Advice for alcoholic sister?

[StevenB1]

Hey guys,

So, some of you may have seen my post on Sunday regarding my sister and her alcohol/mental health problems, and I asked if it was worth getting an intervention/sectioned, as she has been there previously.

So a bit of background, she's in her mid 40s, is single, is more often than not in and out of abusive relationships, had her kids took off her..one has mental health problems (schizophrenic) one adopted and one has very little to do with her.

She recently left the area due to an ex partner breaking into her flat constantly and harassment/abuse. Parents took her in for 8 weeks during this time, have gave her a few thousand pound over the past couple of years, she would often have massive drunken rage moments with them, calling them everything she could think of, has a history of violence, spitting on police etc and a few other things.

Last Monday she came back to the area to go to her favorite pub, she's not supposed to come back here due to ex partner and restraining orders etc, she supposedly had a fight with someone, lost her phone, broken nose etc, parents asked why she went back to that pub and she lost it with them.

On Sunday she phoned them drunk again calling them everything under the sun, called me on Sunday night saying my dad had apparently told her my partner has stole 7 thousand pound off them and that my dad is having an affair at the age of 70 (not that age matters but still lol) in the end she threatened to send some people around with our 4 year old son in the house, then became extremely verbally aggressive etc, so myself and parents have blocked her on all social media, phone numbers etc.

She constantly thinks myself and parents never help her, yet financially we support her, we've took her in when she was homeless, drove her to countless hospital appointments or collected her from hospital when she has self harmed etc. Not much more we could do.

She won't do counselling or seek help, is basically very jealous of me in particular, and I think it's just going to get a lot worse from here.

Anyone else had this experience or any advice ?

Thank you very much

Hi OP that sounds really tough on all of you.

have you been in touch with Al Anon for support for you as a family member?

Hello!

No we haven't, we've become accustomed to this over the years sadly, although it's never been as bad as this at the moment where we are worrying what will happen next.

Have the bare minimum contact with her. Don't contact her unless it's a text at Christmas or on birthdays. Respond to her messages with polite but bland responses and don't engage. Protect your own family and peace. She sounds like nothing but a toxic burden on everybody around her who will bring everyone else down.

You can't help someone who won't help themselves, so there is nothing to be gained for either of you by you constantly having to be dragged into her drama.

Yeah, as I said at the moment we've cut off all contact completely, which I'm not sure is better or worse for what she may do next. Unfortunately she does have an evil streak in her when she's been drinking, and we had hoped her moving and she had settled down for a month or two would be her on the way up, but sadly not. Unfortunately I don't think she will change. Its got my parents to the point of wanting to move houses again.

I'm really sorry for you and your parents. There is absolutely nothing you can do to help her, nor should anyone give her any more money, or somewhere to stay. That's just enabling her alcoholism.

Block her on everything, if she rings and is abusive just hang up.

If you want to help her you are going to have to all pull together in letting her reach rock bottom. She alone can change things.

It will be so hard to let her go, especially for your parents, but it really is the only chance she'll have. Please go to Al Anon with your parents to get the support you all need in this.

Hi,
I have an alcoholic sister with end stage liver failure. Her mental health issues aren't as bad as your sisters and she's not erratic. She has cut everyone out of her life.

I bought a textbook on addicts called 'understanding and helping an addict'. I found it really useful in understanding how alcohol affects the body and mental health. It helped me gain more of a sympathetic understanding for a lot of her selfish behaviour, anger and shame, but also placed a lot of focus on how important it is not to get too entwined and how family were almost always not best placed to help. I would say that your role should be notifying the correct services/social services/her Dr etc. Be prepared for the fact that any contact that you make will be in her records and she will be able to see that. It won't mention your name if you ask for anonymity, but it will say 'a family member' called. I say this because, as my sister distrusts and hates me (due to her paranoid personality), it could have some backlash in how she treats you if she finds out you notified services. And in fairness, if your life was so off the rails, then you would probably be equally resentful to your seemingly successful sibling sticking their oar in. I would say that it's not entirely her fault, but most addicts do look to blame others. Many turn to alcohol/drugs due to their low self esteem and inability to self reflect on their own behaviour. When you feel shit about yourself, you're not going to want to make yourself worse by taking on some blame. Hence why they often externalise their issues and get angry/blame everyone else and everything else around them.

The book helped me take some of the emotion out of the issue. I would recommend it, if only for your own peace of mind.

Mind and Al Anon are good for advice. Particularly Mind.

I would keep any communication really simple and brief (less for her to wilfully misinterpret it). I would restrict it to purely to getting her the professional health that she so clearly needs, but do not try to engage in any conversations about her addiction/assign blame. I would ensure that no one enables her by giving her money. Her self esteem will most likely be very low, so simple phrases to support/raise it can help.

I'm really sorry that you are going through this. It is so hard watching someone be so destructive and not know how to help. So many conflicting emotions to deal with. I feel truly heart broken by the situation with my sister as she is now terminally ill and lives a life in total isolation. It's so hard not being able to help.

P.s. I try to take solace in the fact that I am trying to raise my children to be happy and well adjusted. In order to do that I have to protect my own mental health too. Our upbringing wasn't great. Both parents were heavy drinkers/alcohol dependent. I feel like it's probably too late to help my sister, but I could try to at least stop the circle of misery being passed down to the next generation.

Yes I think I will have a look into Al Anon, closest meeting is about 11 miles away from me so may give that a go as a few people have now recommended it over the past few days.

Hi,

Sorry about your sister also.

Yeah in my sisters case she has alienated pretty much all of the family, but when she's had a drink etc she will try to turn family members against each other, unfortunately she has tried this with a few family members previously who all now have zero contact with her. As stated the son who does see her has a partner and 2 children, who she sees once a week (normally) he makes no effort to go to her or to invite her out with the kids etc, so I feel that he is also pulling away which could be having an effect as well.

Sorry I have no advice, but I just wanted to say my sister is also an alcoholic, she won't admit it but she drinks all day from the minute she gets up, can't keep a job down for longer than a month or two because she is such hard work and so hard to get along with. She is argumentative, can act erratic, has mental health issues which is why she drinks we think, she does drugs too.
Gets into fights, she has fallen out with our mum recently which makes things awkward.
She is a mother to 4, 3 of whom are grown ups now. It's sad to see it happen, but we are powerless until they realise they have a problem and actually want help. So until then all we can do is take a step back to protect ourselves