Housework Split

[SnappyHorse]

I’ve recently gone back to work full time after years of working part time. I do 4 days WFH, 1 day in the office. DH usually works in the office 4 days and 1 at home. He has a longer commute than me and does more hours as he is more senior. We have 2 teens, 1 of whom works and is doing 4/5 days per week as they can pick up extra days in school holidays.

When I worked part time, I did all the housework, shopping, dog walking, cooking etc and was happy to do it. DCs were school age and it made sense as it was easy to fit everything in around my part time hours.

We all sat down before I started my full time job and did a rota - everyone was supposed to start doing a bit more to help. I volunteered to carry on doing the bulk of the housework because I’m quick and do it all in 30 mins in my lunch break (which I’d rather do than try and do it all in 1 go at the weekend).

I’m now a few months in and am starting to really resent being the only one who is doing anything! DC1 is supposed to unload the dishwasher and put the bins out. They didn’t get out of bed until 2.30 this afternoon, by which time I had emptied the overflowing bin because there was rubbish piled up in the kitchen and I’d emptied the dishwasher because the sink was full of dirty dishes and I needed to use it. DC2 is supposed to clean the kitchen after dinner and walk the dog. They sometimes do half a job of the kitchen, and will happily walk the dog every day as long as it’s with someone else!

I’m beginning to think it’s unfair that I’m doing housework in my lunch hour, whilst DH has time to eat his lunch! He does a lot of corporate entertaining and eats out fairly often. Whilst he’s sitting in the train on his way home watching downloaded tv, I’m cooking dinner. He says he’ll do it when he gets home but isn’t home until 7 at the earliest which is too late to be starting dinner.

Can anyone help with suggestions as to how we can make it all a bit fairer and stop me feeling like I’m constantly nagging? After a little rant, one DC has now mopped the kitchen floor and the other has said they might take the dog out. I put a list of what jobs need doing each day on the fridge but I’m the only one who ever ticks anything off.

The teens need to help more I say, especially if you are still giving pocket money to the teen who doesn't work.

My experience with teens is you have to keep asking/telling them to do jobs, they absolutely should do it but you will have to keep on at them about it.
In terms of housework id suggest agreeing with your DH jobs he does at the weekend and you have other jobs you do.
I know it’s a very munsnet thing to say but we ended up getting a cleaner once I was working more and we now both pull our weight so it feels more equal

Thanks for the responses. I know I need to nag the teens more, but I resent having to do it. It’s just another mental job for me to do to chase them up.

And all the complaints I read on MN about cleaners, I imagine that would be another task for me to do to manage the cleaner.

We are 4 almost adults - we should be able to do it all between us.

I found it easier to engage teens than DH. Teens aren't great but respond to reminders.

I have actually given in and am arranging a cleaner as it is impossible to engage DH in doing regular cleaning etc and isn't worth the impact to our relationship.

I'm cross I will have to sort out the cleaner and take the dog to daycare on the day they come but it is either do everything myself, live in a dirty untidy house or sort cleaner.

If you find another solution let me know OP.

@maybebalancing If I find a solution, I’ll let you know! DH will do stuff if I ask but often does half a job. He undercooks food, will put a load of washing on but not take it out of the machine, or if he does, rarely folds and sorts it.

I’m just starting to resent the fact that I bust a gut during the weekdays to keep on top of things so we don’t have to do it at the weekend. I say we, but I’d still end up doing it all anyway.

And don’t get me started on DH being able to come home from work early to do something he wants to do, but not to be able to come home early to cook dinner or do something at home.

You and dh both need to talk to the teens. You will end up bitter otherwise. If they want you to do all chores be a housewife.

Your teens are modelling your husband by treating you like a skivvy. You need to have a serious talk with him first and then have a united front with your kids.

But he needs to step up. I don't give a shit how "senior" he is. If he half arses his way round household tasks so will your children.

What works for us, other than having a cleaner, is being responsible for stuff which directly affects us. So laundry - most of our clothes are not white/ precious so each person washes their own clothes and I do a load of whites (school shirts) a week. If you come to the washing machine and someone's clothes are in there then put them in a basket and tell them when they come in where they are. They soon learn that if they want clean clothes they need to wash them, dry and put them away. For the teens you can say it is to help them plan to move out and for dh if the teens can do it then he can do it.

Having a specific meal which always responsible for, so perhaps dh can always be responsible for a meal on Saturday or Sunday. This means planning, either buying or putting on the shopping list what is needed, then cooking and cleaning up. Likewise the teens. I go for the you cook you wash up approach because it limits the likelihood of using every saucepan, frying pan and anything else they can find. Only one main meal a day is catered, for the other two they prepare (and tidy up) their own meals.

Dh responsible for buying presents for his side of the family. Think about whether there is anything else in terms of mental load that he could take on.

Things which I find I like done in a certain timeframe I tend to do myself - like emptying dishwasher, because it would annoy me waiting for them to empty it and so I would end up doing it. If I am doing something then I will ask them for help though.

Oh and an electronic shopping list so if someone wants something bought then they add it to the list. Reduces the mental load trying to remember that someone needs shaving gel etc. If it isn't on the list then there is no guarantee that it will be bought.

The problem is that you've given them foundational tasks. You can do anything if the dishwasher is full or the bin is full. You have to do it if they don't. Laundry affects them, more than you (unless they're mingers).

Clean bathroom, laundry, that kind of thing can wait a bit and they still have to do it.

Your DH though. Needs a come to Jesus talk. About respect, equality and fairness, not housework. Does he believe in these values? Then he needs to understand that he's not living them. Too easy to pretend you aren't a human and let you do it when it's invisible. Stop doing it at lunch.

And I like the attitude (as long as you don't mind swearing) that when they leave the bin or the dog, they are saying 'fuck you' to you.