Help me decide if I should move

[LylaLee]

We live in town A. My marriage has broken down. My daughter finishes school in 2024, so I can wait it out.

We own our house with a mortgage. I'm not working, partly due to mental health problems (depression), largely caused by emotional abuse from husband (nothing physical).

Town A is about 40 minutes by fast train from London. It is a 15 minute drive to big city 2, and a 1 hour 30 min drive/1 hr train to Birmingham.

I'm involved in a couple of hobbies here, and have only a couple of friends whose houses I visit here.

My mother, sister and a few other relations live in Birmingham.

I don't have a great relationship with my mother - she's a stately homes type. But she's in her late 60s now and has had a few health problems.

My sister has 3 kids and is an on again off again relationship with their dad.

I have a few other relations there.

Should I move to Birmingham to be able to support my mother and sister as well as afford somewhere cheaper, being on my own?

I sort of like having an hour's drive between us, to be honest, but there's nothing really for me in town A apart from its pretty, and it's familiar.

It seems you don't have to make the decision right now. Reading between the lines in your post, it sounds like you want something new, but are not sure what that is? I don't think moving closer to your mother and sister is the answer, as it seems the relationships work best when there's some distance between you. Are there oth3r options to introduce some interesting changes to your life? Maybe some travel, or a new job, or studying something just for fun?

I need to find a way to support myself.

My self esteem is really low. I thought I should retrain in something but I'm quite ambivalent. My degree was almost 30 years ago and has pretty much 'expired'.

And I feel like I should be helping my mother more. And my sister is not in a good relationship either.

I'd go to Birmingham

I think you feel obligated to help your Mother and Sister rather than wanting to. Those are two very different things. If you really care and want to help then sure move nearer them. If you feel you have a duty then absolutely don't.

You said you like having distance from them currently, so to me that reads as you would rather stay away.

Could you do voluntary work for a while to help build your self esteem? Maybe plan to do that whilst yoir DD is finishing school.

I also agree that some distance often helps relationships. I wish I were closer to my Dad now we've lost Mum but he's 2.5 hours away, so quite a bit further and although we often visit ina day it's an exhausting one. An hours drive is much more do able.

And I would love to travel, but unfortunately can't afford it.

I feel it more as a duty.

My mother is quite nasty, but in a 'plausible deniability' sort of way. You can't actually bring up anything as an example, because it sounds ridiculous and petty, but it's relentless, and I feel wrung out after spending a few days with her.

My sister makes stupid decisions and has a temper on her. Like being on the breadline, spending £££ on an MLM business and when you explain it's a scam, she'll shout at you.

Why only those 2 options? You could go anywhere.

No to Birmingham, don’t move closer to family out of obligation.

Try something new.

I don't have much confidence and don't feel like I am able to do anything. I don't have any useful skills.

You should move somewhere that suits you rather than anyone else

Please don't move closer to your family. You can't change your sisters stupid decision making by being closer, and you are not going to change your Mums personality.

Take your time and decide if moving is really for you, and this k of somewhere new if it is.

I was thinking more of helping her with the kids, things like taking them to clubs etc.

I quite like where I am but when I get older, it would probably be more sensible to be closer to my nephews and sister, and isn't it better to move now, than in 20 years when it will feel heartbreaking?

I do not see how being near family will help you.

I would say that it would be a good idea not to make any sort of decision due to your current depression. Seek some therapy, you can ring women’s aid who will offer a few talking sessions on the phone. It’s not therapy as such but they will help you. I used to do work for a DV charity and verbal abuse is abuse don’t worry that you are not deserving because haven’t been hit, you are deserving of help.

I wish you the best in your recovery.

That’s a really odd way to view it.

Do what is right for you now, not 20
years time. Who is to say where they will
be living by then? You can make multiple moves, where you go next isn’t permanent.

First thing is to get a job, then let the rest follow. I wouldn’t rush to leave where you are if you are happy, just concentrate on getting back to work and building yourself up again.

Big life decisions are best left for now.

The last place I'd be moving would be Birmingham, given that set of facts. Sorry OP, sit tight until something comes up that's a decision based on what you actually want, rather than reluctant duty.

Does the move impact your daughter? Where will she be based if the current house is sold when she finishes school?

She will most likely be going to uni.

Do not go to Birmingham. If you want to be a bit closer go to Lichfield or Worcester or Malvern, somewhere with good train links into Birmingham but where you can escape back to. Being really close to your mum and sister could just drag you down.

I would absolutely avoid moving to Birmingham in your situation.