Is anyone else's mum like this (food related)?

[HamishTheCamel]

Just to start by saying that I love my mum and we're really close. It's just this one thing!

Returned from holiday yesterday. I got a text from my mum (she was at our house to feed the cats) saying not to worry about supper as she'd left food for us in the fridge. Great - really thoughtful of her.

Got home and the food is a loaf of bread and two packs of pre-cooked chicken drumsticks. This is to feed me, DH and three hungry teens. They wanted something more substantial after travelling all day, so DH went out to get food. Which is fine - he didn't mind - it's just that if we'd known, we could have picked up something on the way home rather than making a separate trip.

I know this isn't a big deal in itself. I'm just feeling sad because it's reminded me of my childhood. Hardly any food around, boring meals, no snacks at all, fridge and cupboards bare. It wasn't a money issue btw. Once I was given a massive box of chocolates as a gift and my mum gave it away (she did ask me first, but I was a good girl and I said yes because I knew she wanted me to).

Perhaps not surprisingly, I was skinny until I left home and then realised there was a whole world of delicious food out there and started putting on weight - both me and my brother struggle with our weight as adults. My parents are both slim (because they hardly eat anything!).

I expect I'm overreacting. Can anyone relate?

@HamishTheCamel yes, with one more generation involved. My mum had a very slim and elegant mum herself and was built on slightly bigger lines (everyone was! Grandmother was tiny). She promptly developed quite major body image and food issues.

Basically my mum has always eaten like a bird in an attempt not to be overweight, and snacks and "unhealthy" treats were quite strongly limited as she didn't want the rest of us to be unhappy fat adolescents like her (spoiler: I've seen the photos and while she was not Kate Moss, she was not a fat adolescent). n early adolescence I was always ravenous. I didn't exactly go hungry, but was told in no uncertain terms that I had a big appetite, that it wasn't ladylike to eat a lot, etc. I don't blame her - she did it out of love and it was long enough ago that it was what parents were "supposed" to do to promote healthy eating.

Consequently I had my own issues including a lack of control around treat food (as if I would never get the chance to eat it again) - it's hard to exercise restraint when you never feel you've had enough. I still suffer from a tendency to binge today, although I fight it. I'm bigger than I'd like (but having yo-yo dieted a couple of times am trying to avoid doing that again) and even Mum didn't manage to make herself thin doing this.

Strangely I have a really strong instinct to limit my children's food (or at least, less "healthy" food) in the same way, but I really try not to, and not to set up foods as good or bad but offer a range of things. I'm still probably doing something wrong.

I can't relate, but I'm wondering if this "food desert" mentality, for lack of a better term, stems from your parents' childhoods. This type of food austerity is very rare in our current society, and I venture to say that's true for at least the past 40 years. Your parents seem to have a WWII rationing mindset.

Whatever the case, you're not overreacting. This had to be a very confusing and troubling way to grow up.

YANBU

Most food/weight issues seem to stem from childhood, whether it's not having enough food or being made to finish everything on your plate.

The next generation will have food/weight issues due to being constantly fed snacks, and/or their images constantly being shown off on social media.

@JaneFarrier I found it so interesting to read your post. Your mum sounds similar to mine. Funnily enough, my mum's mum was the opposite of yours - she was a large woman in all senses of the word (large in personality too!). Which probably shows that like you say, it's hard to get this right. I'm trying so hard with my kids (and so far they all seem to have a healthy relationship with food) but I'm probably still getting it wrong somehow!

I could have written this! I was always hungry as a child and grew up in the 70s when snacking was definitely not a thing. I then went to boarding school from 11-16 where food was restricted and my parents did not provide tuck boxes. I now have a sort of fear around feeling hungry which has been exacerbated by the fact that proper hunger for me has always been painful/makes me feel unwell. Have been morbidly obese sine the age of 35

Were your parents children in the 1940s/1950s OP? Interesting point from a PP about rationing.

