Why did I let others tell me who I was ???

[almondflake]

I was stood in front of my clothes this morning ,a menopausal 59 year old feeling achy and fat , definitely feeling my age today ,when I thought why have I let other people, strangers to me , tell me what I am ?
This all started at junior school being moved by my teacher for copying because the girl I was sat next to wanted to sit next to someone else that day .
At 13 stood in a modelling agency dragged along by a friend being told I had a bit of a tummy , to high school being reserved and shy but being labelled as a snob . All through my life I have tried to be a people pleaser and the one person I've not pleased has been me . Brought up to be nice and not make a fuss .
Where are the boys that shouted " nice tits ,shame about the face " the boy at a friends party that looked me up and down then walked off leaving me alone on the dance floor ?
I would so love to be as fat as my ex husband said I was when I'd just started to go out with him ,I was 19 years old with a 24 inch waist .
I made myself into a pliable woman that couldn't express her feelings and views in case they upset anyone .
All these people that have had an opinion about me are not in my life anymore yet they have shaped who I am and they probably don't even remember my name .
I have come out the other side but sometimes it really annoys me that I let them effect me .
Rant over thank you if you got this far . I hope you all have a lovely day ,😊

Fuck 'em. Absolute tossers who don't know the first thing about you.

It's never too late to choose yourself.

Have a GREAT day, OP. With love from a menopausal sister

It’s never too late to find your voice and tell the world to fuck off. You do you. What will make you happy? Make a list and then tick it off one by one. Hope you have a lovely day too!

I'm 59, too, and feel so similar. Had a lot of grim experiences growing up and became well...not a good person for many years.
I think our generation of women just accepted it - we were almost the last to feel we had to be what people (men) said we were.
I'm now, after therapy, giving up drinking, and getting away from jobs and people who made me feel rubbish, actually liking myself - yep, dumpier, a bit wrinkly and a bit more grumpy - but bloody standing in for myself and being happy in the moment.

It's been hard but we will all get there !

It's so hard isn't it? But I bet you've never made anyone feel as bad as that. These nasty scumbags will leave the world leaving so many bad memories for the people they've hurt and belittled. You've lived your life as a nice, decent person and people will have benefited from that. I always remember the people who've been kind or nice to me. I had similar experiences as you when I was young and I'm still glad that I'm the person I've been rather than a horrible bully.

Totally understand @almondflake i feel exactly the same way. All my childhood I was told "other people know better than you" "shut up, no one is interested in anything you've got to say" and that stuck with me leading to confidence issues for a long time.
It's only recently that I've found the ability to answer up for myself, defend my corner and feel able to do what I want to do, not what I'm told.

My parents laughed at me at 15 when I expressed my ideas for my career, they refused to let me go to college to get the qualifications to see if I could progress it and forced me to leave school and get an office job so I could start contributing to the household. Not what I wanted to do at all (office work). This was mid-1980s!

I feel that somehow I got labelled as a nobody as a baby and it's hard to rip that label off!

Standing by you sister. You're absolutely right. I hope you enjoy this new chapter of your life!

I feel you're Anne elliot, but mumsnet is your Wentworth

Recovering People Pleaser here 👋

I’ve started processing my past and practicing being more assertive but every now and then my mind will flash to a time to when I was steamrolled into doing something to my detriment and I get so angry.

Angry at them, angry that when I did speak up I was accused of overreacting and really angry at myself for not being confident enough to stand up for myself at the time. I was so committed to keeping others happy and being the ‘good girl’ that I wasted myself.

I had to take photocopies of my old qualifications and I had such good grades. I really wished I had some encouragement and had my confidence boosted to achieve more instead of doing the ‘right thing’ (for other people). I wish I wasn’t so scared when I was younger and strived for things.

Thank you for all the wonderful comments and support . I'm thinking that it must be a generational thing , I've always been one to keep the peace and let others have their way first . With all that I've managed to bring up 2 daughters without shifting my issues onto them , my eldest is so kick ass and will not stand for any shit but is the kindest gentle soul and my youngest will never be put down .
Thanks again , you're all so amazing with your own stories . Hope you all have an amazing day 🤩

I'm 58 and feel exactly the same. I wish I'd had my lightbulb moment decades ago. I still feel people are trying to force me into the role they choose for me, the one that invariably benefits them, and it's so hard to fight it and the associated feeling of injustice.

You could be right about it being a generational thing almondflake.

One advantage about growing older, you learn to please yourself and not others.

@Xeren I think you're right when you say scared , do you think it's because we think we won't be liked anymore and does it really matter if these people don't like us .
I'm finding it easier now I get older to stand my ground, I wish I'd learned all this 30 years ago .
I do like the person I am and the life I have now but I feel I could have had it earlier if I'd have been more real

Oh definitely! I recently noticed that I don’t feel much and assumed that it was contentment, but I was unable to regulate my emotions. I realised that I was suppressing my feelings and every now and then they would just spill out, and when that happened I just didn’t know how to handle it.

Once I started tapping into my feelings, I realised that I felt scared A LOT for expressing myself (guilt, shame, worried about hurting others). It was really eye opening.

Also scared trying different things or going outside my comfort zone because it was drilled into me that I was the was quiet ‘good girl’. I was praised for doing the sensible thing, not what I wanted.

I remember when I finally moved out, some of my family admitted that they thought I wouldn’t be able to cope and would move back within 6 months - I never went back!

I know what you mean about knowing earlier. I think about feel the life I could have had, even though overall I’m very happy with my life and am blessed. It’s essentially a grieving process.

That’s so wonderful to hear. I really started to change and reflect after I became a mother because I didn’t want my DC to be a people pleaser like me, or dismiss their needs over others (which happened to me).

It’s really great to hear that you’ve raised two confident girls!

I’m 50 and haven’t had the career I wanted because I was so badly affected and still am by my father and ex - getting better though and a survivor xx

I'm glad you're getting through it @Duchessofspace . I believe there was a lack of strong women and role models in that era for me that made me believe I was lesser than others .
I went from my fathers house to a girls school that men were in charge of to the marital home where my husband said what was what , I just believed that others knew better than me and that I was totally insignificant with no voice .
Like others have said , if I voiced my opinion I was kicking up a fuss or making a show . I'm so glad that things are changing and girls feel just as valued as boys .