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DH depression is going to end our marriage

16 replies

sadtimes78 · 16/08/2023 20:34

DH has always suffered on and off. He's tried SSRIs, other anti DPs like Prozac, multiple types of counselling. He's ok on and off. Once every year or so he'll hit a huge down patch.

When he's down he goes literally catatonic. Doesn't move or speak most of the time when he's struggling. All he can see is darkness and self hatred. Sometimes he hits himself. He's punched holes in walls and doors before.

To clarify he's never once laid a hand on me. He's barely ever even shouted at me. It's all turned inward on himself.

He's often told me to leave him. That he's a terrible person, that he's ruining my life. That he wants me to leave so I can be happy.

Most of the time he's a lovely funny kind person and my best friend. But when he's like this he's a stranger.

I'm absolutely terrified and devastated. He's my favourite person in the world and I love him so much. It's just destroying me seeing him like this.

He's spent so much of his life trying medications and going to counselling. He's not willing to do it anymore.

OP posts:
MyMonkeyDanced · 16/08/2023 20:50

Hi. Sorry you’re going through such a tough time. My OH is similar however the depression has really taken hold the last 14 months.. Yesterday whilst I was at work he rang me threatening to harm himself because he does not feel life is worth living and doesn’t want to be a burden on me. Then other times he is almost resentful that I am not in the dark place with him. It is hard to be there watching the person you love most being in the place where you just can’t reach them.
My only advice to you is to try and hold on to the good times. And look after your own wellbeing.

sadtimes78 · 16/08/2023 21:00

I'm so sorry. It's terrifying isn't it.

I can't imagine ever being without him, but it's soul destroying to watch.

How do you function day to day? I had to call in sick to work today because I was such a wreck.

OP posts:
Lucy377 · 16/08/2023 21:14

At what point would you take him to hospital?
Or do you know what that point is?

When is the last time he saw his psychiatrist?

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stbrandonsboat · 16/08/2023 21:19

He needs to see a psychiatrist. Does he normally just see a GP?

sadtimes78 · 16/08/2023 21:21

Lucy377 · 16/08/2023 21:14

At what point would you take him to hospital?
Or do you know what that point is?

When is the last time he saw his psychiatrist?

He will absolutely not go to hospital. I don't know how I'd force him. He's a foot taller and 6 stone heavier than me.

I've said about calling the nhs MH crisis team. He simply wouldn't speak to them. I think he'd just walk out of the house.

I'm not sure he could be sectioned. He's not self harming like cutting or taking drugs. He's just given up. Won't talk to anymore psychiatrists or counsellors.

OP posts:
sadtimes78 · 16/08/2023 21:24

stbrandonsboat · 16/08/2023 21:19

He needs to see a psychiatrist. Does he normally just see a GP?

He's seen psychiatrists, several counsellors, his GP. He's completely given up now. Won't engage. Tried lots of different medications.

I either stay and accept that this is part of him and happens periodically, or I leave the man I love, we have bugger all equity in the house, not enough to buy separately. And not enough to rent.

We'd basically both have to move far away from our friends and family to a cheaper area.

OP posts:
MyMonkeyDanced · 16/08/2023 21:24

My OH asked me the same question this morning “How do I get up and keep going each day?” I don’t know to be honest… for me it is the feeling that I need to keep strong for him and for our DC. I think of myself as the anchor they can hold onto. I also have good people who know when I say my DH is not well, I must be struggling and rally around me. I do not discuss my DH depression unless it is really bad. Appreciating the good things help too. I take time to work on my own well-being daily- even if it just for 5 minutes and view his depression as an unwanted guest. It is not him, it is that annoying friend who just won’t leave!

NeverDropYourMooncup · 16/08/2023 21:26

If he won't engage and thinks you should go, then surely he should be the one leaving?

He's not exactly volunteering for a bedsit, is he?

