I feel like I'm watching someone die in slow motion

[PurpleSky300]

I am struggling to know how to help my Dad.

He is 55, quite frail. He is an alcoholic and keeps getting into trouble at work for not following instructions, making mistakes, damaging equipment, taking too much sick leave, etc, etc. He’s got nerve damage and is always spraining muscles and having falls - which leads to more sick leave - and the problems just mount up. He is paranoid and falls out with people. He doesn’t eat much so he gets thinner and thinner.

He can’t cope in his job, he can’t afford to retire, his house is basically falling down. I feel like I’m watching someone deteriorate and the only thing that will stop it is some kind of enforced “drying out” like a long hospital stay or even prison. I’m not joking when I say that something like that might actually save him, because things are just getting worse and worse. A fool could see that he’ll eventually get sacked, maybe lose his house, things will get desperate, he won't live a long life. I don’t know what to do for the best.

I’m so sorry, this must be incredibly difficult. I don’t really know that there is anything you can actually ’do’. Alcoholics cannot be helped unless they have made a decision to stop drinking. It’s up to you whether you continue to support your Dad (whether that support is emotional/practical/financial), but you would also be well within your rights to step back or go low/no contact, as painful as that might be for you both.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Are there any medical professionals involved with your dad? Does his work have an occupational health department? Most importantly, does he want to stop drinking?

A horrible situation and I'm sorry that you are going through this. My father did stop drinking after he was hospitalised but there is nothing you can do to influence him getting there or what he does next.

I do recommend Al-Anon for you to get some support for yourself.

He's on light duties due to the nerve damage. His employer did once help him to access alcohol support but he never took it seriously - turned up, completed some drinks diaries or whatever and then threw it away when he got home. He treats booze like most people would treat an arthritic knee - a non-negotiable thing, it's not going to change, things will work around it rather than it around them. What I'm struggling with most is having to see it - the physical decline, the sallowness, he can't express his thoughts clearly. Absolutely everyone knows how this story ends and he even jokes about it but watching is just something else. I just want to run away at times.

I’m really sorry to read this. My dad isn’t an alcoholic in that scale, although he did drink too much while he was well enough. He neglected himself in general, house, nutrition, refused to take essential medication, refused to go to hospital. I ended up making a safeguarding referral to SS (he’s in his 80s). It got worse as he lost capacity and I’m now NC, for many reasons which go back to childhood. It breaks my heart as I so wanted to save him but I couldn’t (I’m an only child). He’s now in a care home and has lost capacity due to his self-neglect (refusing to use oxygen so he now has hypoxic brain degeneration). It’s been devastating to watch. I wish I could say something more positive but like PPs, I’d really be out you to get support from AA or some counselling. I went to my GP and she was wonderful. They’ve all encountered that kind of person and know how damaging it is for families. Solidarity and flowers 💐

*really encourage

You can't help him. Brutal but true.

All you can do is decide if you want a front row seat to watch his demise.

And it's OK to decide that you don't.

It is exactly like watching a slow-motion death. Other PP are right though. There is nothing you can do. As the mantra goes, you didn't cause and can neither control nor cure. His drinking is entirely up to him and the likelihood is that things will get worse. A hospital stay probably won't help as he will get out of there as soon as he's able to get back to the alcohol and the staff will be happy to see him go. My DH was in intensive care for a period but still went back to drinking as soon as he was able to discharge himself. Alanon can provide useful support for you. It is so painful and I am so sorry.

This is my dad but he's 20 years older. A lifelong alcoholic, it's a miracle he's got as far as he has relatively unscarred but, as with your dad, the problems are now coming thick and fast.

I can't offer any advice apart from to simply make sure he knows he's loved and whatever but otherwise detach as much as you can because you can't stop it from happening.

Is a horrible situation. Watching your parents self destruct is awful and I send you hugs.

Thank you everyone. It's a pretty grim scenario. At 55 he is only just old enough to access his pension and that might be an option if he can't work or loses his job, but he'd need to stretch the money further. I've tried to explain that legally, you can't just access it immediately because you need to seek out a financial advisor and talk through options etc but it's like I'm speaking a different language. He thinks it's all too complicated. Ugh.

I would get some advice from somewhere like age uk or CAB, if your dad went long term sick he may be eligible for ESA and other benefits due to incapacity.

I'm sorry OP but there really isn't anything you can do apart from give him advice.

He is killing himself and he knows it. The booze comes first, always.

As a pp has said, can you bear to watch? It would be entirely understandable if you walked away from him to protect yourself.

He will probably end up homeless and on the streets. Please don't sacrifice your life to try and stop that happening.