I kind of feel the same.im a slim healthy weight and size and have a Normal diet. but my parents go on and on about what I eat. How they've never seen an appetite like mine before. How I act like I have never seen food before. These words they use. Makes me feel like a huge greedy pig. It was only when I met my husband that I realised I was normal!!

Yes. In the late 80s I remember dinner was a big tin of soup watered down for four. Probably some bread etc and such but it was a rationing mentality even though we weren't struggling for cash.

Yes @OrangesLemonsLimes they were born in 1936 and 1942 so perhaps that is why.

I guess we'll eventually find out...

Not all of my siblings seem to have the same issues as I do. My two children are quite different about food so far - neither seems particularly bound up with it, just different.

@ringoutsolsticebells that sounds hard, much harder than anything I had to go through. I think it's particularly rotten to feel hungry when you're growing.

@HamishTheCamel, I really identify with all of this. When I was growing up, meals were small and often disgusting. And there were no treats, no sweet foods, and I knew not to even ask.
For me, once I got to university and could control my own meals, I ate EVERYTHING. Of course, I put on weight, and it led to a cycle of weight-gain and binge-eating that, only now I am in my forties, have I finally left behind (the binge-eating, that is. I am still slightly overweight).

How odd. I'm in my 60's so my parents were children in WW2 and neither had the attitude towards food that yours has OP.

I went to schoolfriends houses for tea etc and never came across anything like this there either.

If anything our upbringing was of the "clear your plate" plus bread and butter at every meal, so excess if anything. And we were proper poor.

I find it interesting how everyone always blames others (especially mothers) for their weight issues.
“Im fat, because my mother never fed me enough when i was young!”
”Im fat, because my mother cooked huge unhealthy portions of food!”
How about taking some responsibility for your own eating instead? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Oh yes @Fairymother I do completely take responsibility for my own weight as an adult - sorry if that wasn't clear. It was just rather a joyless part of growing up.

Solidarity @Ruthietuthie 👊

I am in my 60s and my parents were born in the 1930s so grew up during WW2. I don't recognise your mums views round food either from me or my mum (dad now dead).

My mum was a clear your plate even if you aren't hungry but there was always snacks and nice food and now if we visit she buys far too much. I err more on the restricted snacks to avoid over eating but always have food in for visitors.

A couple of packs of chicken drumsticks and a loaf of bread doesn't sound a lot for a family of 5 but as you know your mum maybe you should have bought stuff anyway on the way home. It will get eaten at some point with teens. She has obviously forgotten how much growing kids eat if it is just her and your dad and you eat less as you get older. I always have stuff in the freezer for a quick meal after being away.

If I was buying food for my family for a quick meal after holiday a couple of pizzas and chips and salad would normally go down well or a lasagne and garlic bread.

YANBU.

I remember lying in my hospital bed trying to persuade my mother, who had come to help after the birth of DC4, to please, please defrost both packs of six chicken thighs that were in the freezer to cook dinner for H and three kids and herself (now exH).

She has a horror of leftovers and wouldn't hear of it, instead producing a meal consisting of six small thighs to share between two adults and three children with hearty appetites, about three tablespoons of mashed potatoes each, and boiled celery that everyone just stared at. She initially wanted to only cook five thighs, one each... I got home the next day and ended up cooking dinner for everyone because it was less bloody work than explaining basic dietary needs to mum. It brought back memories, for sure.

I always cooked enough to yield a second whole dinner and I always had snacks available when the DCs were children and teens.

@Fairymother I think you missed that the words "I don't blame her" are right there in my first reply to the OP. But in answer to the original question "is anyone else's mum like this?" clearly the answer is "yes, some mums are."

It doesn't make the mums bad or ill-intentioned. It doesn't mean their adult children's eating habits are their fault. But we are all - to some extent - influenced by what we grew up with.

