Putting my ducks in a row - but I’m ill

[ReadySteadyGoNow]

Reposted as I didn’t get many answers.

Background:
For many reasons, DH and I need to split up. He is not nice to be around and has been trying to railroad me into taking decisions that would be highly detrimental to me. Me being ill has just compounded issues that were there before.
I’m medically retired now and only have a very small pension plus PIP.
H is somehow my carer in that he cooks and clean which I couldn’t reliably do for myself. Living alone I would need some support. A cleaner and someone to help me do some prep for cooking the meals. I think I could get away with a cleaner once every two weeks and an assistant once a week for 2 hours?

So my questions is: what can I do to get ready for that split? If anyone has any pointers that would be great.

im wondering about pushing for a cleaner so it’s a known and established need.
Im currently receiving support for my condition so I’m hoping to see with them if I could get eligible for a PA if we are separated (I’m assuming that until then H is supposed to fill in that gap).
im looking at ways to make my day to day life with as little reliance on H.
And ofc i’ll be booking an appointment with a lawyer to see exactly where I stand re the financial implication of the divorce.

Anything else?

I’m sorry you didn’t get many answers previously and haven’t now but it sounds very difficult to know what to advise without knowing what your condition and prognosis is, how it affects you, what your financial situation is like. Perhaps it would be best to seek advice on a Facebook group for others with your condition or from a solicitor.

I think anything related to my condition is clear. I know how and where to ask for support so that’s not what I am after.

Im more wondering whether I should implement those things before separating. I seem to remember that when doing the evaluation of how much everyone needs to live on, things like £xx for hairdresser/cleaner/whatever would be taken into account to establish that.

He’ll have somewhere to live if/when we separate.
A half and half split of assets would mean I could keep the house (no mortgage) and he’d keep his pension.

This is only my experience so hopefully it's different for you
I have Cerebral palsy and a Long-standing mental illness
On my divorce 11 years ago my physical needs were not taken into account whatsoever!
My DC's are adults so the family home was sold, although I did get the bigger share it was just enough to buy outright a tiny flat
My income was/ is pip esa and a small pension
My exh was also my carer( but didn't)
My divorce took 4 years

Bumping 💐

It really does depend on your condition i think. I'm in a similar position of needing to leave but have three long term conditions that prevent me working. At my last hospital appointment I mentioned that I needed to leave a bad marriage and the wonderful nurse started putting in referrals for me.

Occupational Heath - help with bath aids, perching chair for cooking/washing. Advice on food prep (you can buy frozen prepped veg).
Physiotherapy - to get my muscles stronger so I can be more self sufficient.
Group therapy for pain - helps with mental and physical exercises suitable for you, plus access to similar people and their coping techniques.
Consultant led pain management - this is separate to the group therapy.

Your PIP is there to pay for a cleaner or gardener, or taxis or medication. Whatever makes your life easier.

@uncomfortablydumb53 im sorry you’ve ended up in that place too.
Good (and crap!) to know your physical needs weren’t taken into account during the divorce.
dcs are adults too which helps and doesn’t.

@Pixiedust1234 yep I’m planning to lean on support too. I’ve had an OT coming before but obviously I’ll need more if I’m on my own.
Im hoping I’ll get a few more referrals (OT in particular) that will help. So far they’ve been amazing re support fir PIP/getting me things such as a wheelchair (and making me realise I needed it too!)

@uncomfortablydumb53 I'm sorry to ask but why did it take 4 years?? Was it because he refused to fill in the financials, or was it down to court/judge delays or him arguing over percentages? I was hoping it might take a year max but four?? I hope you are in a better place now

Good luck OP. I found Occ Health the best as it gave ideas which don't need to be implemented right now but you know it's available. In this house there is no room for a perching chair in the kitchen (plus he does the cooking), but knowing something like that exists and I could get once I'd left really helped me mentally.

You might find a house/ flat more suited to your needs if you do sell.and split the equity. Might mean you can be more independent too. Don't rule it out.

@RedHelenB thats certainly in my mind! Best would be a bungalow or a flat Wo a doubt. And a well designed kitchen! (Ours has cupboards up the wall that I can’t easily reach. I’m dreaming of a kitchen with drawers instead…)

@Pixiedust1234 thats one thing Ive been wondering.
Would it be worth organising my life now as if I’m in my own (a cleaner, recipes I can handle, re organising the kitchen - even though that one will be met with resistance -, a perching stool etc….)?

Would he not be entitled to half the house?

Can you afford to pay bills/food on your own?

@Redlocks30 as I said, he has a pension worth his half of the house + my small pension. So that would be 50/50.
He also has somewhere to live.

So yes we could sell the house and he’d give me a bit more than half his pension. But what’s the point?

Can I afford bills on my own? I don’t have a choice do I? It will be as easy as it is for people living on disability benefits+UC. Crap but 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

How long have you been together? Do you have any children?

25 years, married for 22 years.
(2) dcs are at Uni.

Can I afford bills on my own? I don’t have a choice do I?

Of course there are choices. I was talking about the bills at your current house and whether you could afford them.

I couldn’t afford our current bills on my salary alone, so I would have to move to a smaller property/rent out a room/consider a house share etc. If you can’t afford the bills on your current house, you would also obviously need to consider alternatives as well, which is why I was asking 🤷‍♀️.

Would you consider renting out a room in your home in exchange for a very small rent eg £100 per week and a few house housework and meal prep each week? If so that would make sense. I know a lady who did that and got on very well with the lady who rented the room.

A few hours

The point is no serious lawyer representing your husband in this situation would agree to that because where he’s supposed to live? A pension won’t give him any capital to put even a deposit on a property and would he even get a mortgage by himself and at his age and with mortgages currently as expensive as they are.

Instead of asking on random message boards you should book appointments with two or three solicitors (prepare to pay, very few offer the mythical free thirty minutes) and get a consensus of advice on the best way to split the assets.

But the idea one party could walk away with the property and the other with a pension is totally unrealistic if there’s only one property and no other capital in the marriage.

@HiKenHiKenHiKen he already has somewhere else to live (complex situation there that I’m not going into). He WANTS to live there so it’s not as if I would be forcing him to do something he doesn’t want to do.

It doesn't matter tmif he has an OW with a property that he could live in. Ultimately unless you come to a private arrangement a solicitor/court would never give the whole property to one partner and a pension to the other. It doesn't work like that

Getting help for everyday tasks is something allocated by your council however the threshold is very high these days, you are highly unlikely to get a cleaner and once a week meal help, we have people at work who get no help despite not being able to shower or use a microwave

An option is to have a lodger in return for household help, can work out very well