DH has always suffered on and off. He's tried SSRIs, other anti DPs like Prozac, multiple types of counselling. He's ok on and off. Once every year or so he'll hit a huge down patch.
When he's down he goes literally catatonic. Doesn't move or speak most of the time when he's struggling. All he can see is darkness and self hatred. Sometimes he hits himself. He's punched holes in walls and doors before.
To clarify he's never once laid a hand on me. He's barely ever even shouted at me. It's all turned inward on himself.
He's often told me to leave him. That he's a terrible person, that he's ruining my life. That he wants me to leave so I can be happy.
Most of the time he's a lovely funny kind person and my best friend. But when he's like this he's a stranger.
I'm absolutely terrified and devastated. He's my favourite person in the world and I love him so much. It's just destroying me seeing him like this.
He's spent so much of his life trying medications and going to counselling. He's not willing to do it anymore.