Yes, I totally relate. I was skinny as a rake too, I remember everyone telling me it was genetic. It wasn’t. It was because I chucked my vile soggy sandwiches and Tesco savers biscuit away everyday! Both my parents see food as an inconvenient fuel, and just eat the most basic and in some cases the cheapest and worse quality food they can get away with. My mum bought over economy pork pies the other day. I honestly wouldn’t give them to the dog! It’s a generation thing. My mum said if she could take a pill to get all her nourishment, she’d rather do that than eat 🤔

I really identify with this too. Meals were often small and boring, as a very young child I would get to dinner at the weekend and realise we hadn’t had any lunch and no snacks except for perhaps a cheap pack of home brand noodles when we were teens.

Unsurprisingly my 1960’s mum had massive issues around food and to this day severely restricts and is always underweight. When we visit and I cook she may declare my creation ‘very tasty’ with this look of disgust that lets you know it’s really not a compliment. If you offer her anything more than a tiny portion or a snack between meals she puffs her face up and declares herself to be ‘absolutely stuffed’. My DH hates going to stay there because he feels so judged for wanting to eat three meals per day. He says she tries to make him feel bad about wanting to eat, and I think he is right.

Not to discuss your feelings , but if you look at how portion sizes have increased , she might not realise. I was a teenager in the 70s and if you look at the plate sizes , you can really tell , or Maccies burger sizes too. It was 3 meals a day , lunch could be just soup and piece of brown bread , usually meat , two veg fir dinner. Absolutely no snacks, except fruit . And most certainly no eating crisps, popcorn in front of TV .

It's the opposite with mine. Both my mother and grandmother (I spent lots of time with her as a child) are feeders. They both cook huge amounts of food, in a tune of meal for one feeds three. And I really mean three, not in a mumsnet-chicken/massive salad sort of way. Like your example, OP. 2 packs of thighs for you, your husband and teens? My mother would calculate one pack per person, so 5 packs of chicken, plus sides, plus desserts and a bunch of snacks 'for later' for good measure. We never lacked food when growing up, could eat whatever we wanted and however much we wanted, unlimited everything (including 'treats') and always encouraged to eat more (but not forced). Complimented for 'good appetite'.

HOWEVER, as soon as I became a tween and then a teen, BOTH of them were hyper-critical of my figure. Called me fat, big, huge, 'a bear', telling me to lose weight. I wasn't huge at all, slap bang in the middle of normal BMI. I'm just very tall and not 'dainty' in a petite-woman way, more Amazonian. Funny thing was, they said those things whilst simultaneously encouraging me to eat more and complaining if I didn't. There's some serious gaslighting right there. It's an absolute wonder I ended up with pretty much zero food issues and no EDs. I was always an extremely confident and 'my own person', maybe that's why.

The funny thing is, I'm 35 now, my mother's 56. I'm very slim, she's fat. She always liked to put me down about my weight ant 'fatness'. And now she's more than double my size, therefore she can't. So she seethes. It's so satisfying to watch.

The intergenerational food issues are quite fascinating. Growing up and to this day, my mother can't stand the cupboards, fridge and freezer being less than stuffed. They could eat for a few weeks out of them (minus fresh fruit and veg, but there is frozen and tinned... only thing there isn't is milk). Definitely an over feeder. It was definitely a reaction to the austerity childhood (50s-70s).

I'm pretty sure my minimalist food cupboards are a reaction to hers!

This is so interesting for me to read. I had the exact same, caused by a control freak dad. I can tell you exactly what we had in our fridge, really joyless,

yakult yoghurts ( for my dad not us) iceburge lettuc, chicken breasts, cheddar cheese, dry pasta in cupboard, dolmio pasta sauce, sliced brown bread. Apples or bananas. At the weekend one cartoon apple juice and one ready chicken to share between 5 ( 3 of which hungry teens). Never anything ‘ready to eat’, no variety. If you were hungry there would be tins tuna and cupboard and sliced bread. No condiments or even an onion to actually make a sandwich.

ours was not money related either. Control related

and he didn’t learn from his parents as they are wonderful cooks with large organic gardens. Just a joyless control freak.

I have so many memories of being fed but still hungry and sadly still trying not to overbuy food now as tends to go off before we can eat it

yes , childhood eating habits really do leave lifelong effects