What age should I expect my child to tell me where there are going instead of asking if they can go?

[GreenTreesBlueSky]

My child is about to start High school, and it feels like very different days since I was that age. I read a lot on here that young teens have mobile phones so they should arrange their own social life with family/friends rather than the parent have any input. I don’t know what the social norms are with this and to what extent they should be running their own social life and at what age. So, at what age did you allow your child to tell you they are going to do something instead of asking if they can go?

I don’t think many secondary age children want their mums organising their social life for them! A mobile phone and ownership of their own social arrangements is pretty standard from secondary age.

However, they should still be asking if they can go and checking that what they want to do fits in with others’ plans/family life rather than ‘telling’. Just like two adults living together wouldn’t just tell the other of their plans, but would rather coordinate/negotiate. That’s just common courtesy.

My soon to be year 10 always asks, usually as he's leaving the house lol

My soon to be year 13 just had a curfew

DD is 18 and still asks, even though I have told her that’s it’s unnecessary but if she could just let us know rough times and if she needs lifts that would be fine.
DS14 tends to just tell us, although he knows that if he needs a lift or similar we need notice

I think it depends what they are going to do. A quick walk to the corner shop with best friend, that would be a tell. But going further afield, or for longer I would want them to ask until 14 or so. Overnights, asking until they have left home.

13/14 if I remember correctly, we had a discussion around summer holidays and I mentioned he could let me know his plans instead of asking permission for the usual places but to text me if any plans change or going somewhere new.

I think it's kind of gradual. My ds said "Is it OK if I...." long after he needs to and the answer was always "yes." Probably by about year 9 or 10 he would only ask if he needed a lift (we live in the country) We did have some rules, though. Call if he was going to be late or was staying out. Let us know roughly where he was. But this applied until he left home at 21-just basic courtesy.

I think there is a difference between organising his own social life and telling you where he is going.

Mine had base rules in early high school that they could go out until X time in the local area with friends but if they wanted to go swimming for instance at the weekend I would expect them to ask.

It naturally switched to 'I'm going swimming with X on Saturday' but certainly in the early teens years they still asked.

All my kids, up to 16, run past their plans with me in case they clash with anything important but mostly to get a lift.

DD is 14 and it depends, today she is meeting a friend for lunch so she told me that, evening concerts she asks and things such as ice skating are in between as she needed help with tickets.

she arranges it all though.

Same here with ds.

Or texts me if I'm at work to let me know.

I also tell him it's necessary. And I would say 18 in answer to OP about telling and not asking.

But I think ds does it more out of politeness because if I wasn't going straight home from work I'd text him to let him know "I'm going to Tesco and will be home about X time" or whatever.

So I think to an extent it's normal to inform household members you live with if you won't be back when they expect you.

I'm going out today for lunch with a friend and just told ds "I'm meeting Sandra for lunch - I'm going out about 11.30 and will be back about 3.30".

Not because I think I have to tell him.

Tell him it's unnecessary

DS is 21 and at Uni now but when he’s back he still asks if it’s okay to go out with his friends bless him.

I do appreciate the heads up if he won’t be around for meals or if he’ll be late home but I have told him he doesn’t need to ask.

Thanks for the replies. I feel a bit more reassured. From reading other threads on here I was starting to worry about what to expect, I feel better that it’s still acceptable to run things passed parents at that age.

Yes- I think it's a gradual transition from asking permission to basic courtesy.

DD is 13, she makes plans with her friends (all of whom I know so far) but then asks/checks if that is ok and we tweak as necessary. She isn't out every day by any means, and we say no if needed. Similarly I make plans and she comes along.

DS is 11, and he will sometimes have someone call round for him or get a message to go geocaching or skating and he'll ask permission.

My son is 13 and this is exactly what we do too. He arranges things with friends and then checks it’s ok.

Incidentally- we did have conversations about why it was a good idea if we knew where they were. As I said to ds "please don't do anything that will make me look like a bad mother if you go missing and I have to do a TV appeal with the police.....

16 I would say.

It's a mixture of asking if it's going to effect us (eg need a lift/coming back late so might disturb people) and checking that I'm not aware of a reason why they can't (eg booked dentist appointment etc) from around 13/14yo. But they don't tend to ask to do things that I wouldn't let them, assuming there aren't any practical ojections.

My oldest is in her first job from uni but is living at home to save money. She'll let us know when she's going out/when she'll be back. In the same way I/dh let each other know. It's courtesy rather than asking permission.

I would say it’s gradual; my 15 year old tells us she’s going to the gym or her friends house which is a normal place for her to go but asks if she is going to somewhere further afield or somewhere new. In part her asking is more about checking if we have plans as a family rather than expecting we’ll say no.

Thank you all for your replies.
What did you all find acceptable in the first year of high school? Did you limit how often they went out? Expect them to be home from school by a certain time? Etc. I feel out of my depth if I’m honest. I don’t have any experience of teenagers. My own upbringing was very strict and before mobile phones. I don’t want to be the overly strict parent, but I also don’t want to be lax either.

I would say if they aren't going to come straight home they need to text and tell you. Tell you what time they will be home and if that changes. And have a curfew. Say 6pm or whenever you have dinner. That way you can still give them flexibility and autonomy over what they are doing and where they are going but they still need parenting at this age - Eg eating properly, showering, homework and decent bedtime!

Especially if you live where they'll walk through a town, high street or park etc. because it's quite normal they'll stop and hang around and chat and it's good for them to be out face to face and not chatt8ng via screens from their bedroom for hours!

They should always ask if they're going to be needing a lift, at any age.

Telling I think will change as they grow older, depending on what they want to do. Yr 7 they might tell you they're going to the library, or to the coffee shop with friends after school, or round the local shops on Saturday, but ask if they can get bus to next town on Saturday for shops/swimming/cinema. By yr8/9, getting bus to next town on Saturday will have become a normal thing that they tell you, but getting train to bigger town further away will be an ask. And so on.