.

I wish I could get my mojo back though and feel like sex more. I love my husband and I do fancy him but I am just uninterested in sex. I've tried to compromise as it's totally unfair on my DH and he was considerate and supportive throughout the gynae issues. However he would like sex every single night, and he would also like it more exciting - various positions, oral, etc.

I can just about manage missionary or on top a few times a week on a good week but it's obvious I'm not really into it. Some weeks it ends up being only one time as I'm so tired. My husband has expressed that he needs more and I want to be able to meet his needs, at least 75%, if not all.

I don't want to hurt him and I do love him, and obviously it's nice when you feel like sex! Is there anything I can do or take to increase my libido?

You could be perimenopausal which is a killer for the sex drive. Try supplements or hormonal treatment? The coil is supposed to be good for balancing you out without affecting sex drive too much. But honestly…. Exciting Sex several times a week in your 40’s with a three year old!? That sounds very ambitious based on my own and my friends experiences. Maybe your husband just needs to chill out a bit!

Thanks for your reply. If it was peri and I was prescribed HRT - isn't that supposed to kill libido even more?

HRT is supposed to give your your sex drive back, especially if you get testosterone prescribed as part of it. However, I’ve been on it years now and it’s made no difference to me at all. Personally I suspect it’s more the gyne issues and the change in your lifestyle with having a young child that’s to blame. I have bladder issues and other health issues and it’s completely and utterly put me off. I don’t know what the answer is because I’m 43 and I just won’t have sex I don’t want. I feel very much like I want my body to myself, I don’t want to be messed about with anymore. I’ve had enough of that with the various medical things I have going on. I can see that dh is much like your dh and still wants a physical relationship so I don’t know where that leaves us. It’s hard.

Hrt including testosterone is supposed to help with libido, but can take a few months to get going. I’m still waiting for it to take effect!

@Xrays that sounds very similar to how I feel. I really want to find a solution. I don't understand - it's so easy for men and if they need to they just take viagra!

@Helenahandkart I would be really interested to hear if you get any improvement in your libido. Does the testosterone affect you in any negative ways?

So far I’ve sprouted one dark hair on my upper lip (after taking testosterone for 4 months) and that’s the only discernible effect. The GP said 6 months.

@Helenahandkart oh, that sounds minimal! 6 months is a long time to wait isn't it.