Is your Dad neurodiverse? Is he using alcohol for dopamine? Has he ever taken antidepressants?

Not that I know of. He has been drinking and using cannabis since he was 15/16, so it's hard to imagine that the problems that he has now (paranoia, neuropathy, hypertension etc) aren't linked in some way to it. Some symptoms like the falls and tremors definitely are. Outwardly he seemed to be unscathed for many years, it was normal to him, and now the wheels are coming off the bus so to speak.

Daughter of an alcoholic here. As others have said, you can't do anything about it and it's your choice whether you want to watch. You don't have to and you should protect your mental health and your family. BTW alcoholics can be very resilient - especially if they have people looking after them - so it may take decades. Mine lived to 80. Look at Ozzy Osbourne or Shane McGowan. You need to put yourself first.

Resurrecting this thread tonight because it's been one year, I've just come back from another 'conversation' and we're just no further forward. Miraculously my dad still has a job, but has had to take a pay cut and do a different role. He says he doesn't have enough money to live on, needs a new bed, washing machine, TV etc but can't afford to replace them. His house is in a bad state of repair, and it must be really bad because he won't let me visit to see it. He's thin as a rake, unshaven, sometimes turns up with stains on his clothes or dirt under his fingernails. He has lost a lot of his teeth. He's spending upwards of £700 per month on booze and cigs. He will not use the Internet to do any 'life admin' so everything, everything is a laborious process.

I'm just venting now but I don't know what to do for the best. I earn well and I could bail him out and buy what he needs but part of me is saying 'what for?' What do you owe him? He has always been like this'. But I know deep down that if I don't help and he gets desperate, then his Mum will bail him out and I don't think that's fair because she's nearly 90. She's absolutely astonishingly fit, well and sharp for her age too so I know she will be saying "Why don't you help your dad" and then I will feel bad. I don't feel like any option I have is particularly desirable.

I am Sure you have thought of all the following but just putting this out there

Do you have power of attorney. This needs to be in place
Can you raise a safe guarding with social services for self neglect
Would he sell and down size or rent.

Can you apply for PIP. If he can medically retire. And claim This might give him enough to live on?

I'm sure you have done more than enough. This is not something I have experienced but I can say this is his circus. Please look after yourself

I honestly don't think you should step in at all. Your father is responsible for his own well being and has prioritised smoking and drinking above everything. He's probably damaged his brain and that can't be reversed.
This sounds brutal but you must step back.

Unfortunately sometimes there is nothing you can do but watch. I watched my Dad decline over years, slowly watching his world get smaller. In the end he had a heart failure but he basically starved and drank himself to death. I tried everything, he didn't want any help. I chose to stay in contact with him and be there for him to some extent. I sometimes look back and wonder if I could have done more but I know I couldn't have really, or at least I know it wouldn't have made any difference. I am sorry you are going through this, it's shit.

To try and help his financial situation, I drew up a 'budget' of current income and outgoings. Even with frankly phenomenal amounts spent on booze, cigs, takeaways etc, he still has around £300 per month disposable income. In my mind, that should be enough to save something but it doesn't seem to be.

Even simple things are an absolute saga.

Eg. if the house is full of broken furniture and white goods, start by getting a skip to get rid of it all? But no - doesn't have the right phone number to ring for one, doesn't know who to ring, doesn't like speaking on the phone, can't lift things to move them into a skip, there isn't space outside the house, and it all costs too much etc, etc. And then 10 years passes and there's twice as much broken crap as there was before, piling up in every room, making it harder and harder to keep things clean.

So I held out for 2 weeks and now DGM (his Mum) has come to the rescue. Saying helping him is better than sitting and worrying about whether to help or not, and we all have our problems, and drinking is what he enjoys, etc etc. I'm not sure if she just doesn't see the reality or if she'd rather throw a bit of money at it and not hear about it anymore, and I wouldn't blame her for either option really. I said that she shouldn't have to pay for this stuff, she said - 'I'd rather pay it now and be useful than wait until I've conked out and just hope he gets some help then.' I get the sense she thinks I should help him more and is worried that he will deteriorate when she's gone, but at the same time she won't properly acknowledge the drinking. Ugh.

That's so difficult for you @PurpleSky300 .
I get frustrated by the retort that oh he enjoys a drink, it's so much more than that and very damaging to the person who drinks and those around him.
Don't let your GM emotionally blackmail you.

I'm really sorry you are going through this OP - alcohol addiction is so cruel. If he can't bear to contemplate a life without alcohol, there is little you can do to help him, but he knows you want to and that is something.