BadgerFacedCoo · 16/08/2023 21:29

There's no right or wrong here. It's up to you how you proceed. Mental health is complicated and I have a lot of sympathy for someone who has tried it all and not founds their solution, also a lot of sympathy for the family shouldering everything else while these episode occur.

If you need to leave for YOU, leave. It's okay not to choose this life.

If you can stand by him and shoulder these burdens with him, don't let anyone tell you you shouldn't. Him included.

You can't control this but you get to choose your own path.

AfraidToRun · 16/08/2023 21:32

It's OK to say you can't watch him suffer anymore. I had a MH condition lasted 10 years on and off (did put me in hospital) and my partner said he didn't know if he could stand by and go through it all again. It was a wake up call for me to try something different, I sought private therapy (NHS short term therapy had never worked). I've been in recovery for many years now. It was quite possible that I could have stayed unwell I don't think my partner would have left, he just needed to know I was going to do absolutely everything I could even if I didn't feel like it to make meaningful changes to my life. If he had left I would have understood.

Please check in with your own GP if you find that it's becoming very difficult. My local GP surgery had a carers support group and the samaritans are always there for you too.

TinkerbellefromYorkshire · 16/08/2023 21:43

Andys Man Club? One in every area..
First step through the doors on a Monday at 7pm and it won't be his last.. he's nothing to loose but perhaps loads to gain.
It's saved many men that l know.

tt9 · 16/08/2023 22:18

this sounds so incredibly difficult. don't know what advice to give you. is there anything that triggers his worse episodes?

Thistlelass · 16/08/2023 23:37

He sounds as if he may have bipolar disorder if going down with depression so frequently. If he is he may well need a mood stabiliser as well as the AD.

sadtimes78 · 17/08/2023 15:08

Thanks so much for your messages. Yes I agree it may be BPD and he may benefit from a mood stabiliser.

But how to get him to do that? He never wants to try any meds or counsellors again, nothing works and he's given up. I feel completely powerless. He's depressed but he's also very very stubborn. He's not someone who can be convinced to do anything. I've begged him.

OP posts:
tt9 · 17/08/2023 16:24

@sadtimes78 unfortunately the system won't do anything until he is at risk. one other (extreme but effective) option is ECT which has good results in refractory depression with catatonic elements.

I really hope things start to get better for him and for you

Escapetothecountryplease · 17/08/2023 16:54

I'm so sorry to read this. I was an exactly the same situation a little while back. I had seven years of being the one constantly trying to find a solution to fix him while he had no motivation at all to do so. Even our darling children didn't seem to be enough to bring him out of his fog and find a desire to move forwards. Best lack of motivation and lack of help seeking behaviour is a symptom of his depression.

I found great solace in the books living with a black dog, and I had a black dog. They are cartoons albiet adult ones, But I used them to help the children understand.

One from The perspective of the sufferer and one from the perspective of the carer- which you are, so you are entitled to non mean's tested carers allowance, a carers assessment of your own well-being needs. Regardless of being a carer status, you are allowed to talk to the GP about him, although your GP will not be able to talk to you about him if that makes sense as it would break confidentiality. My lovely GP would regularly slightly twist the system and contact my husband directly on the made up excuse of a meds review or similar, after I had told him what was going on.

Also the heart centred women's guide to boundaries. This really helped.. and helped me realise that it was not my job to fix him. And Glennon Doyle Untamed have me strength to lead my life, not his.

I did leave him, despite loving him, and I'm happy now, and so are the kids. Counselling has been really helpful to gain clarity of my thoughts and build me up, it's been such a difficult time. We're still really close and I would still consider myself his carer as he doesn't have anyone else looking out for him. He still has power to bring chaos and stress to us.. but I now feel in control of the day to day, and have found so much peace. I've been on a few dates even and to my amazement these people are really interested me! When I believe he was only really interested in himself and his misery for years.

If you hunt Mumsnet, there are many similar stories to yours.

I wish you all the best, this is a hard place to be, make sure you look after yourself. 😘

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