I want to be his wife

[SeekingContentment]

Preface: it’s not ‘that’ serious. I’m reflecting and not about to ‘LTB’ if he doesn’t marry me. I trust DP with my soul.

And yes I will ‘just talk to him’, but I can’t un-ring that bell so I want to clarify my feelings first. Seeking opinions helps me do that.

So here goes…

I’ve been in a happy relationship with DP for 8yrs, we have a 3 yr old DD.

Although I’m perfectly content (and I mean that, I love our life), the idea of marriage occasionally pops into my head and it saddens me. I get that it’s 2023 and no stigma about being unmarried.

But I want to be his wife. I’d love it to be his choice, not out of pressure. The romantic ideal of him proposing matters to me. I want the marriage, could take or leave the wedding part.

I’m not English and being ‘the wife’ is a powerful thing in my culture. But we don’t live in my culture so I get that it may be a bit silly, it’s just how I feel. DP is English.

So there’s no drip feed, here’s context:
I’m a SAHM and freelance occasionally. We have a number of things in place so I’m not financially vulnerable. DP is not only fair but quite generous (considering some stories I’ve read on MN)! He does his fair share of parenting outside of work hours too, he’s a great dad. He says he thinks I’m a great mum and is forthcoming with praise. I feel very lucky.

I was raised by a single mum, absent dad. I have siblings by a different dad, my relationship with him was strained but it’s now fairly balanced in adulthood. They never married and haven’t been together since my siblings were little, but get on-ish. I’m very close to my mum and siblings. DP gets on with them too.

DP had a traditional upbringing. Married parents, 2 kids. Happy and secure. He says he’s grateful to have had such a stable home.

I’m not naive. I know my feelings stem from childhood. Also some childhood trauma I won’t get into. DP knows about it all.

We’ve had a light hearted chat in the past and I think/hope he knows it’s something that matters to me.

The question isn’t so much WHY I feel this way. I know why. The question is HOW do I feel happy with where I am?

Life is good. Why do I need more? If I need more now, will I always need more?

But he’s never asked. Am I not good enough to be his wife?

Does it matter?

When will enough just, be enough?

(That was a long a*s essay, thank you for making it this far)

((NC because I don’t want to link to posts that could be outing))

I was with my DH for 12 years before we got married and had a 4 year old. I guess slightly different in that he proposed a few years ago but for various reasons a wedding didn't happen till a few months.

You've been with this man for a long time, you have a life and a child together, just talk to him. You might be surprised he might just have no idea it's important to you. It doesn't make it less romantic. A wedding day is often a grand gesture for everyone else, what matters is how you are day to day. But I totally understand the desire to be married. I've felt very at peace since he is officially my husband. Talk to him x

Thank you for replying @bryceQ. I will definitely talk to him soon, I just wanted to get my thoughts straight before I did.
I’m so glad you found your peace with your DH x

It's ok to want to be married. It doesn't make you "uncool " or "old fashioned".

You know you need to talk to him. You just need to find the words to say that this matters to you, and you would like him to respect that.

You absolutely should talk to him about it. Romance, historical implications or whatever, a marriage is the most serious and intimate equal partnership you enter and it should be as a result of conversation and decision between two equal partners.

I must admit, I hate the proposal narrative as it does assume that the woman is waiting eagerly and the man eventually decides and that doesn't feel like the kind of equal consideration of needs I was after. DH and I agreed to get engaged for practical reasons - but also because we wanted to be married to each other and have that public declaration of that relationship in a romantic way.

Just because its practical and sensible doesn't make it unromantic by default. Of course you can have a very unromantic version if you like (I know people who described the officiation of their marriage as like going and paying council tax!) But it isn't unromantic because you've talked about it.

I wonder how much of his not thinking of it is that it wasn't a consideration when he was a child (like when people grow up with money they don't tend to think about it). Or he might assume that you don't want marriage due to your family background? Or just might not have thought of it.

But it's important to you then its important, it's not only important if its important to him

Definitely just talk to him and be honest. I think it's pretty old fashioned and very uncommon for men to just propose these days without it being discussed before. Especially when you already have a child.

How would you feel about proposing to him?